My Darling, My Light and My Love
by tomorrows legacy
Summary: You killed her", a voice whispered in my head. "You’re a monster." I didn’t argue with the voice; it was right. I had left her to protect her and my leaving had caused her death
1. the beginning and the end

I sagged further into my pillows, not wanting to remember. But I found that with my eyes closed the memories were all that much more vivid.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"…_you don't want me?"_

As I said it, the words felt right, even as I knew them to be a blasphemy against all I had dared hoped. It was like the final piece of the puzzle was put into place. It made sense. Here I was, a mere human, and there he was, a god. Gods don't fall in love with humans. It was just a story, an excerpt from Greek mythology incorporated into bedtime readings and fairy tales. In that instant I knew everything I had wanted, everything I had dreamt of, every stupid and delusional fantasy I had had of me and…_him_ had been a lie. Nothing more than a stupid pipe dream. And he had made me believe it was real. White-hot anger surged through me, sparing the pain that I knew would come after this was done.

"_No."_

"_Well I guess that changes things."_

"_I'm sorry Bella."_

I turned on him then. I turned on the man that had held my heart, who promised to cherish it and love it, the _thing _that had vowed that he would never hurt me. I felt the anger and the contempt coarse through me, fueling the words that shot out of my mouth.

"_How fucking dare you."_ Even as I heard the words they surprised me. I never cursed. In the back of my mind I realized it must have been an occasion for him to hear it too. And indeed, if I hadn't been looking for it so hard, I might not have noticed the flash of shock that crossed his face.

"_How…fucking…dare…you?_ I repeated. I didn't wait for his response. I was too filled with pain and self-righteous anger to think anything about anyone but myself.

"_If what you were looking for was an "amusement" as you call it, you could have found it anywhere. Jessica would have been fine. Or even Lauren. They would have been dazzled by you but then happily would have moved on. But no. That wouldn't be good enough for you would it? You had to find me, the one person who would love you. The one person that would accept anything from you. The one person who loved you despite the fact that you were a monster. You, Edward Cullen, are not just some run of the mill asshole. You are a monster. Truth be told, I'm just thankful I found out now, before you changed me. _

Aside from his momentary shock at hearing me use words no proper lady would ever utter (one more reason that he could have never have wanted me; Edward was too old fashioned) his face remained impassive after my hateful mini speech. And then he spoke.

"_Bella, I truly am sorry. Please know it wasn't my intention to hurt you. I'm just..how do you say it…a little too hedonistic for my own good? I truly am sorry for the effect it has cause on you. You have to understand, when you've lived for as long as I have you need an amusement. I'm just a little more fleeting in my interests than most of my kind."_ He said it almost formally, like I was nothing more to him than one of the girls he had met in the early 20th century, casually brushing off their advances. Was he actually trying to justify his treatment of me? _Yeah well screw you Cullen. I am worth way more than that._

"_Whatever, " _I muttered, turning away from him._ "Are you happy? You've fooled the poor little human into thinking she was worth more than she was. But don't worry. Despite you might think, I am not worthless. Believe it or not, there are people who care about me. At least I'll still have Alice,"_

"_Bella, Alice is coming with us."_

"_What?" _I spun around thinking I had heard him wrong, praying that he wouldn't be so heartless as to take my best friend, my sister, away from me too.

"_I told her it was better this way. A clean break."_

I stared at him mutely. How could he do this? Was his leaving not enough? Did he have to take everything I had?

But no….Alice was strong. She could stand up to him if she needed to. She must not want me either. That was all I was to any of them. The stupid, weak, fragile human. A fun little diversion from their long, immortal lives. God forgive me for having a beating heart. But even at my ultimate low, I couldn't make myself hate Alice, not like the way I hated _him_. I was hurt by her, but then again, she had never promised to love me. She had never sworn not to leave me.

I reverted to my earlier statement. _"Whatever."_ It seemed safest. Edward looked at me, looked at me the way a child looks like an anthill he has just knocked over. A mild interest in the confusion and the anarchy, but soon bored.

"_I will leave you alone now_," he said. _"It'll be as if I have never existed."_ I snorted. There wasn't much chance of that. I would always remember him. He continued. _"All I ask is that you don't endanger yourself. For your father you need to at least make an effort to be safe. I can't keep saving you anymore Bella. Its time for you to grow up."_

I looked at him, neither responding nor ignoring. I was a mask, a shell, a lifeless thing in the depth of my misery. I could do nothing more than nod. Anything else was asking too much of myself. I might betray the loneliness and desperation behind the angry, hateful façade. After all, I still had my pride.

And with that, he left, leaving me alone in the forest.

I did not chase after him. That would hurt too much. Instead, I wandered blindly deeper into the woods in the opposite direction. I walked and walked and walked, trying to rid myself of the numb feeling in my heart. Surely anything was better than this. I would take the pain. I would take the heartache. But I could not take this numb, empty feeling that seemed to be eating away at my core.

_My darling, my light and my love._ The words kept repeating themselves to me, a mantra I said over and over again, spoken in my head both to torment myself and to raise the awareness to the hole in my soul. He was never coming back. I should be able to feel more than this mind-altering numbness.

And then, all of the sudden, iron cold, iron hard arms wrapped themselves around me. Oh god I knew he would come back for me. Why had he played such a sick joke? I sank back gratefully, clutching the arms that held my waist.

"_I've been waiting for you,"_ a velvet yet terrifying voice whispered in my ear. There was nothing to it that bespoke Edward's tenderness. This was not Edward. After a year of vampires living around me, for the first time I felt afraid. And after that, all I felt was the fire.

-x--x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

"Isabella Marie! Are you ready yet? Jesus I swear you would lose your head if it weren't attached to that neck of yours!" the shout shook me from my reverie.

"Sorry!" I called. "I'm coming!" I got up from the bed and took one last look at myself in the mirror, not at all comforted by the beauty that everyone said was there. After all, if he hadn't thought I was beautiful enough, then what did it really matter?

I sighed and picked up my bag. I ran down the stairs, joining my family for yet another day of school.

_If he could only see me now _I thought to myself


	2. another day in paradise

I sprinted down the stairs, not because I was eager to return to what was in my opinion the seventh circle of hell, but because I didn't want to listen to Macy yelling anymore. I had no idea why she always insisted on being so impeccably on time. Didn't she realize that high school was the worst part of the whole human life experience thing? No one likes it. Every time we graduated, behind the excitement I saw the same look on peoples' faces. Relief. A look of _thank you Lord for getting me through four years of that. _ The stereotypes, the gossip, the petty drama. All of it was enough to make me want to pull my hair out, were it physically possible. And here I was, damned to suffer an eternity of it. Lucky, lucky me. But Macy seemed to enjoy it.

"Finally! Jeez, I was starting to worry you were dead." I rolled my eyes at Macy, a habit I had picked up from Edward and for the life of me couldn't seem to shake. Vampires don't die. Immortality does that to a person.

"Macy you can't tell jokes. Stop trying."

She narrowed her eyes and glared at me. "Bella, I love you. But sometimes you are just such a –"

Micah nudged her. "Macy shut up. Don't you know what today is? You accuse Bella of not having her head on straight but you can't even remember your sister's anniversary."

I gave Micah a small smile of thanks. Out of all my family, Micah was the one who understood me best. He had lost his love too. They had been childhood sweethearts, growing up together and falling in love along the way. When he was changed he revealed himself to her. She was horrified, calling him a monster and screaming when he tried to touch her. After that, he never saw her again. I see the pain in his face every day. It still haunts him. But unlike me, who found solace in my hate, he merely continued to mourn. That was something I could never understand. Hating was easier than the pain.

Macy's eyes widened, realization hitting her. In the next instant she was hurling herself against me. "Oh Bella, I'm so sorry! I'm such an idiot!" She looked up at me, eyes brimming with tears, just like a child. "You don't have to go to school today. I can create-"

"Macy hush," I said, patting her pretty red curls. Despite how tempting it was, I knew I couldn't let her create the illusion of me sitting in class. Because that would mean I was a coward. It would mean I wasn't strong enough to handle being around people. Most importantly, it would mean that _he_ had won. I refused to let him have that much influence on my life. "It's ok, sweetie. I'm fine. School doesn't last that long. I have all of tonight."

Macy sniffled. "Are you sure? I'm sorry I'm such an insensitive jerk Bella. I really am."

" Oh Macy, stop it. I'm ok. Really." _Liar_. "Let's just get out of here ok?"

"Finally!" another voice piped up. "Hurry up! You have no idea how boring you two are." Macy turned around to glare at Aston. "You know, just because you have the attention span of a mentally retarded rodent doesn't mean I have to-" I stopped listening, making my way to the car. It never let up with those two.

As we drove to school, Micah keeping it at a normal speed in deference to me, Aston and Macy bickered good-naturedly in the backseat. Micah was quiet as usual, but the other two continued their sparring. I tuned them out again, staring out the window. I wanted to think. One day a year I gave myself over to my memories. Today was that day. Today was my anniversary. 68 years ago, I had died.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The searing pain was more than I could handle. Amidst the burning, I wondered if someone could die from agony. I prayed it could be possible. Nothing in my life had ever prepared me for this. Edward's description of being changed compared to this was like saying the ocean was a bit damp. No, scratch that. There was no appropriate analogy. This was beyond words.

I heard people around me talking, though I could not make out the words amidst my screams. I wanted to beg them to let me die. I would do anything if they could just stop this pain. But the agony of the fire was too intense and I couldn't form the words. All I could do was scream.

Vaguely I had the sensation of someone lifting me. _Don't do that,_ I wanted to cry. All it did was jostle my already tortured joints and limbs. Wasn't it enough that I was in the flames? Did the have to add lighter fluid? Apparently so. Everyone was the same. My own pain wasn't good enough. They had to add more.

For three days I burned. For three days I writhed and twisted in a desperate attempt to escape a torture that had no comparison. _God just let me die already._

And then on the third day, my heart started racing even more frantically, if that were possible. I could somehow feel the texture of that soft organ as it rammed itself against the barrier of my chest. It pounded so hard and so fast I thought it would burst. And just when I had the thought, it did. I felt it sputter and suddenly the pressure in my chest was worse than the flames. I screamed again, louder than ever before. I felt my heart explode, spraying the inside of my body with shreds of soft tissue. And slowly, the burning began to cease. It started in my chest and a cool numbness began to pervade my limbs. First my shoulder, then my arms, then my hands. The fire in my stomach quenched, and it spread to my legs and feet. My throat finally cooled, and then from there my mouth and eyes no longer burned. And finally, lastly, my brain stopped pounding. The fire was gone.

I opened my eyes, cautiously exploring the sensation of a moment without pain. The relief was so great I couldn't move. What had happened? Finally I managed to sit up, the movement faster than I thought possible. I looked to my right, and then to my left. _Wait. _I snapped my head back to the right. A large mirror had been placed by my bed._ How the hell did I get into a bed?_ I wondered to myself. But then all thoughts deserted me as I stared at my reflection. I was…beautiful. And not just beautiful, I was a vision. My hair was smoother than any hair product could achieve, and cascaded gracefully down my back in gentle waves. My gangly body had filled out in areas and narrowed in others. Suddenly I had high, elegant cheekbones. Even my nose, which I knew to be just a little too retrousse, fitted with my face, making me look feminine. My limbs were hard and muscular and for some reason I now had an athlete's body. And then my gaze landed on my eyes.

Blood red.

I knew then what had happened to me. I had been changed after all. Edward's refusal had been in vain. Amidst the flames I had turned to ice.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The car stopped in the parking lot, jostling me out of my reverie. _Jesus I would love just a few minutes to freaking think_, I thought to myself. With a sigh, I let myself out of the car. Here I was. High school. Again. For the umpteenth time I would sit among another species and try my hardest not to hate them for their ignorant bliss.

My first class was French. I used to take Spanish but I was just so damn tired of conjugating the same verbs over and over again. French was a nice alternative for the moment. But I was quickly getting bored. Id taken it several times and was nearly, if not completely, fluent in it. I never gave myself up to studying languages when I was bored the way _he_ did. Yes, learning was wonderful and all that jazz, but something about languages just bored the hell out of me. And if not being completely fluent was the price to pay for finding other ways to occupy myself, then so be it. Life could be worse. I had had worse. Edward had made sure of that. In a way I suppose I should be thankful. Now that I had gone through all that, nothing could truly hurt me now. Once you know real pain, the rest seems so miniscule it's not even worth noticing. Fireballs could rain down from the heavens and I would still be able to look at it and just scoff _bring it on._

As I was sitting in French I let my mind wander. Madame Schaile never called on me. I knew the answers and other people didn't. They were the ones she needed to teach.

So as the lesson droned on around me, I allowed myself drift. After all, this was my anniversary. I wanted to remember everything. I wanted to remember why I was the way I was, the reason I had been spared. I wanted to remember why I hated him the way I did. I wasn't finished. This was my time of self-indulgence.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I heard voices from behind the door. People were approaching. Instinctively I jumped off the bed, crouching behind it in a defensive stance. A small girl with curly red hair bounded into my room, beaming as if she had just won the big stuffed animal at the fair.

"Hello!" she continued to smile.

I didn't say anything. I remained motionless, waiting for the stranger to explain what the hell I was doing here. Charlie must be so worried by now. I had to get home.

The girl looked hurt by my lack of response. She sighed. "OK," she said. "I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have just run in here like that. I was just so excited. I'll start over."

I still hadn't relaxed my posture.

The girl noticed, but pretended not to. She smiled again. "my name is Macy. We found you in the forest. You were bitten and we were really worried about you. Your screams could be heard for miles even without our hearing, and we didn't want the attention it would bring. So we brought you here." She clasped her hand over her mouth. "Wait. I didn't mean it like that. It's not like we didn't want you. We just…you're new…and I didn't…" she was flustered, that I could tell. I instantly relaxed without meaning to. This girl's confusion was strangely making my own more bearable.

She continued, staring at the ground. I bet if she could blush her face would be crimson. Just like mine used to be. A flash of pain ran through me. I would never be able to blush like that again. As much as I had hated the way my body had always betrayed me, it was still an essential part of my life. A piece that I was never going to get back. _No, don't go there. Figure this out first. You can deal with the pain later._

"We brought you back here. Someone had attacked you and left. We don't know why. And then we discovered the wolves. Did you know they saved you? They were there when we arrived. It was incredible, watching them transform. By the way, did you know they can't morph with their clothes on?" She looked back up at me, an excited little girl who knew a secret. "They were naked! And not bad looking if you ask me. If you could handle the smell. But anyways," she said, obviously embarrassed again, "that's not important. The wolves apparently drove your attacker off, and that's when we came. They asked us to take care of you. They knew what was happening, but for some reason they stressed that they would never hurt you. You must be some kind of lucky, (here I snorted without meaning to). So we took you here. It was safer that way. I made sure there would be a mirror for when you woke up. I was kinda hoping it would help you feel a little better when you saw how pretty you are now."

I listened to her monologue, trying to comprehend everything I'd heard. Though I didn't know her, I liked Macy, in a way she reminded me of Alice. The way she bounced around, so excited and enchanted with life in general was a balm to my frayed nerves. I couldn't help it. I smiled.

I quickly recovered myself though. There were so many questions I needed answered. "When you say 'we'…" I trailed off, leaving the question unfinished yet understood.

Macy giggled. "Oh yeah. Abraham! Aston! Micah!" she called. "She's awake!" In an instant, three men were in the (my?) bedroom, staring at me. Their eyes were liquid gold, just like the Cullen's. I looked back to Macy. Hers were the same. I hadn't noticed before, what with all her bouncing and talking.

The oldest one, who looked like he was in his late 40s, cleared his throat. "er..miss..." he to floundered, unsure of what to call me.

"Bella. My name is Bella." I spoke, mostly trying to ease his discomfort. In a way he reminded me of Charlie. The awkward stance and the strain he felt with a new situation mirrored my father's attitude to a tee.

"Bella, first I would like to say welcome to our home. My name is Abraham O'Shannon. These are my sons Aston", the short blond haired boy grinned and waved, "and Micah". He gave me a nod without a smile. "And you have already met Macy" She beamed at me and I couldn't help the smile that came to my lips. There was something so innocent about her. I didn't know her, yet I wanted to protect her like my own.

"We realize this must be a confusing and difficult time for you." Abraham continued. "At this point I'm certain you're not even sure what has happened to you. We can explain later but for now –"

"No, I know exactly what has happened."

Abraham looked at me, both questioning and skeptical. "You might remember your attack but there's more to it than that."

I nodded, bizarrely calm in what was the biggest turning point of my life (existence?) "No, I know that. I don't really want to explain right now but I've had experiences in this sort of thing. Kind of. That is, you're not the first of your kind I've met." A flash of pain went through me as I remembered Edward and I nearly lost it there. _No Bella be strong. You can't fall apart just yet. Get through this and you can cry all you want. But just get through this._

Abraham was surprised but he didn't seem like he would push it for now. He studied me for a few moments, an unreadable expression in his eyes, before he continued.

"We want you to know that should you wish, we will help you through this. If you so choose, you may stay with us, and become a member of this family. Normally we do not extend this offer to just anyone, but Macy seems to have grown attached." Here Macy beamed even wider and bobbed her head, rocking back and forth on her heels. "But if not, at least stay long enough for us to teach you to control your thirst. You may decide to pursue human blood, which would be your choice, but as new as you are, you need to learn some control so as not to give yourself away." Abraham finished his speech, looking at me. Had I not known better, I would have thought he was uncomfortable with saying so much. Again, the reminder of Charlie flashed in my mind.

I was bitterly amused to think of him that way. I had lost my father and yet immediately another one was put in his stead. Again a flash of pain. Charlie. Oh god Charlie.

And then for the first time, I realized exactly the subject matter Abraham was speaking of. Blood. I put my hand to my throat, waiting for the scratchy feeling Edw– _he_ had described. There was nothing. In fact, the idea of drinking something so noxious made me feel sick.

I looked at Abraham. Thank you for your offer," I replied formally. "For the moment, I do want to stay." I wasn't sure if that were true but I needed people. Edward had left and I wanted something, anything, to fill the hole he had left behind. Neither him or his family had wanted me. "I'm just…so lonely," I continued in a small voice. "I need somewhere I can belong."

Macy bounded over and pulled me into a hug, again forgetting that we had just met. "Don't worry Bella! You can belong here! We're going to be such good friends!" I grimaced into her shoulder. That was exactly what Alice had said.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The bell rang and students began to rise from their seats. Had the time passed so quickly? God I needed this day to myself. But I would continue with this day, if only to prove to myself that he was wrong. I was not weak. I did not need help. I was strong enough to live through those memories again and again. Because no matter what, I was a fighter. And the day I saw him again I would be able to show him what had happened to me. My life had changed, and I thanked God for it. There was only one thing that still nagged me. I had felt love before, even if it had been a lie. But I wanted it again. I wanted someone who would make me feel like I didn't need to hate and didn't need to relive my pain on a yearly basis. I wanted to fall in love again.

With a sigh I picked up my books and headed out of the classroom. Aston was waiting for me as always.

"Why so blue, panda bear?" he asked, but I just glared at him. He looked at me and sighed.

"Bella, I know you're pissed and I hate that you are. But it was almost 70 years ago. Can't you just let it go? I mean, we have the life. We live for eternity, we have so many people drooling over us that we can do whatever we want, and we're like superheroes. This is paradise on earth baby. Can't that be enough?" he asked with a sigh.

"No." I stated flatly, and watched Aston's face fall. Immediately I regretted my harshness. Aston was my brother. I loved him. I would kill for him. I would die for him. But I would not let go of the rage that engulfed me this day every year. But in a way I think he understood.

"OK, well, I picked the wrong day to ask you. Give it another 70 years and maybe it'll be different. But remember Bella. Today is just another day. You don't need to torment yourself." He grabbed my hand and pulled my down the hall. "Come one. Time to pretend to be human. For everyone else, it's just another day."

_Yeah,_ I sighed. _Just another day in paradise._


	3. everyone needs someone

Disclaimer: I own a lamp in the shape of the Eiffel tower, a studded belt that keeps falling off, and a brand new laptop. However, I do not own Twilight. I wouldn't even want to. That's way too much work

I grimaced as Aston pulled my hand. Lunch was the best and worst part of my day. The best because I could finally be with my family, the worst because I couldn't help the memories of him that flooded my mind. I just couldn't forget the way I used to sit with Edward, oblivious to the stares in our directions. The way Emmett and Rosalie would happily bicker, always ending with a slap on Emmett's arm or to the back of his head. The way Alice would always tell Jasper he was strong enough to resist the scent of blood swirling around him, though mostly it was a lie. The way Edward would look at me as if I were his whole world. Asshole. Idly I wondered if this had been his intention. Did he want me to remember the lunches we had together? Was this his way of toying with me after he left? If he were truly that cruel, he was a real bastard. No, more than that. There weren't even words to describe just how screwed up he had made me. Again I sighed and headed to the lunch line, this time Aston in tow.

"Bella!" I heard a happy voice exclaim. I turned to see a blonde and tiny figure rush at me. At least it would have been a rush if I had been human. I smiled in genuine pleasure.

"Katie, hi!" Aston muttered he would meet me at our table and left as Katie danced towards me.

Katie stopped in front of me, already talking. "Hey! How are you! I miss you! I'm sorry I had to move out of the calculus class. It was just, you know, too much for me. My dad even told me I was too dumb to figure it out." She laughed self-deprecatingly but I fancied I could her the hurt behind it, which made me sad. Katie wasn't stupid, not at all. She just has what in my theory was a very strong case of undiagnosed ADD, which made it hard for her to pay attention in class. I honestly had lost count of the number of times she had been reprimanded by the teacher for trying to talk to me in the middle of the lesson.

Katie continued to chatter. "I think he might have been right. Anywho, I miss you. I was sitting in class today and I couldn't get over how much I missed our pre-class conversations!" she smiled at me, obviously expecting me to be to be as excited as she was. And I was, even if I didn't show my exuberance the same way she did.

Truth be told, I adored Katie. She was the one human who didn't seem to be afraid of us. Though I knew it mostly came from the fact that she was more oblivious than any person I had ever met, I couldn't help loving her for befriending me. She was adorable. Happy in her own world and thinking if she were happy, the world should be happy too. She was a great person, loyal to a fault and as my mother used to say, she could talk to a rock and make it talk back.

"So, have you heard about the new guy yet?" she continued, barely waiting for my response in her attempt to talk to me. "I haven't seen him, but apparently he's supposed to be gorgeous. I mean, like your type of gorgeous. He would fit right in with the rest of your family. " She smiled wistfully, likely caught up in memories of this mystery man. She'd snap out of it. After all, she had an amazing guy that adored her, and she was loyal to a fault. She wasn't about to fall for the beautiful stranger. Smart girl. Beautiful people, my family excluded, tended to play with a person and leave them when something better came along, god didn't I know.

I laughed. "Katie, we're not that good-looking. We were just brought up to act differently. That's just probably why we seem different and why people tend to stay away. We're too old fashioned. It makes people uncomfortable but at the same time we seem interesting." I told her all of this, as I had time and time again, but this time my words were a little distracted. Who was this new person? Was he one of us? Was he Edward? Why hadn't I sensed it? Oh yeah. Because I was too busy wrapped up in my self-indulgent memories.

Katie raised an eyebrow at me. "Right. Whatever you say, but he's gorgeous. Half the girls are in love with him already."

"So that must mean we're related?" I asked, amusement threading my voice.

"No that would be weird. I'm trying to tell you he's good looking. Can you imagine if I said that about Aston or Micah? Do you think you would like that much? But…I mean, Bella you're single, he's single. He's gorgeous, you're gorgeous. Do the math. "

"What about Macy? She's single and gorgeous too. Doesn't she have a shot?"

Katie snorted and made a face. "Bella, no offense, but your cousin doesn't seem interested in boys yet. It's like she hasn't reached the stage in life where boys don't have cooties."

I frowned at her. "Katie that's not fair. Macy just hasn't found anyone who understands her yet." I cringed knowing full well that Macy could hear every word. Not falling in love had been a sore spot. But I mean, honestly. How easy is it to find a vampire living in the same area, much more one that's willing to live off animal blood? Not very. There aren't many of us around, and most of those have a preference for a different kind of meal.

"Bella…" Katie trailed off, looking uncomfortable.

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever…you know…been in love?" She looked at me with earnest blue eyes. "I know it's rude to even ask but…I'm your friend. I want to know."

I started at her question. If it had been anyone but Katie I would seriously be wondering how many people would notice if I ripped their head from their body. But with Katie it was different. It wasn't that she was my friend. There was just something about her that made it impossible to be angry with her. But holy hell, the one day she picks to ask me… I decided to answer truthfully. She was right. She was my friend.

"Yeah, I have. Turns out he was kind of an asshole. You know, the whole, hey-I-think-you're-interesting-but-not-interesting-enough-to-love kind of guy. He used me."

"Oh, " Katie's brow furrowed in concern. "I'm sorry Bella, I didn't mean to bring it up."

"No, its ok." I flashed her a smile. " I'm over it now." _God you are such a liar!_

"I only asked because I like you. I think you deserve someone. I don't think I've ever met someone that deserved love like you do. That's why I was asking you about the new guy… if he talks to you, give him a chance ok? I heard him asking about you and your family in the hall. I didn't see him but I heard him introduce himself. His name is Lucian. Just, try not to be so closed off. You deserve happiness. I know you think I don't know where im coming from but I can sense it. It's kind of a gift. All I want is for you to be happy."

She gave me this wistful kind of smile. "Give life a shot Bella. You might be surprised at how things turn out." I held her stare for a couple more seconds, too shocked to speak. A human was giving me advice, a blissfully ignorant mortal knew more about my life than I did. _Whoa._ I continued to stare at her when she looked around. "OK well we're at the end of the line now. Here, I've got this." I looked up to see that somehow I had managed to arrive in front of the cash register and Katie was paying for my food. I tried to protest but she brushed me off.

"Think of it as payment to say thank you for listening to me and not hating me for being so nosy. I just wanted to say that I care about you Bella, and you seem like you could use a little romance. So.. yeah…" she trailed off awkwardly. " Like I said, I really miss you. If you'd want, I'd love to have a sleep over sometime."

I forced my lips into a stiff smile. " Thanks Katie. I'd like that too" surprising myself with my honesty. I really would enjoy spending more time with this girl, no matter how observant she might be. It was strange really. She was the most oblivious person I had ever met, but still seemed like she possessed this skill to pick up the most mundane facts about people, pieced them together, and could use them to figure a person out

"Thanks for the advice, Kate. I'll try to take it to heart." On impulse I hugged her, then watched her walk away to her table. I picked up my food on autopilot, and headed for my family.

_God he's gorgeous. Do you think he's single?_

_Who knows? But im gonna find out_

_Why can't a guy like that ever notice me? I mean, im pretty right?_

_Of course you are! But honey don't you think he might be just a little out of your league? I mean, look where he's heading over._

The conversations swirled around my head. I didn't pay much attention. I was too busy thinking about my conversation with Katie. Was I that obvious? Did I really seem that lonely? That's not what I wanted. _God please let someone love me_ I prayed as I set my tray down at my family's table. I just want to be loved. By someone other than …him. I closed my eyes, knowing it was hypocrisy to hate the one chance I had had but I couldn't help it. I did hate him maybe more than I had ever loved him. In truth, it wasn't hypocrisy after all. I wanted love, not lies. And that was all he had ever given to me. I wanted love. I wanted someone who could heal my wounds and rid me off this ever-present anger.

So absorbed in my thoughts I didn't notice the presence approaching.

"Hello," a soft, familiar voce rang in my ears. "Do you mind if I join you guys?"

I turned around, meeting a pair of golden orbs that froze me into place.

Edward?

**A/N: for those who want to know the next chapter, keep reading. For those who don't, stop reading. Spoiler ahead. Look down a few spaces to discover, and please, im begging you. Review. Most people skip the story if thee aren't that many reviews. If you want other people to read this, you have to write about me. Plus it would help my ego. Please tell me im not an awful writer. Anyways. Spoiler a few spaces down.**

**No, its not Edward, it's someone else. Bella is so wrapped up in her thoughts about Edward the first vampire she meets she assumes to be him. But there are more plot twists to come, if you guys keep reading.**


	4. how i love to hate my love

**Disclaimer: I own a 100-pound dog that doesn't understand he can't sit in my lap. But I don't own twilight**

Edward?

I looked up into eyes that were the same color of the only person I had ever wanted.

No, it wasn't him. Not even close. Pulling my attention away from my thoughts I took in the rest of this new vampire. He had shaggy blond hair that fell almost to his shoulders. His frame was lean. Had he been human I would have assumed he was a runner. But there was no way he was human; the scent coming from him lacked the element of blood. There was something about his stance that bespoke of growing up in another time. Late 18th/early 19th century maybe, but certainly older than Edward.

Argh. What was wrong with me? This guy looked nothing like Edward, but at the first chance my thoughts had immediately jumped to him. I should be stronger than this. But that voice…I had thought I knew that voice.

I realized I was still staring at him mutely. He looked a bit uncomfortable. I mentally smacked myself. _Say something idiot._

"Um..hi. I mean, sure." I blundered a bit, trying to recover myself. If I could still blush my face would be scarlet. "Please, sit down."

He did so, sliding gracefully into the seat next to me. Macy was still staring, not even trying to be subtle about it. Aston glared at him a bit, not sure what to make of a new vampire in town. Micah merely looked vaguely intrigued and confused.

"Hello," he said, still looking at me. "My name is Lucian. I'm new in town." He smiled. "But I'm sure you already knew that. I thought that I should introduce myself, seeing as we're going to be neighbors. I'm sorry to intrude on your territory. I honestly didn't expect any of our kind to be here."

I could hear Macy fidgeting from across the table, obviously wanting to talk. I tore my focus away from Lucian, who still had not looked at the other vampires at the table. I smiled and glanced at Macy, who looked like she was about to burst. "Lucian, this is Macy, my sister for all intents and purposes." She beamed at him, bouncing a little in her seat. "And this is Aston and Micah, my brothers." Aston nodded, not smiling and still glaring a little. I sighed. He was being a little rude. I should talk to him later. Micah didn't even bother responding. He frowned a little, puzzlement creasing his brow.

Lucian turned back to me. "And you are…" he asked softly. His eyes captured mine again. Almost dazzling me the way Edward used to. Almost.

"Bella," I replied cheerfully, though at the moment I felt anything but cheerful. I didn't want this to happen now. I didn't want to be dazzled on the anniversary of my broken heart. I just wanted to wallow. But now I had to pretend that I was ok because if I acted the way I felt on the inside, he would ask questions. It was none of his business but I didn't want to tell him that. The last thing I wanted was to chase off more people.

Macy was still fidgeting. I knew it wouldn't be long before she couldn't take it anymore. As if she had heard me she exploded. "Hello! I'm so glad to meet you! Where are you living? Is there anyone with you or are you by yourself? How old are you? Are you really a vegetarian like us? "

Lucian laughed softly. "In a house down by the river. Just me. 256. And yes."

Macy smiled brightly. "Wow," she replied. That's just so neat! Bella, don't you think that's neat?"

"Very neat. " I answered, standing up. I wasn't equipped for this right now. I had to get out. "If you'll excuse me I forgot something in my locker." Macy looked at me, confused. Vampires don't forget anything. She opened her mouth to speak but Micah nudged her. She looked at him and shut her mouth.

"It was a pleasure meeting you, Bella." Lucian had stood when I had, like something out of a 19th century dinner party. He looked into my eyes again. " I hope I see you soon."

I managed a small smile. Turning around, I left the cafeteria without looking back.

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The rest of the school day went by in a blur, just as it normally did. I followed my usual routine of tuning out the conversations around me and focusing inward on my thoughts. As the final bell rung I sighed with relief. Finally. I could go home now and give myself over to the day.

My family was waiting for me out in the parking lot. I didn't see Lucian, but I didn't give it much thought. Had it been any other day I would have been curious as hell about a new vegetarian vampire in town. But today…I sighed. I was sighing a lot these days.

In the car on the way home it was strangely quiet. Macy was unusually subdued and Aston looked like he was sulking. Micah finally broke the silence. "Bella." he said, looking at me. I withdrew my gaze from the passing forest and returned my attention to him.

"Bella," he repeated slowly. It seemed as if he were choosing his words very carefully. "about lunch today. Did you know him from before?"

"What?" I asked, surprised. "No, I don't think so."

Micah looked ahead, deftly maneuvering in between cars. "If you did, it's ok. I'm just wondering why you didn't tell us. There was no reason to keep it a secret. You didn't have to pretend you didn't know him." Ah so that was the reason for the tension in the car. They thought I was hiding things.

"Micah I swear to you I have no idea who he is. I can't remember ever meeting him before."

Micah looked strained. "Bella the connection between you two was very strong. Almost as strong as the one between our family." I looked at him, confused for a moment. Then I remembered Micah's gift. He could see the connections between people and their relationships. He had tried explaining it to me once. From what I understand, people are connected to each other through a series of invisible webs. Micah can visibly see those webs. Every person has some connection with the people around them, and in a way was tied to them. It was like golden threads that attached themselves to two people, and the thicker the thread, the stronger the relationship.

I was confused. "But I don't know him." But I remembered the way his voice had seemed so familiar. Micah looked back at me. A small smile played on his lips. "I know you never could tell a lie but I don't know what this means. I've never been wrong before. I'm going to talk to Abraham. Maybe he'll know something."

We had arrived at the house. I looked at it, still sitting in the car. It was beautiful, there was no doubt of that. But something about it never felt right to me. It reminded me too much of _their_ home. Shaking my head I got out of the car. Abraham wasn't home yet and my brothers and sister were leaving to hunt. It was a small gesture that acknowledged my need for solitude today. I went up the stairs slowly, slightly dreading my self-imposed torment. But I would go through with it because if I didn't there was no guarantee that I wouldn't continue to think of it all day every day for the rest of my very long life. It was best to get it all out now. Then I could survive a year of forcing it out of my mind.

I resumed my earlier position on my bed and, closing my eyes, I let myself pick up where I had left off.

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Starting out life as a vampire was stranger than I had thought. Being with Edward had fooled me into thinking that if he had ever turned me nothing would be different. I was wrong. Dead wrong if you'll excuse the awful pun.

For starters, while I might not have been thirsty the O'Shannons still insisted I learn to hunt. To my surprise I was quite good at it. And while the thought of drinking blood repulsed me, the act was glorious. When I feasted it was the same sensation I had had as a human devouring chocolate cake and ice cream. I didn't need it but it was so damn good I colnt help myself. That's what it was, an indulgence.

It was difficult learning to adapt to the new sensations. Everything was sharper now. Smells were richer, colors were more intense, and I could hear individual songs playing in the cars that drove along the highway, which was miles away. Sometimes it felt overwhelming, so many things happening at once. But it was fairly easy to adjust to. The same could not be said for my new agility. If I had been clumsy in my human life, then I was a bull in a china shop now. I always forgot how fast I was going, and managed to slam into walls. I would rise up too quickly and inevitably knock my head into something. Though now, instead of hurting myself, I hurt the objects around me. I felt awful about it too. The O'Shannons had been so kind, allowing me into their home, and there I was, bumbling about wrecking it. They always smiled and said they understood, but I couldn't help feeling wretched. Though it took years, the guilt I felt eventually managed to control my actions. I went slower and with more caution. Eventually their (our) home stopped looking like a disaster area and more like a house.

We moved again and again, always covering our tracks, limiting our socializing so as to not draw attention to ourselves. In my opinion it just made us more of a mystery and more conspicuous. But no matter how many times we moved, no matter how many how many times I had to regret leaving another home, nothing compared to the pain of the first move. Nothing ever would.

Abraham had knocked on my door a few days after my transformation. "Bella, " he had said. "We have to move. Everyone believes you to be dead. If anyone saw you…" he trailed off. I understood, but it didn't help the ache where my heart had been . He continued. " Fortunately we only moved into this house a few days ago. No one knows us yet. I haven't even applied for a job." I knew Abraham was a lawyer, and a good one at that. No one in the courtroom would ever measure up to his experience. It made sense that he didn't have a job yet. No matter where he applied he would be taken. He had simply been taking his time.

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. I would be leaving Forks, the place where I had fallen in love, had my heart ripped away from me, and died. I should have been glad to get away. But there were so many other memories to this place. I would miss my friends. I would miss the reminders of past times. More than anything, I would miss my father.

"We will leave tomorrow. If you can you should see your father. Not in person of course, because that would be too complicated, but from a distance. Give yourself a chance to-" he stopped, noticing the tears brimming in my eyes. Immediately he averted his gaze and shifted his weight. In the few days I had known him, I had already learned Abraham was not good at dealing with emotional situations. He looked at me one last time then abruptly left the room.

I ran to my old house that night. I wasn't worried about wanting to kill Charlie. Blood still smelled like rust and salt to me. It was only when I was drinking it did I find it wonderful. But I had to see him, one last time. I sat in a tree across the street, staring into the living room window. Charlie was sitting on the sofa, his head in his hands. I saw his shoulders shaking and could hear his gentle sobs.

"Isabella. Bella. My baby." He choked into his hands.

I wanted nothing more than to rush into the house and comfort him. I couldn't prevent the small sob of pain that escaped from me. My father was there, broken and alone. I wanted to hold him, tell him everything was ok, that I was still alive in a way. But I couldn't. For his sake, I had to stay away.

"I love you Daddy," I whispered. "I'm so sorry." Unable to watch my father's anguish anymore, I leapt out of the tree and returned home. I never saw him again.

During those first few years I was a mess. I barely spoke, rarely smiled, and never laughed. To this day I'm not sure why the O'Shannons let me stay. In all honesty it was probably Macy who insisted. Despite my reclusiveness, she seemed to look at me as the big sister she never had. But I was ungrateful for what they had offered me, my grief at the loss of Edward engulfing me and consuming my thoughts.

I cried most of the time in the beginning. I would lock myself in my room and sob, unmindful of the fact that my new family could hear me. They gave me my space. The fact that I couldn't shed my tears only increased my pain. Crying at least would have offered some relief.

But then, something happened. After countless nights spent alone in my room, giving myself to my pain, I began to change. Slowly the pain that had consumed me lessened. Replacing it was an iron cold hatred. My anger that night in the forest was like a blade of grass in a field. It was miniscule compared to my feelings now. Slowly every ounce of love I held for Edward disintegrated. I knew nothing of love now. All I knew was hate.

The bastard had left me. He had used me. I had offered him my heart and he had ripped it away with his teeth. In Forks he had been the one to pursue me. How dare he? Was he truly that bored with life that he needed to toy with peoples' minds in order to stay amused? He had the act down to a tee. The anguished looks, the subtle touches, the way he created a special moment before each kiss. It must have taken years to perfect that. How many other human girls had he screwed over in his existence? Fuck him. I would not be another statistic. He would not leave me broken. He could fuck over as many women as he wanted, but he was a fool if he thought he could destroy me in the process.

I hated him. I still hate him. He had tried to destroy me but I would not let that happen. If I ever saw him again I would…actually I didn't know what I would do. But I would be damned if I ran crying to him, begging for him to love me. I didn't want his love. I didn't need it. All my experience with him had taught me was that he was the worst kind of monster, a demon with no feelings and no heart. I might not be that extraordinary in any way, but I refused to believe I didn't deserve honesty and kindness. I would have given him anything. But all he offered to me was pain. The lying bastard had used me for his own amusement. I was finished mourning him.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I opened my eyes, breathing hard. I could still taste the aftermath of the emotions that had coursed through my body. I felt the hate lingering in my mind before I pushed it away, storing it for next year. This was the hardest part. If I let it out and resurface again, I wasn't sure it wouldn't consume me and ruin my life. It had taken me years to get to where I was. I refused to go through that again. I looked at the alarm clock. 12:01 AM. My anniversary was over. Now I would be able to hide the thoughts and rage for another year.

I sat up on the bed and looked around. Too many feelings still existed in this tiny area, too many remnants of my emotional battle. I stood up, forcing myself to move. I turned and left the room, walking away from any lingering memories.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Edward's POV

I sat in my room, refusing to come out, as I did most days. 68 years ago, I had made the worst mistake of my life. I had lost her. I told her I didn't want her. I still flinched every time I saw the look of hate in her eyes. Though I knew it was necessary, I didn't want her to hate me. I wanted her love. That's all I had ever wanted from her. But when she had given it to me, what had I done? Thrown it way like yesterdays trash. I'd been right all along. I was a monster.

And she had died because of it. She had died believing I didn't love her. She had died hating me. The searing pain was almost too much to handle. I would do anything, endure anything, for things to be the way it was before. I would go through the pain of transformation all over again if it meant I could see her one last time. But she was gone. You killed her, a voice whispered in my head. You're a monster. I didn't argue with the voice. It was right. I had left her to protect her, and my leaving had caused her death. I wasn't there to save her. It was such bitter irony.

My darling, my light and my love was gone. No amount of time would heal that ache. God I just wanted to die. Maybe…

As I had the thought, the door burst open, ripping the lock off the hinges. Alice stood there, tiny and ferocious. She glared at me.

"I know what you're thinking," she spat. "Edward knock it off. The whole trying to kill yourself thing is getting very, very old. To be honest, even Emmett is getting tired of having to wrestle you down, and that's saying something." She paused for a second, her face growing gentler. "She's gone, Edward. We've lost her. I know your pain surpasses mine a hundredfold , but I miss her too. We all loved her. But we can't lose you too. Do you have any idea what it would do to Esme? To me?" She became angry again. You know, Edward, you so freaking selfish. Sometimes I wonder why I bother." And with that, she stormed out, leaving me alone to return to my misery.

If she had wanted to help me, she hadn't. she was right. I was selfish. I was selfish for hurting my family, for ever getting involved with Bella ( my dead heart writhed at the thought of her name). If I had just left her alone, she would never have been murdered. It was all my fault. My selfishness had brought her demise.

I sat against the wall, my head held in my hands. I allowed myself to drift away, lost in the memories of the one girl I could ever love. Thoughts of Bella consumed me. Her smell of freesias that once tormented me but later brought comfort, her smile, the way when she was angry she thought she was invincible, the tears that always seemed to escape when she was too angry to speak, the way she tripped over thin air and how I always used o catch her, the way she was physically incapable of accepting a gift with good grace, the way she blushed at every awkward moment which only made her more beautiful. All these memories ran through my head relentlessly, refusing to allow me a break from the pain. So be it. I would endure this. if this was to be my punishment I would gladly endure it until the end of my existence. After all, it was a small price to pay for my sins.

_Bella my love, how I miss you…_

**Well? what do you think? you didnt really believe i was going to bring edward and bella together again so soon did you? wheres the agnst in that? again, as always, im asking for reiews. i had over 100 hits today but so few comments. I'll make a deal with you guys. once i become rich and powerful i will buy the rights to twilight. and anyone who reviews on here will get a share. what do you say? ill try to update soon, mostly for my own indulgence**


	5. anticipation of the freedom

**Disclaimer: I love Twilight. I love reading it, watching it, and writing it. And I hate that I do not own it. But that's the way it is.  
**

**A/N: So first i would just like to say thanks for the reviews. you guys are so nice. keep em coming! lol. anyways, people have been sending me questions about this story. so i would like to take a moment to explain. the new vamp is not Edward, who still does not know bella is alive. there are several things that reminds belle of edward, but i have a purpose for this, i swear. just stay with me. i plan on introducing E in a couple of chapters, but first i want to take the time to develop lucian and bella's relationship. i already know the ending to the story, but if anyone is confused and worried they wont like it, feel free to message me for the spoiler. and as for the other concerns, patience, my darlings. all will be revealed in time. Until then, i hope you enjoy. by the way, dont stop with reviews. they make me so happy. and when im happy, i write. so by fault, if you review i will write. **

Macy and the boys didn't return until dawn. I think they wanted to stay away as long as possible. Knowing that I felt bad. I was sorry I was such a pain to live with. I really was trying to be better. But I don't think anyone had noticed besides Micah. Even so, I was glad they had hunted without me. I didn't think that any amount of years would adjust me to seeing Macy hunt. She was so tiny, I hated watching her tackle animals that should have been able to rip her apart. It was terrifying. And watching her feeding frenzy made me a little sick. Yes she was my age but seemed so innocent I couldn't handle it. She had been a vampire for far longer than me but there was something so childlike about her that I hated the idea of her being drawn into the world of the Undead and blood lust. It didn't suit her.

I got ready for school earlier than usual, strangely excited about the new day for once. For the first time in 68 years I applied make up. it looked a little wrong but I didn't think anyone besides my family would notice. Except for maybe Lucian. A strange anticipation filled me when I thought of him. It wasn't every day that a new vampire came into town. For once something interesting was happening.

As I sat in my room looking at my reflection and wondering if my eyeliner was too wobbly Macy came in. "Wow…" she stuttered. "You look…nice." I grimaced at her, unsure of what "nice" meant.

She saw my expression and laughed. "Bella hush. You look pretty. Not that you don't always but it seems like for once you made an effort." She giggled slyly. "This wouldn't have anything to do with a new kid at school, would it?"

I smiled. "Not in the way you're thinking."

She looked closer at my face. "Wait. Bella…are you wearing… make up?" I looked back into the mirror. Was it so obvious? I thought in panic. again Macy laughed, seeming to read my thoughts. "no, you can't tell much. But here," she said, picking up the eyeliner. "Let me help you."

I grimaced again. "Macy…"

"Oh Bella don't start. How often do I get to see you make an effort? I'm taking advantage of it."

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I swear, sometimes Macy reminded me so much of Alice it was hard to tell them apart. She had decided to play Barbie Bella and taken complete control of my appearance. Looking at myself in the mirror I didn't really recognize myself. My hair was shiny and straight, falling gently down almost to the middle of my back. My make up, which she had completely had redone, was subtle and flattering. I had drawn the line at clothing though. There was no way in hell she was getting me into a pair of heels. She should know better. Vampire though I am, my center of balance would always remain off center.

I looked at my reflection and shook my head. Yeah, maybe I looked nice but it just wasn't me. I stooped to pick up my backpack. "Nuh uh." Macy said. " I will not have my project (_Project? Really?)_ marred by a piece of cargo." I frowned. My bag might be tattered and old, but calling it names wasn't necessary. " You're carrying your books today Missy," Macy said firmly. "Here, I'll even give you a bag to put some of them in. She handed me a black (I think it was Gucci, Lord help me) purse large enough to hold a small dog in. "Now get!" she ordered me, motioning down the stairs. I didn't argue. I didn't want to give her time to think of something else to do with me.

We arrived at school a little later than planned. Macy had sacrificed her need to be on time to prepare me for…whatever. I walked to my class, vaguely aware I was earning more stares than usual. I was never putting on make up again.

"Bella!" a masculine voice called. I turned to see Lucian jogging towards me. I smiled without meaning to. "Lucian!" I said. "Hi!"

he stopped in front of me. His mouth opened as if her were about to say something, but then his eyes widened and his mouth closed with an audible snap. I looked at him, confused and impatient. _I really need to get to class…_

Lucian looked me up and down. "You look..different" he said. "I didn't recognize you at first."

The cynic in me rolled her eyes. _It's just a little make up and a flatiron. How much of a difference could it make? _But I let it go. "Different good or different bad?" I asked. He hesitated and I winced internally_. I knew it. I never should have let Macy talk me into this. Maybe I can wash it off after class..._.

Lucian looked at me, his eyes captivating mine in a hypnotic way that I wasn't sure I wanted to understand. "Different good. But mostly it's just different. I know I haven't known you that long but this" he gestured to my appearance "just doesn't seem like you. But hey, I've been wrong before. " he grinned at me as the bell rung. "Do you mind if I walk you to your next class? I'd love to talk."

Immediately I was flustered. "Um…s-sure, I mean, if you don't mind being late to yours. That is, if it's not right next to mine or something." I forced myself to stop rambling and merely looked up at him, knowing there would be hell to be pay for being tardy.

He merely laughed. "Bells" he said. I stopped focusing on the conversation for a moment. Did he just call me Bells? No one had called me that in almost 70 years. It felt strange, but nice. In a way, after he had used that name I felt more comfortable around him. And then I realized he was still talking. "I don't need to worry about my classes. The whole speed thing you know." He flashed me a grin. _Oh yeah. Duh. Dammit Bella wake up. _

The bell rang as we arrived in front of my classroom. I could hear Madame Schaile grumble to herself, something about how loud it was and not everyone was as hard of hearing as the principal. I turned towards the door saying "So I guess I'll see you later then."

"Bella wait." I turned back around.

Lucian had closed the distance between us, a bit more than I was sure I was comfortable with. He looked down at me, his eyes strangely intense. "I'll be waiting for you after ok? I'd like to talk some more." His eyes bored into mine as he spoke.

Wait. Stop for a moment. Did he just try to…dazzle me? Ugh. With an inner snort I turned away from him. _Get real Bella. He's probably just like you, excited there's someone he can relate to._ "Ok then see you after class" I said. I walked away nonchalantly, trying not to give away just how disturbed I felt. I sighed. No matter what, at least it was something new.

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He was there waiting for like he said he would be. _Wow_, I thought. _A guy that keeps their promises. That's new._ Immediately I pushed the thought away. _Tsk Tsk Bella. you had your day to think about death. Now focus on life. _

I smiled at Lucian, surprising myself by just how glad I was to see him. We chatted casually as we walked to class. Not about anything important, just two people trying to get to know one another. Again he promised to be waiting for more after class, and again he was. The same thing happened for every period before we headed to lunch.

As we headed to the cafeteria Lucian glanced at me while we walked. "So would it be ok if I joined you again? I don't want to impose but.." He looked away, seeming strangely nervous.

I smiled. _I swear, this guy has more attitude changes then anyone id ever met since-yeah. Anyways. One minute he's super confident, talking with me as if I've known him for years and the next he see seems afraid that I won't want to be his friend. _"Lucian, join us, please. I know Macy would love it." I wasn't so sure Aston would but he could get over it. He could look at is a chance to practice learning to be polite.

As we walked in Katie accosted me the moment I walked through the doors. "Bella hey are you-" She stopped abruptly, noticing Lucian with me. Her eyes widened.

"What's up Katie?" I felt the need to prompt her.

"Oh…uh, nothing. It can't wait." She started to move away, flashing me a smile that said "good for you!" Inwardly I groaned. She had apparently decided I was taking her advice.

"What was that about?" Lucian asked softly. He sounded amused.

I decided to play it off as a joke. "Nothing. I think you just scared her off is all. You're quite terrifying." I grinned up at him.

"Yes. Yes I am. I'm absolutely menacing." He grinned and growled softly. Suddenly I no longer felt that I could joke. He had growled, but to me it almost seemed like a purr. There was something so sensual about it I swore my heart would have been pounding if it still existed. Whoa. Suddenly I felt uncomfortable.

I turned away to gather my props for the hour. Lucian followed suit and we headed to my family's table.

_It figures he'd immediately join up with the O'Shannons. Apparently it's a models only club_

_Ooh Jamie did you see that? I think he just looked at me. Maybe I've got a shot after all._

_Wow. That's the first time ive seen Bella O'Shannon talk to anyone outside her family. Do you think they're together?_

_Ashley hush. He only moved into town yesterday. I doubt anything has happened yet._

Normally I was able to ignore the gossip that surrounded me family and me. But this time I felt embarrassed. I knew Lucian was able to hear them too. People imagining a romance between me and someone I had only m et yesterday was a little unnerving. I thought I saw Lucian smile briefly but I wasn't sure.

We sat down at my table (or was it ours now?). Macy looked excited. Just like everyone here I knew she was imaging a romance. Aston, just as I had predicted, looked resentful, shooting daggers at Lucian. I kicked him under the table and he looked at me, having the decency to seem sheepish.

Micah cleared his throat. "So Lucian, we didn't have much time to talk yesterday. Why did you decide to become a vegetarian like us.?"

Lucian took a deep breath, seeming to contemplate just how to word his story. It was almost as if he were deciding which parts to leave in and which to keep out.

"I was born in 1803 in Boston, and changed in 1821 in Paris, France. I was doing the fashionable thing at the time for people of the upper class., touring Europe and experiencing the arts. That night…" He shuddered and skipped ahead, obviously not wanting to relive it again. "Anyways, I don't know why he didn't kill me. Maybe someone had approached. But he left me there, leaving me to learn for myself what I had become. At first I went insane. I killed everything that crossed my path." A shadow crossed his face. I could see it was hard for him to talk about.

He took another deep breath and continued. "Eventually I managed to learn to control myself enough so as not to alert others to my presence. I have always lived alone, so moving was never a problem. I wandered for centuries, hunting when I needed to and moving away before anyone had a suspicion. But I grew to hate myself. I didn't want to be a monster." At this I froze. _I don't want to be a monster._ I could still the words ringing in my ears from another lifetime ago

Lucian continued, unmindful of my sudden tension. "I began to wonder if there was another way to exist. One day, as I was travelling I came across a herd of mustangs. An idea came to me, and I attacked. Afterwards I found that while the taste wasn't nearly as good, it was enough to keep me sustained. From then on I've never looked back."

He finished his tale and we were all silent for a minute, absorbing it all in and toying with our food.

"So," Aston finally broke the silence. "since you changed your diet, have you ever screwed up?" I kicked him under the table again for being so tactless. It wasn't any of our business. But Lucian didn't seem offended.

"Yes," he admitted quietly. He looked at me, seeming almost apologetic. He turned back to Aston. "But only once. I couldn't seem to help myself. One breath of this person and I couldn't stop. The person was if you will, my _la tua cantante_. But I didn't kill her. My power" he rolled his eyes at the word, again reminding me of another life, "is the ability to sense minutes before that danger is approaching. As I slowly killed my victim, I could sense something coming. I never knew I had that kind of willpower but somehow I managed to stop. I suppose my sense of self-preservation was stronger than my thirst. After that incident, I vowed I would never let my needs control me again." He looked away, obviously burned out.

I sat there stunned. Wow. I never would have guessed he had so much regret in his life.

We were all silent again, but this time it was Macy who broke the silence.

"So you're like one of the good guys now right?" she asked. "that's so romantic. The good in a person overpowering the evil and making them see the light." She sighed dreamily.

We all began to laugh, the tension broken by the happy little girl.

After that, the conversation flowed naturally.

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The rest of the day passed like the morning, Lucian walking me to my classes and meeting me afterwards. After the last bell rang I headed out to the parking lot to meet my family as usual, finding it strange Lucian hadn't been there to meet me. Maybe he left early. Not that I blamed him, but I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.

As I walked outside I spotted my family and began to make my towards them but a voice calling my name stopped me.

"Bells!" Lucian cried. I looked over to where he stood, propped up against a bright red motorcycle. "come he for a second," he called. I didn't have much choice if I didn't want to seem rude.

"Hi," he grinned when I approached. "I was wondering, I'm heading up to the state park to hunt. Do you want to come along"

"um," I hesitated. I wasn't sure if I should. Though I really liked him, sometimes it seemed like he was flirting with me. I wasn't sure I should be alone with him. I wasn't sure I was ready to be flirted with..

He saw my hesitation and smiled. "Come on Bells. Your eyes are pitch black. You could use it. Besides, you never know. You might have fun," He smiled at me again and for some reason I relaxed and relented.

"Alright," I smiled a little myself. His grin was too infectious to remain stoic. "I'm going to hunt," I murmured, knowing my family could hear. "go on home." I glanced to where they were all standing. Macy looked delighted, Aston rolled his eyes and Micah looked speculative.

I turned back to Lucian. "Do you have a helmet?"

He looked amused. "I didn't know you needed one"

"I don't but it's still the law." Even if it was a lifetime ago, my father's adherence to the law still dictated my own ways.

He laughed but reached to the other side of the bike, producing a black helmet.

I fastened it on and straddled the bike, and wrapped my arms around his waist so as to gain better leverage. "Just to warn you," he murmured, I like to go fast.

"Fine by me," I replied and said a quick prayer of apology to my father.

"Hold on tight spider monkey." I closed my eyes to the fresh reminder of my heart. I fingers tightened into his waist. His misinterpreted the gesture as agreement, and started the bike. Once we pulled out of the parking lot he sped up, quickly accelerating into triple digits. Because I was such a klutz I rarely allowed myself to run at full speed, and I didn't let Micah drive above the speed limit. So this kind of speed was still new to me. I wasn't afraid. I knew no matter what Lucian was in control. So I let myself relax and enjoy it.

I found that I was laughing. As the wind slapped at my face and tore at my hair, I gave myself up to the sheer enjoyment of the speed. I sat up straighter and tilted my head back, smiling. For the moment, nothing mattered. Not Edward, not my old life, not my desperate desire to find someone who could heal me.

For just that moment, I was free.

**i really like that last section. anywho, i cant promise ill be posting for a few days. i just learned i have a 12 page term paper due on tuesda, not to mention all the reading ive pt off in order to keep you guys happy. =] so if im sacrificing my education, the least you guys could do is review. please and thank you. kisses!**

**-shan  
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	6. broken promises

**A/N: so I decided that I didn't really feel like doing my term paper. Ill do it tomorrow. This is way more interesting than studying the effects of magazine covers on gender roles. So yeah. I know people are impatient for the return of Edward but it's just not time yet. I know, I know. I miss him too but he'll be here eventually. It's taking everything I have not to rush into it. Parts of this chapter are going to be a little cryptic, don't hate me. Pay close attention to Bella's story. If you can figure parts out it'll explain why Micah saw such a strong bond.**

**Lucian's POV:**

I heard Bella laughing as we sped along the highway and I couldn't help the smile that came to my lips. It was beautiful. I didn't know her well yet, but I had already discovered she wasn't a happy person. She was sweet and polite, but there was something haunting her. So to hear that laugh was wonderful; it affected me in a strange way. I wanted to hear it again. I wanted to make her happy. More than anything I wanted to erase that haunted look in her eyes.

I grimaced to myself and increased my was wrong with me? She had only met me yesterday. I didn't need to be thinking this way. Yes, this girl was wonderful. She was beautiful, sweet and interesting. But that did not give me the right to pursue her. Something about her was too closed off, as if she cringed at the idea of someone being interested in her. This girl had been hurt, of that I was sure. The rage I felt at this nameless person surprised me in its intensity. I had no right to hate someone I didn't even know. I wasn't even sure if it was a nameless person. Maybe it had been me that had done this to her.

But I had heard that laugh, and in an instant knew the person she could have been, and hopefully could still become. And whoever had hurt her had taken that away. The world didn't deserve to have that person ripped away from it as he had done. And so I hated him. I hated him for whatever he had done to her. I hated him for taking the wonderful person she could have been out of this world. Mostly I hated him because of what her pain did to me.

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After we finished hunting we walked through the forest at a human pace. I couldn't help but be amused. Bella was surprisingly graceful when taking down the animals we pursued, but the moment we finished it was a different story. She was clumsy. When I had tried to run she didn't seem to have the ability to avoid the trees the way a normal vampire would. She didn't run straight into them but she didn't miss them entirely either. After the third time I saw her shoulder ram into one, sending out a spray of wood and splinters, I had slowed to a walk. Bella had looked embarrassed but didn't say anything.

As we walked I stole glances at her. She appeared lost in thought. I wondered if she knew what she looked like when she was relaxed. I doubted she would ever relax again if I told her just how much more approachable she seemed. Her eyes were large and softened when she felt comfortable. Her mouth released itself from a slight puckering. Her jaw no longer seemed tense, as if she were grinding her teeth in an effort to control herself.

What had he done to her?

Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I was being nosy but I didn't care. I had to know more about her.

"Bella?" I asked quietly. She turned to look at me, the relaxation gone. Instead she seemed almost…wary.

"Bella what happened to you? I know we don't know each other very well yet, but I get the feeling that you didn't always used to be like this. There's something in you that just seems so sad."

Her eyes flashed in sudden anger. "I don't want to talk about it," she bit, and began walking quicker.

I let her walk on ahead, giving her time to cool down. I knew I had been rude, and I was sorry. Once she wasn't so angry I would apologize.

After five minutes or so she slowed down and turned back to me. She didn't seem angry anymore. Instead she just looked sad.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "You've been so kind to me and I've just been a jerk." I opened my mouth to deny it but she held up a hand, stopping me. "Yes I have. I'm sorry I snapped at you. The thing is, I made a deal with myself a long time ago I would only dwell on what had happened to me once a year. More than that, and im scared it would consume me all together. Yesterday was my yearly remembrance." She smiled sadly.

"Bella, if you don't want to tell me I understand."

She shook her head. "No, you told me your story. I think of you as a friend," something inside of me twitched in happiness at her words "and its only fair that you should know mine too. " She sighed. "It's just going to be hard. I haven't had to tell the story since I moved in with my family."

I nodded, waiting for her to continue.

"When I was seventeen I moved to Forks, Washington. I met a boy there. Instantly I knew there was something different about him. But he seemed to avoid me like the plague. I honestly thought he hated me until one day out of nowhere he started talking to me. He even asked me out. Then one night I went shopping with my friends and these men approached. They wanted…" she trailed off, wincing in the pain of the memory. I felt the rage roll through my body at the idea of anyone touching her with such vile intentions. _You hypocrite._

She continued. "Anyway, he saved me. By then I already knew what he was, and this only confirmed it. Vampire." She looked up at me and I tried not to give away my surprise.

"We…I fell in love. No, it was more than falling in love with him. It was like I had loved him all my life but was just figuring it out. He was perfect in every way, at least that's what I thought. I met his family and they seemed to love me too. One day I was attacked by another vampire and bitten. He saved me, sucking the venom out. I didn't tell you before. I was his, as you called it, la tua cantante. But he still managed to save me." She looked bitter. "I guess he didn't want my death on his hands. Anyways, he started hinting about leaving me but I panicked, and so he promised he wouldn't and he would always be with me. I should have looked at it as foreshadowing but everything seemed fine until my eighteenth birthday. That day I cut myself on a damn piece of paper and all hell broke loose. His brother tried to kill me. A few days later he left me. He told me that it was too hard trying to be with me, he was tired of having to save me. He said he was bored. He told me that he had never truly loved me and was too hedonistic to keep up the farce. And then he told me to grow up." Her voice broke at this last bit of information and I caught my breath. I wanted to find this monster and rip him to shreds for what he had done to this sweet young girl

She continued. "After he said what he needed to say, he left. I ran further into the woods, not really noticing where I was going. And then I was attacked." She looked back up at me, anger burning in her eyes. _Oh god she knows. How could she know?_

"He wasn't there to save me. Two hours alone without him and I was in danger." The relief that filled me was immeasurable. She was merely angry with the person who hadn't been there for her as he had promised. "When I resurfaced from the pain of the transformation, I was with Macy and my new family. They took care of me."

She paused for a second, seemingly lost in thought. I waited, not wanting to break her out of her reverie. I wanted to know everything. "He once told me that when a person is changed their attitude is basically set for eternity. It takes a lot for even a small change. I think that's why I am the way I am. I hate him Lucian. I hate him so much. When I died, that's what I was feeling. Hatred and grief. The first few years I was consumed by the thought of my loss, but then gradually my anger took over. It as a reflection of my anger that night, only intensified. Since then, I haven't been the same. Im ok most days, but only because I refuse to let myself think about it. I have to be ok, if only for my family. I love them. I don't want to make them miserable. So most days I suck it up and continue with my life, but one day a year I let myself remember. This is the first time I've ever spoken of it outside of my anniversary since I made my vow." She finished her speech, looking miserable.

I didn't know what to say. The pain she felt was palpable. I wanted to fix her but I didn't know what to do. My own helplessness enraged me. So I did the only thing I could do. I pulled her into my arms, holding her close. At first she stiffened, uncomfortable with the contact but I held on. Gradually her body began to relax, and she was clinging to me. Her face was buried in my chest and I felt her trembling. If I ever found that bastard…

"I'm sorry," I murmured into her hair. She didn't respond.

I don't know how long we stayed like that, in the middle of the forest wrapped in our own thoughts. But eventually, _too soon_ voice in my head cried, she pulled away. She didn't seem sad as she looked up at me, instead she seemed…shaken. I didn't know what to think of that. I could almost see her shake herself out of it. Suddenly she smiled.

"We should get going. But if you want…she trailed off looking away, seeming uncertain.

If my heart could still beat it would have been pounding. "Yes?"

She looked back at me. "Do you want to come home with me? You could meet my father. It must be lonely spending all your nights alone."

Mutely I nodded and followed her out to where I had parked my bike.

_I shouldn't be doing this_, I thought. _Im falling for her and there's no way she's ready for that. What am I doing?_

But my less noble side prevailed. After hearing about all her pain, I couldn't stay away. I wanted to do anything I could to be around her, learning more. I wanted to know her favorite jokes, what annoyed her, what her favorite color was. In the space of a few minutes I had been completely and utter captivated.

**A/N: no flames please all you edward lovers. im thinking about fleshing his story out in the next chapter, and finding a way for him to move to where bella lives. what do you think? id love to hear your opinions. i love the feedback and it helps me know in what direction i should push the story in. and besides, the reviews make me feel good. so tell your friends and review yourself. kisses!  
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	7. changes

**Still not finished with my term paper but im burnt out. So to hell with it. I've been thinking over the last few days about where I want this story to go and truth be told, I really do appreciate the input from all you guys. It has been duly noted and taken into consideration. And paige, I would gladly email you to tell you what I think but the email address you left doesn't seem to have gone through. All that I can see is a .uk. maybe you should just message me on here. But anyways, heres what ive been thinking about this weekend, and trust me, if you don't want more wtf episodes, you shouldn't read this. the plot thickens….**

**Disclaimer: in case anyone was wondering, I am not Stephanie meyer and thus do not own twilight. Stephanie meyer's bella is way more forgiving than mine.**

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The ride home was the same as the one before it. Bella laughing, me smiling and craving the next laugh to follow. We didn't talk at all. I didn't want to miss a chance to hear her laugh again. After all, we had all night to talk but laughing wasn't something that came naturally to her and I didn't think she would do it much in casual conversation.

She didn't tell me where she lived verbally, instead only hitting my arm and pointing. Silently I laughed. It seemed Bella didn't want to ruin the magic of the ride with words either.

As we pulled up into her driveway she laughed happily one last time. "Wow I have to get one of these things!"

"Do you think you'd manage not to crash?" I asked before I could help it. _Dammit. _

Her face fell with that. "Oh yeah," she said with a grimace. She looked back up at me hopefully, her eyes large and pleading. "Will you take me again then? It was so much fun."

My breath hitched at the wide puppy dog eyes staring at me. Even had I not been willing, I would have done it. That stare was enough to make me give her anything. _Stop it Lucian. Just stop. She's not ready for whatever you have to offer._ I forced a casual smile. "Of course."

She grinned again. "Thanks." And with that she headed towards the house. I could only stare after her, marveling at the strange way she seemed to have complete control over me. She turned back around. "Well?" she asked. "Are you coming or not?"

I nodded, jostling myself out of my thoughts. "Sorry. Spaced out there for a moment." And with that I followed her into the house.

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EPOV

The days went by like they always did. The rest of my family continued with their lives and I sat in my room, stuck in my past. Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmet went to school and Carlisle went to work. Esme stayed home but was careful not to approach my room. My kind and loving mother even tried her hardest to keep her thoughts away from any subject concerning Bella or me. She knew it would only cause me more pain.

The days drifted by, one morning fading into another night endlessly. My pain consumed me and in a way I welcomed it. I deserved this. I deserved to feel my regret. I deserved this self-loathing. I would never have a day when I could feel like this and know it was my own damn fault.

And then one day, everything changed.

It was late in the evening. Jasper and Emmett had gone hunting. I had refused their offer to join, knowing I could last a few more days before I needed it. Alice was in her room, trying to decide what she would wear the next day for school. Rosalie was playing with her makeup, trying to decide if the article in the magazine would really help make her eyes look 10 times bigger. I could hear Esme and Carlisle's gentle murmurs in the living room. And then I heard Alice gasp.

Images rushed through my mind. Jasper knocking a girl to the ground, sinking his teeth into her soft neck. Gulping wildly in ecstasy. Emmett racing frantically towards him, shouting "Jasper stop!"

Alice cried out. "Jasper no god please no!" I heard her rushing down the stairs and out the door. I sat for a moment, pained that Jasper had finally reached the inevitable. And then I shook myself and took off, hurrying after my sister.

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LPOV

As we walked into the house I had the feeling that I was headed towards something. I didn't know what, but something about this moment seemed significant.

An older man who looked to be in his late 40s was crossing the hall.

Bella smiled. "Abraham, this is Lucian. He's new to school. I wanted to bring him over so he could get to know the other people in his species around town."

Abraham walked over, his hand outstretched. "Lucian, welcome to our home and welcome to Westbrook. Are there any others with you?"

I shook my head. "No, it's just me. I haven't been able to find anyone else who has…our particular diet."

Abraham smiled kindly at me. "Well, then I'm doubly glad you have come to visit. You must not get many chances to socialize. Please, have a seat," he said, gesturing into the living room he had been about enter. "Macy, Aston, Micah, we have a visitor," he said, not bothering to raise his voice. "Come downstairs."

In an instant the three people I had met the day before we with us. I walked into the living room and they followed. I noticed where Bella sat on the couch and sat next to her, careful not to sit too close so as not raise any assumptions.

"Hi Lucian!" the girl called Macy waved at me like a little kid. I smiled back at her, instantly feeling at ease. She was so happy it was too hard to resist. I looked over and my smile vanished. Aston was glaring at me. What was it with this kid? I'd never met him before but he still looked at me like I had run over his cat. I returned his glare with a slight nod, trying not to glare back. I'd never dealt well with antipathy. I turned to Micah, who gave me a brief "hello," neither friendly like Macy nor pissy like Aston. Just reserved.

"I see you have already met my other children," Abraham continued. "Normally at this point I would ask you to tell me about yourself but I don't want to make them listen to something they already know. They can always fill me in later. So instead, is there anything you wish to know about us?

I frowned internally. There were so many things I wanted to ask, but Abraham's formality made me want to deny any curiosity. Then I grimaced. What would Bella think? Would she think I had no interest in her life or that or that of her family? No, that was the last thing I wanted. I decided to start with a safe question.

"Well," I began slowly. "Some of the vampires I have met in my travels seem to have special…talents, if you will. Is that the same with you? I personally have my own gifts, but im not sure if I'm abnormal for a vegetarian. When I came into my talent I was still…yeah….so I wasn't sure if it affected people of a different diet"

All of the sudden a tiny blue butterfly landed on my knee. I looked at it closely. No, not a butterfly, a fairy. Who looked exactly like Macy dressed in flower petals. I heard giggling and the fairy disappeared. I looked back up at Macy. She blew me a kiss and a pair of lips whirled about, met my cheek and disappeared.

"Macy, stop showing off." Bella rolled her eyes. "Macy's our resident illusionist, as you can see. She likes to try to impress people with her gift and it isn't very often she's given a new audience." Bella rolled her eyes.

"Micah here can see the bonds between people." She stopped suddenly, as if deciding against saying more. _Well that was a little odd…_

"What about you?" I turned to Bella.

She looked at me slyly. "Me? I read minds."

I felt my face go slack in shock and dismay. _Oh shit. She's heard everything. Oh shit oh shit oh shit._

Bella laughed again, that beautiful bell-like sound that made my heart soar. "Lucian, kidding! Jeez calm down. I was just messing with you. All I wanted was to see what your reaction would be."

"Oh." I looked around quickly, feeling embarrassed. The others seemed shocked at what I assumed was Bella's playfulness. That meant my theory was right. Bella was not usually so lighthearted. But wait. Did her laughter…did that mean…was it because I was here? I tried not to let myself continue with that thought. _Don't go there Lucian. Don't even think about it._

"So you don't have a gift?" I asked, trying to take the attention away from my discomfiture. Bella shook her head.

"No, I have one. It's like an intensification of what I had as a human. My ex was a mind reader, but he couldn't hear me." More shocked looks at Bella's mention of her former life. "I seem to be able to shut out other's people's powers. Last year we met a girl named Jane who was able to torture a person, make them feel like they were under the most excruciating pain imaginable." She cut of for a second muttering to herself, but I caught the words "evil little bitch." Bella continued. "She tortured my family. To this day I don't know why. Probably she was just an evil little sadist. But she hurt my family and I was the only one who wasn't floored by her talent. I killed her." She looked at me, seeming frightened as to what my reaction would be to such a revelation. I merely nodded, urging her to continue. I didn't judge her. If someone had hurt my family, if I ever had eve r had a family, I would kill them too. Bella seemed relieve at my answer but then huffed. "It seems like whenever a vampire has a talent, I negate it. I'm lucky that way. No one has an advantage with me." She smiled. "I guess that's why Alice never saw my change." She stopped short again, an angry expression twisting her face.

"and Alice is…" I trailed off cautiously, not wanting to set her off.

Bella shook her head again. "No one, its not important." She stood up. "I'm sorry Lucian, but I just remembered something I need to do. Will you be ok alone with my family for a while?" Surprised, I nodded.

She looked relieved. "Great. I'll be back in a little bit. I'm really sorry to leave, but don't worry. My family will keep you entertained. As long as Aston behaves himself." She shot him a warning glance to which his only reply was an innocent look of "Who? Me?"

She glanced back at me, flashing a quick smile. "I'll be back in a bit. Sorry to rush off."

I smiled at her, grateful she was apparently not angry with me. "Bells its fine. Go on, I'll be here when you get back."

She smiled again slightly. And turning around she left, leaving the scent of freesias in the air.

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EPOV

I followed Alice into the forest, stopping abruptly when she did. Ahead of us Emmett was wrestling Jasper to the ground. Jasper was snarling and fighting but Emmett merely held him pinned to the ground.

"Jasper!" I heard my sister cry in pain. "Jasper stop please!"

And with that, Jasper's growling ebbed. His resistance slowed, finally coming to a halt. Emmett eyed him warily, but released him.

Jasper stood up shakily. "Alice, I'm sorry," he whispered brokenly. "I am so, so damn sorry."

Alice hurled herself into his arms, murmuring words of comfort.

Behind them the girl was screaming, locked in the pain of the venom Jasper had inflicted.

"What has happened?" I head a voice behind me. I turned. Carlisle. He and Esme had seen us rush off and Carlisle had followed.

Emmett answered. "We were hunting and everything seemed to be fine. And then all of the sudden the wind changed and we smelled the blood. Apparently this girl had fallen in the woods, and was banged up pretty bad. Jasper went nuts." He looked at Carlisle pleadingly. "Carlisle you have to understand. We were in the middle of hunting! You know the frenzy that comes over!"

Carlisle nodded, smiling sadly. "I understand my son." He turned to Jasper. "Jasper, as much as I hate that this has happened, it has. There is nothing we can do about it now except wait for her transformation to end." the girl continued screaming, oblivious to our discussion. I winced a bit, sympathizing with that pain. I remembered all too well how it had felt. Carlisle continued. "My son, I don't want you to blame yourself. This kind of slip up could happen to any one of us. This girl will join our family, and you need to look at it as nothing but a chance to gain a new sister."

Jasper still hadn't looked at him. I didn't need to read his mind to know the guilt he felt. I wanted to say something but I couldn't. only Alice would help to heal this new wound.

Carlisle turned to me. "Edward, will you please take the child? We can put her on your couch." I growled to myself. I knew why he asked me. If she was in my room there was no place private that I could mourn.

I glared at him but walked over to the girl writhing in pain. Instantly I stiffened. This girl looked so much like Bella it was unreal. Her hair was the same, her body was the same, even her eyes, when they slit open were the same as my lost love's.

I turned away, not wanting this new reminder, but her voice stopped me.

"please," she groaned. "Please just make it stop."

That voice held too much pain for me not to respond. Turning around again I lifted her into my arms and carried her back to the house.

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EPOV still

I sat with her in my room, wishing I could help her. She reminded me so much of Bella I would do anything to stop her pain.

For three days I watched her writhe in agony, desperately wishing I fix it. On the third day, I heard her heart sputter and stop. I watched her lie there panting afterwards, and then she opened her eyes and sat up.

She looked at me. She was so achingly beautiful, the way I always imagined Bella to be if I had allowed her into this life.

"W…where am I?" she whispered.

"You're safe," I answered. "Things have happened to you, things you might never be ok with, but what you need to know is that no one here will harm you. That's the most important thing for you to understand first."

Her hand flew to her throat. "My throat hurts" she whispered.

I felt her pain. Her thoughts were erratic. _What's going on? Where's Papa? Who is this guy? Oh god, what am I DOING here? Was I raped?_

I winced at the onslaught of her agonized internal questions. "let's start out easy ok?" I asked. She nodded hesitantly. "What's your name?"

"Mirabella," she replied softly. I gasped at the new onset of pain at the memory of Bella's name. "But most people just call me" _please don't say Bella, god please anything but Bella._ "Marie." I sighed in relief and forced a smile.

"Marie, I'm Edward. It's a pleasure to meet you." I laughed a bit at the inappropriateness of my statement. Surprisingly, Marie smiled.

"Hello," she said. But then her smile faltered. "Edward, what's happened to me?"

I took a deep breath. " I don't know an easy way to say this, so I don't know what to do but put it bluntly. You were in the woods and you were attacked. Fortunately we were able to stop your attacker before you died. But there's something you need to know." Marie looked up expectantly. " The person who attacked you wasn't human. He was a vampire. And because we stopped him from killing you you were changed too."

She looked at me, emotions flitting across her face. Incredulous, skeptical, disbelieving. I pushed on. "I know this is hard to believe but it's true. We are so sorry that this has happened."

She shook her head in denial. "I don't believe you, " she cried, beating her fists painfully into my chest. It hurt, but I allowed her to let her rage out on me. "Vampires don't exist! They aren't real! Why are you saying these things?"

"Marie, look around you," I urged, finally catching her hands and forcing her to look at me. "Doesn't everything feel differently? Your sight is sharper, your hearing is clearer , and your sense of smell has increased a hundredfold. Even your movements are faster!"

She stopped struggling gradually and whimpered. "No," she whispered. "this cant be happening. This is a dream. I'll wake up and I'll be at home with Papa and my friends."

I didn't know what to say. I had never dealt with this situation before. When my family had been turned one by one I had left. I didn't want them to be overwhelmed by a multitude of people. This was my first experience with a newborn and I wasn't sure how to go about it.

Stupidly I whispered the only thing I could think to say. "I'm sorry."

Marie looked at me, her face crumpling, and then she crashed into me, wrapping her arms around my waist and began to sob. then she uttered the only thing possible to permanently drive me out of my own self-exile.

"Don't leave me," she whispered against my chest. "I'm so confused. I'm so scared. Please don't leave me alone."

And with that simple request, suddenly I found a reason to live again. Never again would I leave a person broken.

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BPOV

I ran for hours, for once missing the trees in my path. At some point I crossed the Canadian border but I didn't pay it much mind. My head and heart were screaming too loudly to pay attention to the details.

_Why?_ I screamed to myself._ Why am I reliving my pain? I gave myself one day a year so I wouldn't have to feel like this. Why is this happening to me? God do you hate me? Do I truly have no soul and this is your way of punishing me on earth before my existence is ended? I never fucking asked for this. Fuck you God. Stop screwing with my life._

And with that a bolt of lightening shot through the air and a clap of thunder boomed. I halted, skidding to a stop. A coincidence I knew, but it still shook me. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I didn't mean it. But I just feel so lost…"

I sat there for a while, but no sign came after the lightning. I looked up to the sky. Black with rolling clouds. I smelled the rain in the wind. Maybe just a chance happening after all.

I continued to wander through the woods just outside the border, lost in my thoughts. Why was this new vampire so different? I had met other vampires, had even killed them, but none of them had ever caused this kind of pain. No other vampire had forced me to relive my life. I shook my head and snorted. Wait. Forced wasn't the right word. He hadn't made me do anything. I had opened up willingly to him, for once forgetting the pain it would cause me. Since he had entered my life I had let myself remember all the pain, agony, and hatred I had lived through in my 86 years.

For a moment I wanted to hate him. I wanted to run back to my house where I knew he was and rip his head off his shoulders and dance around the flames as I watched his ashes burn. He couldn't do this to me. I had been working so hard to put my pain away in a little box and then he had casually sauntered in my life and opened that box without permission. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to make him suffer the way I had been suffering. I wanted to…I wanted…I…

My anger faded, leaving me breathing heavily. Gradually my mid cleared and I began to function outside of my rage. _ See?_ A little voice whispered. _This is why you don't think about it. You can't control yourself. What would you have done had you let your anger out in front of him. You could have killed him,_

_No!_ I screamed to the voice. _I would never! He's my friend! _The rain had begun, pelting my head and shoulders. I sank to my knees, oblivious of the mud that immediately encased them . _I will not let the rage engulf me again. He is my friend._

And with the wind tearing at me, the thunder booming, and the rain assaulting me, I made a new vow. Once a year to mourn wasn't working. It was time to forget completely. I was done for forever.

**A/N: So…hit or miss? What do you guys think? Please review!**


	8. please dont hate me for this

**A/N: So as you might have read in my last author's note, I'm holding my story hostage. The ransom is a certain number of reviews. I'll start off easy, and we'll go from there. Right now, let's say…6. I get 6 reviews and you will get my story back. **

**And I just want to point out one other thing. I didn't do any research as to the weather in Westbrook, Maine. I'm just using it as an inside joke for myself. But in case the weather there is usually quite sunny, just humor me and pretend that in a world where vampires and werewolves exist, Westbrook is rainy and cloudy. **

**So there you go. I'll stop talking now and let you guys read the story. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. If I did, my name would be Stephanie Meyer (which it isn't) and you'd be reading this in a book instead of online (which you aren't)**

LPOV

Bella came back a little after midnight soaking wet and covered in mud.

"Jesus Bella what were you doing?" Macy cried in dismay.

Aston piped up. "You didn't tell me there'd be mud wrestling. I would have come to watch."

Bella just glared at him as Micah told Aston to shut up.

I looked at Bella, studying her. She was filthy and her hair, where it wasn't plastered to her face, was messy and windblown. If it were possible, she seemed even more beautiful than ever. Her clothes clung wetly to her body, highlighting her figure.

_What the hell is wrong with me? She looks like hell and I … like it? You're a pig Lucian. You have no idea where she's been or if she's hurt, and all you can think about it that she looks sexy. Grow up._

Finally I spoke. "Bells…are you ok? Where have you been? You're not hurt are you?"

But even as I said the words I knew she was ok. Something seemed different about her. She seemed more relaxed, as if she had finally managed to shift the burden on her shoulders a little.

Bella gave me a small smile. "I'm fine." She answered. "I was just getting a new grip on things."

I frowned. What was that supposed to mean?

She continued. "I really need to take a shower and get changed. Will you be ok for just a little while longer?"

I laughed. "Would it really matter if I said no? Go on. You need it."

In truth, I didn't really mind. After Bella had left earlier that day I had gotten to know her family fairly well, and didn't regret the time I had spent with them. They were all just so…nice. I hadn't had many interactions with others of my kind, but the ones I did weren't exactly pleasant. I had developed the idea that vampires were a violent and angry sort of species. They reminded me of alligators. Leave them alone and you'll be fine, but come anywhere near them and they'll try to rip you apart. Not exactly the cuddliest type of animal. But the O'Shannons were different. They didn't seem to want to kill each other. There was no snarling, snapping, or threatening. Even Macy and Aston's bickering reminded me of two siblings. This was a family, not a coven.

I'd only met them a few hours ago but I felt I knew them fairly well. Abraham was the oldest, but still only a few decades older than me. He was a lawyer, practicing in a small firm in Portland. From the size of this house I assumed he was pretty damn good. Macy I couldn't help but like. She seemed like such a little kid I couldn't help it. She bounced around, giggled, and seemed to take a lighthearted view on everything. Micah was reserved but not unkind. In a way he reminded me of Bella. Shadows would pass in his eyes and every now and then I would see a slight grimace of pain. Something had happened to him. Aston, on the other had, was a bit of a jerk. After spending time with him though I didn't think he had anything against me personally. He was just territorial. Perversely, I liked him more after I figured that out. He may not like me but I respected him for wanting to protect his family. The people here were different from anyone id ever met in all my years. For the first time, I wished I had a family too.

Bella's voice interrupted me from my reverie.

"OK then, just let me get cleaned up and I'll be back."

She smiled at me again, making my dead heart flutter and turned back to the stairs.

"She seems different," Micah murmured. So I wasn't the only one to notice it. I looked at him questioningly. He continued. "She seems…happier."

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BPOV

As the water rushed around me I felt more relaxed than I could ever remember. And maybe even a little….happy? Was that the word? It had been so long since I had felt that feeling that I was unsure of it now.

Happy.

I let the word swirl around my mind, cautiously tasting it like a wine connoisseur given a new vintage. Happy. Yes, I believed that's what it was. A small part of my emotions had broken through the barrier I had put up, and finally allowed myself to experience something other than hate or pain.

I really should have tried pushing my past away sooner. My memories had consumed me for over half a century. After my decision to let go, I could finally begin living my life again or for the first time, depending on which life you wanted to refer to. I wasn't completely healed, that would be too much to ask. But I could feel myself begin the process.

I shut the shower off and toweled down. I wrapped myself in a robe and headed back to my room.

Macy was waiting for me. I should have been surprised, but I wasn't. I knew Macy, and given everything that had happened the last few days, part of me was expecting this.

Macy didn't disappoint me either. She plunged right in, as was her nature.

"So, what do you think?"

I laughed. "About what Macy? And don't you think this could wait until I got dressed?"

"Nope. And besides, I've seen you naked before, and honey, I don't really care. And stop playing dumb, Bellsie. You know what I mean."

"You mean, what do I think about having you in my room while I undress? Well…I'm a little hurt that you feel nothing for my naked body but don't worry. I'll get over it."

"Oh shut up Bella, I'm being serious!. And just so you know, I'm not a lesbian and you're my sister. That would be wrong on so many levels." I smiled, hoping she would go on with her little rant and forget what she was doing here.

But for once, Macy stayed with the moment. She continued. "But that's not the point. If you insist on being so intentionally stupid, I'll spell it out. There's a new vampire in town, you guys have some freaky connection according to Micah, and you guys apparently get along pretty well. It goes without saying that he's good looking. So. What. Do. You. Think?"

I sighed. "Mace, I don't know. He's nice. I like him. We're friends."

She groaned. "Bella, he's good looking, you're good looking. Don't you think there could be something more than friends?"

I frowned at her. Why does everyone assume that just because two vampires meet and like each other it meant that they had to fall in love and live happily ever after? I resorted to my question I had asked Katie yesterday. "What about you Macy? You're not bad looking either. Why don't you try for something?"

Her face fell a bit. Damn. I didn't mean to bring up her lack of love life. "I do want to find someone, but I just don't think I'd fall for someone who has such an obvious click with my sister." But then she brightened again and shook her head. " Besides. He's not my type. I don't go for the blonde surfer look."

"And I do?" A memory flashed through my mind. A memory of copper colored hair in permanent disarray. _Push it away Bella, just push it away._

"That's my point! You've been so standoffish there's no way you could have a type. You need to find someone!"

I sighed. "it's not that easy Mace. I do want to find someone, but I just don't think I'm ready. Hell, I've only decided to let go today."

She looked smug. "I knew there was something different about you. You didn't seem as pissed of with life as usual. I was just hoping it had something to do with a certain boy downstairs.

Downstairs. Vampire hearing. Shit. "Macy we shouldn't even be talking about this here."

"Oh relax. I put on a movie and made sure the volume was up high. Lots of explosions and yelling. Even if they could hear anything they're guys. They're way too wrapped up to pay attention."

I finally gave in. "OK Macy I admit it. He's good looking. And yes there's a certain chemistry there. But I just don't think I'm ready."

Macy rolled her eyes, a habit she had picked up from me, the way I had picked it up from Edward. "OK fine Isabella O'Shannon. But don't just push him away. Take your time and get to know him. You should be in love, you seem like the type that would do really well with it."

I smiled at her, thankful she seemed to be wrapping her little sermon up. "I'll give it a shot."

"Good." She headed towards the door but looked back. "Bella, you know I love you, right?"

"I know sweetie. I love you too. Now get out."

She smiled and shut the door behind her.

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Macy's POV

I left Bella's room lost in thought. Bella was such a great person. She deserved to be happy. I knew her almost as well as I knew myself, and I knew who she could be if she could just heal. But getting her to open up was like pulling teeth.

Suddenly an idea came to me, and I couldn't help the impish grin that came to my face. I knew everyone thought I was sweet and innocent. I couldn't really blame them. I was so damn cute of course that's the impression I gave. But what people didn't realize is that when you are this cute, it makes it easier to do something, without people seeing it coming. On occasion, I could be quite sneaky.

I laughed to myself, delighted with my new plan.

"Hey Abraham!" I called as I ran down the stairs. "Can I talk to you?"

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BPOV

I finished dressing and squeezed most of the water out of my hair. At the last minute I added a bit of lip-gloss. I took one last look at myself in the mirror, changed my mind again and wiped the lip-gloss off, and headed down the stairs.

As I walked into the living room, I saw that Macy hadn't been exaggerating. The boys were all completely absorbed in the movie. Aston offered me a distracted "Hey Bella" as I crossed the room but that was all. I sat down on the couch next to Lucian, careful to sit on the other end. He finally turned to look at me.

"Hey you," he said with a smile. "You're all clean again."

I laughed. "Yeah I don't even want to think about what I looked like before."

He shifted towards me subtly. "I didn't say you had looked bad."

I stared at him, a little hesitant. What did that mean? Did I even want to know?

A voice shook me from my stare. "Everyone! I need to speak with you." Abraham walked into the room, Macy close on his heels. "Micah shut that off please." I heard a click and the sound of gunfire stopped instantly.

Abraham turned to the couch where Lucian and I were sitting. "Lucian, I mostly wanted to speak with you but as it involves all of us so I wanted the rest of the family to be present."

I was a little worried. What was going on?

"I understand that you are living alone. This would be hard for anyone, but I believe it is doubly so for you because you don't have to sleep. So if you would like, please feel free to make your home with us, here."

I gaped at him, shocked. In the 70 years I had been with the O'Shannons Abraham had never offered his home to anyone. I always thought I would be the last new member. Then I looked over to Macy. She had this smug little smile on her face. She looked right back at me and winked. So that was it. She had decided that I wouldn't do anything on my own, so she was taking matters into her own hands. I glared at her.

"Um…thank you," Lucian sounded just as stunned as I had been before remembering a certain red haired little demon. "But don't you think….don't you think that it's a little soon? I mean, I've only met you today."

Abraham hesitated and glanced back to Macy who nodded vigorously. "Well, it may be early, but my family feels very comfortable with you and as you feed as we do, it is inevitable that we would be spending a great deal of time with you anyways. And no one should have to live alone. IF the situation becomes difficult, we can find an alternative arrangement in the future."

I looked back to Lucian. He still seemed bewildered, but I thought I saw a gleam of happiness in his eyes. He nodded. "Thank you Abraham. I would like very much to stay."

Inwardly I groaned. So much for taking my time.

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EPOV

"Edward!" I turned in time to see a flash of pale skin and chocolate colored hair before it bounded onto my couch where I was currently reading.

I smiled and set down my book. "Hello Mira. To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Mira giggled and readjusted herself on the bed so she no longer crouched at the corner. He knee came to rest on mind and I tried not to notice. If I pushed it away she would be hurt.

"Would you go hunting with me? I'm starving. I know you just went, but everyone else is busy and I don't wanna go alone.

Mira had been with us for the last few years and had adjusted to this new life with amazing speed. She was still a little afraid of Jasper, but I couldn't fault her for that. It must be strange living in the same house as someone who had tried to kill you. Alice didn't really like her that much. I knew that she resented her presence, mostly because she didn't want a replacement for Bella. Emmett didn't joke with her or tease her the same way he had Bella, but he wasn't unkind to her either. Rosalie mostly ignored her. Mira didn't cause problems or generally take the spotlight so there wasn't much she could do. But every now and then I caught flashes in her mine. _She's no Bell. Bella wouldn't have put up with that. I hope Edward isn't trying to find a new Bella. _and so on. It surprised me. Rosalie had never cared much for Bella, so the fact that she didn't think Mira was as good was little strange. Carlisle and Esme on the other hand, absolutely adored her. They truly looked at her as another daughter, and Mira had even taken to calling them Mama and Papa.

And me? Where did I come into all of this? I still wasn't sure. Mira was sweet, happy, and beautiful. I would never be able to repay her for finally ridding me of my self-induced stupor. We had a definite connection, but I wasn't sure what it meant. As great as this girl was and as much as she reminded me of my lost love, she still wasn't Bella. Occasionally I caught her stealing glances at me and I could hear her thoughts. She cared for me, that I knew. But I wasn't sure she could ever be anything more to me than my little sister. Maybe I was wrong. But I didn't think that I was ready to find out. We were close friends and for the moment that's where I wanted to leave it.

I smiled at her. "I suppose I could find the time…."

She pouted a little, her face puckering. I wondered vaguely if she knew how adorable it was and used it to her advantage.

I laughed. "Very well," I said getting up. "let's go."

As we hunted I couldn't help but watch her. She was graceful, there was no doubt of that. I had a hunch that had I ever brought myself to turn Bella she would still retain that clumsiness that had been so essential to her.

Mira bounded back to me. "Aren't you gonna hunt?"

"I only came to keep you company. I'm fine for now." Truth be told I still preferred to hunt on my own. The feeling of running, wind rushing past me as I narrowed in on my prey was the only time I truly felt alone to think. I might be out of my isolation, but I still thought of Bella constantly. And I preferred to do it in a place where everyone else's thoughts weren't intruding on my own. Especially Mira's. Somehow it felt wrong to be thinking of Bella when I could hear Mira's thoughts wanting me.

I knew it had been in her mind to approach me a couple of times, but I always saw it coming. Normally I hated my gift but times like that I was grateful that I knew what people were planning. It gave me a chance to avoid it in a way that I didn't come off as rude.

"Oh" was all Mira said. I could hear her thoughts trying to figure out a way to convince me. Apparently she enjoyed watching me with my kill. I never understood that. The thought of watching Bella hunt filled me with a deep anxiety for some unknown reason. I dint like to watch anyone take pleasure in killing, though I knew I was being a hypocrite.

Mira decided against pressing it. As we walked home I couldn't help my thoughts. Bella had wanted to be changed but I knew that if she were she would miss the life she left behind. Mira didn't seem to be bothered by it at all. The thought made me a little uncomfortable. Was she really that heartless?

"Mira?" I started. She looked at me questioningly. "Do you ever miss your parents?"

She frowned in confusion. "Well yeah, but I mean, we'll see them in a few minutes. I can last that long."

She truly thought of this family as hers. I was a little touched but pushed on.

"No, I mean your real parents. They must have been really worried about you when you never came home."

Her face cleared, and a thoughtful look came into her eyes. "I don't know. I mean, I I've never really thought about it." Not thought about it? I felt a little sick.

She saw my expression and hastened to explain. "I didn't mean it like that Edward. It's just…this is my life now. I live in the moment. If thinking about the past makes me sad I wont think about it. I want to be happy, and I cant do that if I'm wallowing in memories."

Huh. I turned the thought over in my mind. Was that what I had been doing? Wallowing in memories so that I missed the present? I already knew that's what I had done but the way Mira put it made it seem ridiculous. Was I ridiculous?

Mira didn't seem to notice my distraction. "Come on," she said, hitting my chest. "Race you."

As we ran back to the house I tried to do what she did. I focused on nothing but the feel of the wind in my hair and the trees rushing by me. And for the first time since I had lost Bella I enjoyed it. It was a relief to know I could feel something besides regret and pain.

When we approached the house I slowed my steps allowing Mira to win. I wanted to make her happy for the small gift she had just given me. When we entered I was surprised to see my family gathered in the kitchen. Alice looked excited.

"What's going on?" I asked as we approached.

Carlisle looked at me. "Edward we've been here for several years. You kids have just graduated and I've been offered a promotion. If I take it, it will be very hard to find a way to move. So we're leaving. We'll start moving out tonight, and have everything shipped at the end of the week. Will that be fine with you?"

I looked at Mira. She didn't seem to mind leaving her hometown, and so I guess I shouldn't either.

I nodded. "That's fine Carlisle. Where are we going?"

"I've already been offered a position in Portland, Maine. We're moving to a town called Westbrook.

I nodded again, mulling the word over in my mind. Westbrook. I liked the way it sounded. Maybe there I could finally find a way to live in the moment and forget the past.

**A/N: Dun dun dun! I think we all know what's finally going to happen. And just so we're all clear, the ransom for the next story is 6 reviews. Give me 6 and I'll give you a new chapter.**

**Kisses!**


	9. broken bubbles revised

**A/N: so here it is, the hostage chapter. While I got some pretty harsh reviews for doing it, I couldn't help but be delighted with all the reviews! You guys way exceeded my expectations. And Livsmom, thank you so much for your email. It made me feel a lot better. I was feeling pretty low at the moment.**

**PS sorry this isnt a new chapter. I saw so many ways i could improve this one i just had to delete the original  
**

**So yeah. I hate to tell you this guys but I'm holding my story ransom again, this time for 10 reviews. I know this seems a bit excessive, but I got more than that asking for 6 so I know you can do it. Besides, you'll have way more time. I wont be able to update until Tuesday night. 2 papers and 2 finals to go, and I will be all yours, and probably will be updating nightly because I'll have nothing to do better till summer school. And please, this time, no flames for the extortion. It's not nice. If you don't like it, don't review. Simple as that.**

**So…here is your reward for being so nice to me. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: One morning after I spent the night fighting with my boyfriend i woke up to see him hovering over my bed trying to wake me up. he had a glass of chocolate milk and a copy of the twilight movie with him as an apology. this was enough to make me forgive him. know why? cuz i dont own twilight, so he gave me a the second to next best thing. the first would have been the book but he had already bought me that. i don't own twilight but thanks to a wonderful boyfriend i do own a copy of the movie  
**

The rest of the week passed by in a blur. Lucian had moved into our home and Macy had apparently thought it was necessary to tell him he could share my room. When I had confronted her about it she had merely shrugged innocently and said I had so much room in my closet it only made sense. And besides its not like we would actually be sleeping so it wasn't inappropriate or anything. Inappropriate no, invasive and embarrassing yes. I liked my personal bubble. But God forbid Macy take a little thing like that into account. I knew what she was doing, and it bugged the hell out of me.

I wasn't sure what I thought of Lucian. I knew I liked him. He was so fun to be around and we clicked so well, how could I not? But I wasn't sure I was ready for a complete invasion of my privacy. I didn't even know him that well yet. He could be a burping-the-ABCs, toenail-clipping-in-the-bed, "that's-what-she-said" kind of guy for all I knew. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I guess. Once you get to know the person and like them despite of their flaws, that is. But I just wished I could have gotten to know him and discover those flaws on my own, not have them shoved into my consciousness.

But anyways, it was done now. Lucian had sold his house, with the help of Abraham's many contacts. Being a lawyer did have its perks. I found it amusing how it was always easier to get around the law if you had taken an oath to uphold it. It had been picked up amazingly quickly, too. Apparently some doctor had bought it without even looking at it. Needed to move in hurry, had a big family, couldn't wait, and all that. I wasn't really interested except I was happy that it wasn't going to make our lives more complicated with a long drawn out negotiation.

I had volunteered Aston and myself to help Lucian move out. I of course was doing it out of friendship, but Aston was doing it because he knew that if he didn't, I'd make his life hell. Besides, if he was going to be living with Lucian, Aston better start getting used to being around him and treating him like family. This was good practice for him. I ignored Aston's glares as we had walked about through Lucian's home.

"Wow, " I said. "It's so big." _Oh god please don't say that's what she said. If he does, I'm out of here and he is not taking my room, Macy be damned._

He didn't though, much to my relief. Instead he smiled. "Yeah, I guess it is. It was always too big though. I never liked it much."

My face frowned in confusion. "So then..why did you buy it?"

"It was the only one available. The only once that wasn't in the middle of a neighborhood that is."

"But…this place is huge. How could you afford it?"

Lucian had merely smiled and turned away. I supposed he was happier not telling me so I let it go. I guessed he didn't want to tell me and that was fine. If he wasn't comfortable saying then who knew if I would be comfortable hearing?

As we wandered through the rooms, I was lost in thought. If my home reminded me of the Cullen's then I must have been blind. This house was almost exactly like it. Not in every detail of course. A window was missing from one of the walls and the kitchen was on the wrong side. But for the most part, I could feel my old life in here. Lucian and Aston were packing up things; I could hear the rustle of clothing being put into bags. I ignored them as I slowly walked up the stairs. I paused at the second floor and then turned to one of the rooms at the end of the hall. If it were the Cullen's house, this would have been his room. I opened the door and walked in without hesitation. Clearly Lucian wasn't staying in this room; it hadn't been touched in years. A fine layer of dust coated the wooden floor, and i left footprints in it as I made my way to the window. The view was breathtaking. From here I could see the river and vaguely wondered if flooding was ever a problem. Somehow I doubted it. No river would dare over flood here and take away such a pretty view. I don't know how long I stood there, just watching the river but suddenly I heard a voice calling me.

"Bells! Where are you? You were supposed to help me pack, remember?"

Whoops. "Sorry! Coming!" I headed downstairs.

"It's about time" Aston grumbled.

"Sorry. I'm here now though."

Lucian just laughed. "Actually, Bells, this is the last of it. You can help us take it to the car if it makes you feel better."

"Oh," I felt chagrined. "I'm sorry."

Lucian shrugged. "it's not a big deal. I still had help." Aston rolled his eyes and grumbled.

We walked out to the car, loaded the last of things and drove away. I couldn't help looking back in the rearview mirror. The house seemed sad in a way, now that it was empty. It seemed like it was lonely.

I looked over to Lucian. "So are you sad?

"What?"

"To be leaving. Are you sad?"

He grinned and grabbed my hand. "Nah Bells. I'm anything but sad."

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EPOV

"We're here! We're here!" Alice squealed happily, jumping up and down in her seat.

I rolled my eyes. I loved my sister, but for the life of me I couldn't understand why she was so excited about a new house. We'd already been to so many.

Jasper smiled and ruffled Alice's hair, a look of love in his eyes. Given that image, I couldn't help but think that were I in his place and Bella was in Alice's, I would have been more than happy to indulge her excitement.

Mira sat quietly, seeming unsure about her first new home. I nudged her. "Cheer up," I whispered. "It wont be so bad in a few days. You might even like the new school."

She smiled weakly, nodded, and got out of the car. I followed but while she immediately headed inside, I paused and leaned against the car, taking the whole view in. It was nice, I had to give Carlisle that. In a way it reminded me of the old Forks house. Where I used to stay with Bella. _Knock it off_ a voice whispered in my head. _You can't keep thinking like that._ _You might not be able to get over her but the rest of the family needs to, and that won't happen if you keep pouting like the damn Romeo you wish you were!_ I winced. It would have been nice to be Romeo. At least he had died knowing Juliet still loved him.

_See that's exactly the kind of thinking you promised you'd stay away from. Stop it and get your butt inside and start trying to be happy._

I sighed, shaking my head but agreed. I headed to the house, trying my best to stop wallowing.

I walked in, and the scent hit me vaguely. With my thoughts so focused on my lost love I wouldn't have put it past myself to begin imagining things. I started up the stairs, heading towards the only room that apparently hadn't already been claimed. It was in the same place as my room in Forks. I opened the door and the scent hit me full force. Freesias. This wasn't my imagination. There was no way. I looked around, and noticed the footprints along the dusty floor.

Bella?

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BPOV

I loved the weekend. Especially when it was sunny. I could wander outside, my skin sparkling, and not have to feel guilty that I was missing school. As much as I hated the damn place, I was still a teenager in a way and the rules were that teenagers had to go to school. Charlie had forever left his mark on my way of thinking.

I wandered through the woods, merely enjoying being by myself without obligations. I must have walked for hours, steadily at a human pace. It didn't hurt when I crashed into the trees, but I felt so irritated with myself I rarely took advantage of the powers I had been granted as a vampire. Not that they did me much good. In so many ways I still felt human. Suddenly I came across a clearing and actually gasped in awe. The grass…the flowers... the way the fluff and leaves danced in the wind…it was beautiful. I moved forward unable to help myself, stopping when I was in the middle of the clearing.

I sat down slowly, entranced with the view. Without meaning to, I slowly laid down, shutting my eyes against the sun and relaxing. As a rare indulgence I allowed myself to remember another clearing, a million years ago.

_I reached the edge of the pool of light and stepped through the last fringe of ferns into the loveliest place I had ever seen. The sun was directly overhead, filling the circle with a haze of buttery sunshine. I halfway turned , wanting to share this with him, but he wasn't behind me where I thought he'd be. I spun around, searching for him with sudden alarm. (_**A/N: yes that is taken from twilight. don't sue me please.)**

"Bella!" I heard Lucian's voice and opened my eyes, sitting up.

"Lucian!" I said, feeling strangely annoyed to be interrupted yet happy that I had been. "What are you doing here?"

He waited until he was near enough to sit down next to me. "I followed your scent," he said sheepishly. "I'm sorry. It was probably rude, but I needed to talk to you. When I knew you were going to be alone, away from anyone hearing, I kinda jumped at the chance."

I hesitated, not sure I was liking where this was going, but what else could I do except ask? " Well, we're alone now. What is it?"

He hesitated, strangely not as confident as he usually was. Then a look of fierce determination came into his eyes, and he suddenly brought his face close to mine and cupped my cheek gently, our noses almost touching. "Here's the thing…" he began slowly, as his thumb traced my cheekbone, almost feather-soft in the lightness. I merely waited, praying this wasn't happening. "Ever since we met, I haven't been able to get you out of my thoughts. When you're not around, I can't help but obsess as to what you're doing. When you're with me, I feel like singing. I want to wrap you in my arms and never let you go. Bella, I have never met someone like you before, but I think that's because there _is_ no one like you. You completely and utterly captivate me. And I don't want to be the only one feeling like that."

I sat there stupidly, unsure just how to handle this. Lucian saw my hesitation and moved forward, not quite touching my lips but close enough that I could feel the cold that radiated from his lips. If I even tried to adjust my position they would touch, and he would be kissing me. I didn't know how I would react to that.

He took my uncertainty as not a complete rejection and moved in slowly, his eyes pleading for permission. _It'll be ok_, I thought wildly to myself. _It's just one kiss and I care about him and he's so nice and…NO!_ I couldn't do this yet. At the last moment I turned my head and his lips hit my cheek.

We both sat there, still as statues for a few moments. Finally I pulled back, unable to look in his eyes. I'm so sorry, Lucian," I whispered, staring at the ground. "I just can't. I'm not ready."

He sighed and pulled away, staring at the ground the way I was. "It's fine Bella. I understand. I should have known better than to rush things." He seemed to be battling some internal demon. How I longed to help him. But I couldn't. Not with what had just happened. We sat in silence for almost 5 minutes, him lost in his thoughts and me feeling wretched for hurting him. Finally he turned to me, a small smile playing on his lips. "Still friends?"

I smiled back at him, grateful that he didn't hate me. "Of course, Lucian," I said. I faltered. "I'm not saying it won't ever happen. I just need time. I care about you, I really do. I've been happier than I've been in years, and it's all because I've met you. You've helped me begin to heal." i looked at him, my eyes pleading. "I just need to fully recover before I do anything. It wouldn't be fair to either of us."

Lucian nodded, his eyes tender. "I understand, Bella. If I need to wait, I can wait." He got to his feet and held a hand out to me. I took it and let him pull me up alongside him. He was still too close for comfort, but his grasp on my wrist held me in place.

"I promise I won't make a big deal about this" he said, looking into my eyes. "As long as you need time, I will give it to you. But you should know, I will always be waiting. Until then, however, just know that I want you to be happy, with or without me."

I took a deep breath, steadying myself. "Thank you," I told him as I finally backed away. "I really appreciate it."

He grinned. "So, still friends?"

"How could you even ask that? Of course. Even if I didn't want to how could I not be your friend when you're being so understanding?"

"We have time, Bells," he answered with a smile. "Still like me enough to walk back with me?"

I merely nodded, happy that he as taking it so well. He took my hand, not in a romantic way at all. Just two friends sharing an unspoken connection. We left the clearing and started making our way back home.

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True to his word, Lucian did not make things awkward. We easily slipped back into our friendly roles without even a moment's pause. We laughed, we joked, and we teased all weekend. It was like the almost kiss had never happened.

Except it had. I didn't know what to think about it except that I didn't want to think about it. Lucian seemed truly ok with that though. The entire weekend I never once felt pressured, didn't feel like he was trying to dazzle me, and there were no awkward pauses.

All weekend things felt like they were great. Lucian and I were great. It wasn't his fault Monday brought reality back, and my world came crashing down about me. Lucian played no part in that.

Lucian had decided to drive me to school as usual. He was waiting for me at the curbside. I ran towards him, stupidly deciding to head through the lawn as a shortcut. The ground slipped from underneath me and I fell to the grass with a muffled "oof." And suddenly I was covered in mud. _Of course it had to rain last night_ I thought resentfully, glaring at the sky.

"Bella!" I heard him exclaim as he walked towards me. I could hear the laughter in his voice that he was trying desperately to smother. For the hundredth time I was thankful I couldn't blush. This was humiliating. "Are you ok?"

"Nothing hurt but my pride," I grimaced as he helped me up. I looked to my legs. "Aw hell," I said. "I need to change. You go on. I'll just run to school."

"You sure Bells?" He looked concerned. "I can always wait."

I shook my head. "No, I don't want you to be late. Besides, I might even beat you there." He snorted. " Right Bella. If you say so."

I laughed. "Just go. Wait!" I called, remembering something. He turned back. "Remember! No speeding! I don't want you trying to beat me there if it means doing something stupid."

He rolled his eyes and chuckled but listened, heading back to his bike. "See you at school." and continued to the bike. We had made an agreement. Lucian had made me a promise he wouldn't speed unless it was on a backroad and no one was around. I didn't originally understand why he agreed but given our conversation in the meadow, I now had a pretty good idea.

I went back to the house and changed into a clean pair of jeans. _Friggin hell, could I not go one day without making an ass out of myself? _My thoughts were chagrined. Even as a vampire I couldn't seem to stay upright. I wanted a refund.

I dashed back out the door and ran to school. When I really put my mind to it I managed not to run into all the trees in the way (not all but certainly some). Poor trees. I really was sorry. But the moment my mind had anything else on it, I was floundering. You know the expression can't walk and chew gum at the same time? Yeah, that's me. Always has been, always will be.

I finally made it to school, slowing down at the edge of the parking lot. I walked at a normal speed towards the main building. I didn't see Lucian there. Either I was right and I had beat him or cheated and was already in class. I'd have to ask him about that.

That's when I heard a voice I had prayed I wouldn't have to hear for at least another 70 years.

"Alice, shut up. You're making her nervous."

I looked up and saw him. It really was him. Not just some hallucination my mind had conjured up.

Edward.

He was standing there, holding some girl's hand and glaring at Alice. Alice? Oh god, I had missed her. _But she left you too_ an angry voice hissed in my head. _None of them ever cared. But Edward was the only one who promised not to leave, remember? They might have found you amusing, but he's still the one who lied to you. _

I wanted to run. I wanted to run away, disappear, and never come back. I wanted to run up and smack him and the girl who's hand he was holding. And then another part of me just wanted to fall to the ground and weep. But I couldn't. For a second I couldn't even move. I could not lift one single muscle to do anything. Then I snapped out of it and steeled myself. I would not let him have such an effect on me. He would not have that kind of power over me. I had spent all these years refusing to run and I would be damned if I started now. So I did the only thing I could do. I started walking.

I headed towards him, keeping my eyes trained on his face the entire time. I must have been fifty feet away when he finally looked up and saw me. His eyes went wide with shock.

I didn't stop, I just kept walking towards him, and he just stood there motionless, his face frozen into stunned disbelief. I don't know if and how anyone else was reacting; I wasn't paying attention. All I was looking at were his eyes. I stared into them, showing him exactly what I thought of him being here, in my hometown. I poured everything I felt about him into my gaze, not once bothering to blink. He didn't want me? Fine. But he would not be allowed to think that I had forgotten everything he had told me.

I continued to look at him, never once breaking the stare. Whatever happened now, I would not back down from Edward fucking Cullen. When I was about 15 feet from him I ever so slightly adjusted the angle of my trajectory, walking to the school doors he stood in front of. I held his stare the whole time, even when I was within an inch of his shoulder and had to turn my head to keep looking at him. After I passed I let my gaze slide away to the girl he was with. I looked at her for a moment, raised my eyebrow, and continued.

"Bella?" I heard Alice whisper. I looked towards her and bared my teeth slightly, a low growl coming softly from my chest. She would not come near me. She would not dare. She stopped moving towards me immediately and I looked away, continued to the doors, and stepped inside. Not once during the whole episode had my stride changed. I had walked smoothly across the parking lot, looked Edward straight in the eye, growled at Alice and headed inside. Not once did I falter. Just like the way I had always prayed I wouldn't.

Maybe God loved me after all.

**A/N: so..hit or miss? Remember, 10 reviews and I will update Tuesday night, I really hope you guys do. Cuz I have such a great idea for the next chapter. So yeah. I hope I get the reviews. Who knows, if I get enough, maybe ill even break down and find a way to post tomorrow night. It all depends on you guys. So yeah. That was the new story. I really hope you guys like it. **

**Kisses! **


	10. facts and illusions revised

**A/N: Ok so heres the revised version. Im still not completely happy with it, but im impatient to get started on the next chapter **

**Finals are over! Finals are over! I think I screwed myself out of a magna cum laude award, but I don't care right now. All I care about is that I don't have to write anymore papers or take anymore tests until june, and then I will have officially graduated from college! Yay me!**

**Anyways. You guys don't care about that. But you do care about this story, so I want to say a few things. First, I apologize for asking for 10 reviews last time. I got them and then some, but it wasn't fair to you guys. I really am sorry, I was just so excited about all the reviews from the time before. So ive decided, even though I really want those reviews, I wont as for 10. Im gonna keep it at about 6 or 7, and just hope that I get more than that. I love you guys tho, every time I ask for reviews, you guys give them without hesitation, and that makes you all so freaking awesome.**

**And I want to say thank you for being so patient with the update. You have no idea how badly I wanted to post but the whole studying thing wouldn't let me. Thanks for understanding.**

**So that's it. This is a really long authors note I know, but im just so excited about being able to write without feeling guilty for neglecting my studies. So without further ado, here you go.**

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer may own Bella and Edward, but Lucian and Mira are all mine. Not quite as good, but it will do.**

EPOV

As Alice, Mira , and I got out of the car in the parking lot, I couldn't help the frown of distaste that crossed my features. High school. Hell on earth. Again. Lucky, lucky me. To be perfectly honest, I would have skipped it all together, staying away from all human contact in exchange for the freedom of the tediousness, but Mira needed me. I couldn't let her do this on her own.

"So, Mira, are you nervous?" Alice asked playfully.

Mira tried to shrug, but it looked more like a flinch.

Alice saw it and smirked. "Don't worry so much. After the first few weeks you won't even notice how everyone avoids you."

Mira looked even unhappier than before.

I was a little surprised myself. I had never known Alice to be intentionally cruel before. But then again, the only person outside our family she had ever been close to was Bella, and I knew she resented Mira's attachment to me.

I halted abruptly outside the doors, grabbing Mira's hand in support. Probably a bad idea, actually. I could hear Mira's sudden happy thoughts at my display of affection. I didn't mean to lead her on. But that could be dealt with later.

"Alice, shut up," I hissed. "You're making her nervous. Don't you remember your first time at school with us?"

Alice merely rolled her eyes but continued to stare at me. _Yeah, but I had Jasper,_ she thought angrily. _I had the love of my life to help me. I wasn't depending on some boy I was infatuated with . I had love, Edward._

I tried not to flinch at her angry thoughts. That wasn't fair. I continued to glare at her as the wind shifted, blowing hard from a new direction.

Freesias.

I stiffened and looked in the direction of the scent.

Oh god. This couldn't be real. She couldn't really be here. I truly had lost my mind.

Bella was stalking towards us, here eyes glinting. She looked different now. She was taller, her hair was longer, and she was paler. But she was still my Bella. I couldn't do anything. I was too stunned. I wanted to run to her and kiss her and never let go of her. But I couldn't. all I could do was stare. I wanted to move, but I couldn't force myself out of the trance she had me in.

She continued towards us, strangely graceful. Her eyes never left mine. And suddenly it hit me. The look of anger in her eyes, the cold fury that radiated out of every pore in her body. She hadn't forgotten that night in the forest.

_Oh god no. _

She glided by me, still not breaking eye contact. She craned her neck and looked up at me, closer to my body without touching it than should be humanly possible. Even with her so close, I couldn't shake myself out of my stupor to say anything or touch her. Finally she released me from her stare and looked at Mira. If it were possible, her eyes hardened even more. I dimly felt Mira's hand tighten on my own in fear. I heard Alice whisper her name and saw Bella snarl ever so lightly, and then she was gone. She had opened the doors and stepped through them without a backwards glance.

The pain ripped through me, worse that anything I had ever felt, and I lost connection with my thoughts. My hand loosened its grip on Mira's as I sank to my knees. I no longer seemed to have the strength to remain upright. Dimly I heard people calling my name, but I paid them no mind. All I could think of was Bella.

She hadn't died in the forest. Or better yet, she had died, but was still here. She was a vampire. I had left her to make sure that didn't happen, and it was because of me it had. She hadn't been killed that night. She had been changed and disappeared. And now she hated me. I could see that in her eyes. They weren't the eyes of the sweet and loving Bella that I used to hold in my arms at night. They were the eyes of the betrayed. There was a hardened look in them, as if she had long ago become used to the ever-present anger and pain and was resigned to it. I had left her, telling her I didn't want her, that she was nothing more than an amusement to me. How could life had been so cruel to her after what I had done? If she had died that night, at least she wouldn't have had to deal with that pain for long. But no, she had spent 68 years thinking that I had never loved her and that she had meant nothing to me. For 68 year she thought that she had fallen in love with someone who just wanted to humiliate her. For 68 years I had mourned her and loved her, while she had spent them hating me. 68 long, goddamn years.

_What have I done?_

In the distance I could here Alice on the phone. In the back of my mind I assumed it was Carlisle. I head the words "vampire," "shock," and "Bella."

Suddenly she was in front of me, shaking me. When I still remained unresponsive, she slapped me. The shock of my beloved little sister doing that was enough to jar me out of my catatonic state.

"Edward," she pleaded. "Listen to me! I have no idea what's going on, but we have to get to class. Bella's inside! We can't just ignore this!"

Mira said nothing, seeming confused and her thoughts were worried.

Slowly, I nodded. Alice was right. Bella was finally in my life again. I couldn't just let her go this time.

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BPOV

I sat in class feeling nothing. I was numb. Vaguely I wondered if I was in some sort of shock. Lucian hadn't been there to meet me outside the room, but I barely noticed, too wrapped up in my thoughts to give it much concern.

All I could thing about was him.

Why now? I knew I would have to see him eventually. With eternity ahead of us and so few vegetarian vampires, it had only been a matter of time. But I wasn't ready. I hadn't prepared myself for this. It was foolish of me, but I had allowed myself to slip into denial. And now look where I was.

I was aware of the bell ringing, but only barely. I cared nothing for my surroundings, all I cared about was getting through this day intact. As long as I didn't have any classes with hi-

A figure ran through the doors and I immediately stiffened. _Please god. Don't do this to me_. I bit back a grimace, but continued to stare straight ahead.

"I'm sorry I'm late," a voice said apologetically. I refused to look towards it. "I'm new here. My name is Edward Cullen. I'm afraid I got a bit lost. I managed not to snort, but only barely.

"of course," I heard Madame Schailie say a bit breathlessly. This time I couldn't help rolling my eyes. All humans were alike, fooled by a pretty face. So freaking gullible. Even I had been, I thought in distaste. The teacher continued. " You can sit over there, next to Bella. Bella, would you please raise your hand?"

I finally looked over in horror, realizing the one empty seat was next to mine. _This can't be happening._ Slowly, reluctantly, I raised my arm, still looking at the teacher. Not for the first time I wished I had a useful gift, like mind control or invisibility, or better yet, the ability to make someone drop dead where they were standing. But no, all I had was a defective brain.

Edward made his way towards me and slid into his seat. "Bella," I heard him whisper. I allowed myself to look at him, revulsion and hatred in my gaze. He flinched visibly, but still continued. "Please, can't we talk?"

My only response was to look away and ignore him. I heard him sigh. _Sorry to disappoint you Cullen, _I thought to myself._ But that only works once._

For the rest of the class I felt his stare on me. I noticed other people glancing nervously at us, unsure of the strange tension. I ignored them all. What did it matter what they thought? They'd be dead in another 70 years, and I'd still be here, stuck in this cycle of torment. Finally the bell rang. I gathered my things as quickly as 'humanly' possible, wanting to get away, when Edward slipped a sheet of paper on my desk. The words took up the entire page.

_Bella, _it began. I stopped reading. I rose from my seat taking the paper with me. I crumpled it up and threw it in the trashcan on my way out of the room. I took a vindictive sort of satisfaction knowing Edward had seen me do it.

As I headed out of the class, I saw two familiar figures. My eyes widened. Emmett and Jasper. They seemed just as stunned as I was. But Emmett was Emmett, and surprise had never taken him aback for long.

"Bella!" he exclaimed more happily than I could understand. But I didn't bother with that now. All that mattered was that he not get near me.

"No," I growled softly, my eyes flashing in anger.

Jasper reached out a hand to hold Emmett back, who just looked at back at him confused.

I didn't wait for it to be explained. All I knew was that I had to get out of here.

I rushed towards the main doors, typing on my phone as I did so.

_Macy, I have to leave. You know what to do._

Never before had I asked Macy to create an illusion for my own whim. The only time she ever created a replica of any of us was when it was sunny outside and we couldn't go to school. Those illusions couldn't talk of course, but everyone avoided us anyways and teachers never bothered to call on us. I had always refused to back down from my responsibilities, and I hated to give up now. But it was different steeling myself against the pain in my mind than someone there constantly reminding me of it. I should have been able to handle this better, but I couldn't. I just needed to get out.

I burst through the doors, and immediately the stifled feeling lessoned fractionally. I managed a brisk human pace across the parking lot, and then I took off. I ran faster than I had thought possible, for once unmindful of the trees I tore down. I would have to figure out a way to fix the trail later, but worst came to worse, Aston and Micah could take care of. They loved me enough to help me. My family loved me. People loved me. It didn't matter that he didn't. People loved me.

_People love me. I am worth loving. I am not worthless_

I made it home in record time, even for a vampire. I barreled through the door, immediately headed to my room, and threw myself on the bed. I heard the constant buzzing of my phone, irritating me. Though I knew it was probably Macy, I couldn't help the irrational rage I felt towards the tiny machine. Without pausing to think, I hurled the phone towards the window. It flew through without a pause, shattering the glass. I sat on my bed, taking a strange pleasure in the sound of destruction. It was like my heart. It had been shattered all those years ago, and now, when I had finally begun to heal, it had been destroyed again.

With a soft mewl of pain I lay down of the bed.

Why? Why had this happened now? I was still so fragile. I had just barely regained the strength to mend, and it had to be ripped away from me by a pair of gold eyes and penny colored hair. Why now? WHY FUCKING NOW?

I lay there, again feeling enraged and betrayed by God. Why couldn't he just let me be happy? What had I ever done to deserve this? I began to cry softly. At least I still had enough strength in me not to outright sob.

But I still cried. I cried for my broken heart, for my family, even for Edward. This wasn't how life was supposed to be. No one should have to endure this pain and anger for so long. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair.

I cried for hours. But finally, as the day came to an end, so did my sobs. Dusk came, and after that, twilight. Eventually I managed to move., making my way to the window seat, the same window that I had thrown my phone out of. The cushion was covered in glass but I ignored it. It's not like it could hurt me. I curled up in the window seat, hugging my knees to my chest, staring blankly out at the forest. I hated twilight. This might have been Edwards's favorite time of day, but I loathed it. Everything was gray and monotone, like it had been stripped of its color and life.

Kind of like me.

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EPOV

I watched as Bella threw my confession into the trashcan and the breath in my body was ripped away. She didn't want to hear my explanation. She hated me. I stood there, willing my body to run after her, but my body refused to listen. It was as if it recognized the rejection and didn't know what to do.

I heard Emmet cry "Bella!" his voice happy yet anguished. Almost on top of that I heard Bella snarl. Finally forced my lifeless body to move, hoping if I made it out in time, I could see her again. But as I reached the hall, I already knew she was gone. My brothers still stood there, shock evident on their faces.

"Edward," Jasper whispered. "What has happened?"

I merely shook my head, the pain weakening me too much to speak.

Emmett still looked stunned. "she's a vampire," he muttered. "She's a freaking vampire. Wow."

I leaned against the lockers, not knowing what to do with myself now. Bella was alive, but it wasn't the same Bella. This Bella didn't love me at all.

"The hate was very strong in her, Edward," Jasper said quietly as he laid a hand on my shoulder. " I don't know what we're suppos-"

I shrugged away angrily, not wanting to hear what he had to say. _Edward come back, _his mind called._ We need to talk about his. _

I ignored him.. I needed to see Bella. I couldn't smell her here, but I could still hope. She could still be in another one of my classes.

But she wasn't. 4 periods in, and I felt defeated. Either she had skipped class or I had lost the chance to talk to her. Finally the bell rung for lunch, and I made my way slowly to my family's table, not even bothering with human props today. I merely went to the table and sunk into a seat, my head held in my hands.

Everyone was strangely quiet for a long time. Finally Rosalie spoke. "So does this mean we're going to have to start all over with you?"

Alice hissed. "Rose, how could you say that? What if Emmett had left you and suddenly turned back up? How would you feel?"

Rosalie glared at her. "I' wouldn't have allowed him to leave in the first place. I love him to much to think that my place was anywhere but by his side." Emmett wrapped an arm around her and kissed her cheek.

I hung my head dejectedly. Rose was right. I never should have left Bella.

"Alice," I whispered. "How could you not see this?"

She looked frustrated. "You're the one who told me not to look into her future Edward! There was now way I could know this was coming. Don't you dare blame me!"

Suddenly she stiffened. Not a vision, but a scent.. or rather, multiple scents. The rest of my family stiffened as well. Vampires.

That would explain what Bella was doing here. She had found a coven. I picked out their thoughts amongst the human minds.

_Bella needs to answer her damn phone. I don't like this…._

_Where is Bella?_

_I hope everything is ok. It's not like Bella to skip school._

_Oh god, did I do something? I didn't mean to scare her. She seemed fine this weekend. Is she avoiding me?_

This last came from a tall blonde male. I saw images in his head. Bella's face, sparkling in the sun like diamonds. Someone leaning in to kiss her. Turning her face away. Saying she was sorry but she wasn't ready.

A soft growl ripped through my chest. They all heard it and stiffened. Slowly, each member at the table turned to face us.

They looked at my family, and we stared back. You didn't have to be a mind reader to realize the recognition. They knew what we were as surely as surely as surely as we knew them.

A hiss came from one of them, a short blonde boy who barely looked older than 16. I glared back. We didn't need to fight, but it wouldn't be easy to coexist in such a hostile environment. The short blond boy stood, apparently ready for battle. A small red haired girl yanked him back down, whispering too softly for vampire hearing. Not that it mattered. I could still hear her thoughts.

_Aston O'Shannon you will sit your butt down this instant. Not only are being amazingly rude, which I suppose is normal for you, but you are about to make a very big scene. What would Bella think?_

At Bella's name the boy softened his glare and relaxed a little. They truly did love her then. I was glad of that. At least she had found some happiness.

With that, the bell rang. I headed for the doors, leaving the more diplomatic members of my family to deal with them. I knew we would all eventually have to meet, coven to coven, but until then, it could wait. Bella might be in my next class.

And amazingly, she was. She seemed more relaxed than earlier, like she hadn't come face to face with the person who had destroyed her this morning. She merely sat straight ahead, a small smile playing on her lips. She seemed…happy. I figured this was the best time to approach her.

"Bella," I said, ignoring the other people shuffling into class, including the one who was glaring at me for stealing his seat. "Bella, please honey talk to me. I need to explain." Bella continued to stare ahead of her, a bored yet content look on her face. Suddenly she looked at me. I braced myself for the anger and hate, but it didn't come. She met my eyes briefly and then looked away, shaking her hair a bit. I waited, welcoming her scent that would soon assault me.

But it never came. Surprised, I looked back at her. She still had that same contented look on her face, her body totally relaxed. Wait. This wasn't right. There was no way she would be acting like this, not after the way she had been this morning.

I studied her figure closely, outlined by the light coming in through the window. A bird flew by outside. I wouldn't have noticed it had I not been paying attention to Bella_. But I could see the bird behind her._ Now that I looked even more closely, I could detect the faint shape of trees behind her as well. No human would have noticed. But with vampire sight, it should have been obvious. Bella wasn't here. Someone in her coven had wanted people to think she was. She obviously hadn't wanted to go through school with my family and me today.

The thought hurt more than it should have. After all, it was understandable, considering what I had done to her. But it still hurt.

The bell hadn't rung, nor had the teacher come in yet. Suddenly, I needed to find her. I didn't know where she was, but I had to see her.

I ran out of the classroom, trying my hardest to go slowly enough to avoid any more suspicion that would a normal student dashing out. I prayed Alice would see this and make sure Carlisle would have a ready excuse as to why I had not attended my afternoon classes. If not, to hell with it. I didn't really care.

I ran out the main doors, trying to catch her scent. I focused on where she had come from this morning, heading in that direction. At the end of the parking lot I caught her smell. I almost groaned I had missed it so much.

I followed it mystified by the number of shattered trees along the way. Apparently I had been right. Bella was still clumsy. This morning probably took more concentration that I had realized.

Her smell led me to a large house in the woods. Strangely, it wasn't far from the home my family shared. I winced at the thought of having to differentiate Bella's family from mine. I had never wanted that. She was supposed to be ours.

I slowed, making my way cautiously towards the house. There was a hole where a window was supposed to be. A noise caught my attention. A soft sob. I realized it was coming from the room with the shattered window. And then another realization hit me. The sob had come from Bella. I knew that voice, no matter how anguished it sounded or how long I had been away.

I froze, unable to move. Bella was crying. I didn't try to move any closer. All I could do was listen to her pain. My hand tightened on the trunk of the tree I was using to keep myself standing. Splinters came away in my hand. She continued to cry softly, obviously trying to hold it in. My heart wrenched. Had I done this to her? If I had, I would do anything to fix it. I would make it right. She should never have had to feel like this because of me. She was supposed to move on, dammit. I had let her go so she could be happy.

As the sun set, her crying ceased. I had seen her family come home, but only out of the corner of my eye. They were too engrossed with worry about Bella to pick up on my scent. I was glad they cared about her. It was all she had ever deserved.

I saw a stir in the room, and suddenly Bella was there, in front of the window. I shrank back behind the trees, too ashamed to let her to see me. She wasn't looking for me, that much was obvious. She huddled on the window seat, her knees drawn up to her chest. She seemed so incredibly fragile and alone, and I wanted nothing more than to hold her, whispering words of comfort to her.

Her eyes stared into the distance . it didn't seem like she looking at anything in particular, just lost in thought. She winced at some internal thought and again I read the pain in her eyes.

What had I done to her?

Suddenly I heard a voice calling her name. From the sound of it, it was the red haired girl from lunch. She snapped her head back away from the window.

"OK" I heard her call. "I'm coming." I nearly sank to my knees hearing her voice. I had dreamed of that voice so often, but it felt surreal to finally hear it.

She left the window, taking herself out of my view. And with that, my knees finally did give way, for the second time that day. "No, I whispered. "Please don't go." I didn't know how I was going to get through having to watch her leave again.

I stared at the window praying for her to reappear., but she didn't come back. I waited for hours, desperate for another glimpse. But it appeared that she had gone for good. With more willpower than I would have thought possible, I managed to get up and turn around slowly. Every step away from Bella was like a knive being shoved into my veins. It was harder to leaver her now than it had been 70 years ago. At least then I hadn't known the results of my words.

My family was probably concerned. I needed to get home. But I promised myself I would be back soon.

_Bella, I love you. I promise, somehow I will make this right._

**A/N: OK so I'm not happy with the ending of this so I'll probably end up rewriting it and reposting it tomorrow. But im sorry, I jut went through finals week. I have had 4 hours of sleep in the last 2 days, and am exhausted and have officially run out of steam. Ill fix it tomorrow. But I posted the story. If you can ignore the weak ending, hopefully you'll like it. Im going to bed. I need sleep**

**6 or 7 reviews and ill post again tomorrow. Im to sleepy to post a good authors note. So…hope you like it besides the crap ending. Ill fix it tomorrow. G'rnight.**


	11. facing the demons

**A/N: thanks for all the reviews guys. You all rock. And to those who sent me private messages, I promise ill answer soon. **

**Disclaimer: I currently own a slightly defective wireless router that is making it very difficult to get online, but I don t own twilight**

I walked down the stairs slowly, grateful that vampires couldn't get puffy eyes. I already looked enough like a mess as it was. I wandered into the living room, where the rest of my family was currently stationed. Even Abraham was home, which was unusual. Normally he remained at the office much later than this. Everyone looked nervous, a feeling of tension stifling the air. Something was going on. I was still too much in a haze of self-torment to muster up enough interest to wonder what it was. The way I was feeling now, I didn't care about anything.

Macy motioned to come sit next to her on the couch.

"How are you?" she asked as I sat down and laid my head on her shoulder.

"I'm fine," I sighed.

"I was calling your phone, you know. You didn't answer." Worry laced her voice.

Shit. I'd forgotten about the phone. "Um," I started, feeling embarrassed. "I threw it out the window." I braced myself, waiting for Macy to yell at me.

Instead she merely nodded as if this was perfectly logical and not the result of an irrational temper tantrum. "Did you bother to open said window before you did?"

"Not really."

She sighed. "OK, we'll get you a new phone this weekend. I'll go buy it. You don't have to come; I doubt you really want to deal with it. And Lucian and Micah can fix the window tomorrow. You know, it's his room too. You should have at least opened the window."

"I know. I wasn't thinking. And thanks Mace."

She pulled away to look at me smiling, and then turned serious. "Bella, what's wrong?" Now the entire family turned to look at me. "We all heard you crying. I haven't heard you cry like that in years. I wanted to go to you, but I remember how well you took that before." I remembered my early years as a vampire. She was right. Every time she had tried to comfort me I had nearly bitten her head off.

I grimaced in pain. "Edward's back."

Lucian growled, and Macy looked horrified. "What? When? How? That bastard!"

"He's came to the school today. Apparently, he and his family just moved here." I couldn't help the resent that colored my tone. I hated that he and his family were here. I had grown very territorial over the years, thanks to Aston, and in a way this felt like a slap in the face.

"Oh Bella, I'm so sorry! That must have been awful." Her eyes brimmed with unshed tears for my pain. I truly did love Macy. She cared so much about everyone else in her life, feeling his or her pain as if it were hers. Then she stopped suddenly and looked panicked. "Those were the vampires we met today."

I nodded, not understanding her anxiety. "I would assume so."

Macy bit her lip. "Bella, you have to understand! I didn't know! I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"We met them today. I didn't know it was the family who left you. So I kind of…" she trailed off, looking down.

Micah finished her sentence. "She invited them over so we could meet properly and set agreements."

I was horrified. "YOU WHAT?"I jumped off the couch, ready to run but not knowing where I was going, so I just towered over her. "Macy how could you?"

She didn't look at me, continuing to stare at the ground. "I didn't know! If I had I wouldn't have talked to them! I would have ripped them apart, you know that! Please, Bella you have to believe me!" She looked at me now, her eyes pleading. She looked like a little girl who had just flushed her mother's wedding ring down the toilet without meaning to.

"I don't care that you didn't know!" I shouted at her. "You should have waited! Talked to me! Talked to Abraham! Didn't you think that maybe the new vegetarian vampires might be the same ones who destroyed my heart? You saw the condition I was in when they left! Didn't that leave an impression on you? How could you be so irresponsible?"

Abraham interrupted quietly. "Bella."

I turned swiftly towards him, ready to begin yelling again. I knew it was wrong to do so, but I couldn't help myself. I was enraged by the situation, and my family was the closest target. But Abraham stopped me with a hand. "Macy didn't know, Bella. You know her. She was merely trying to be friendly. Your sister is very kindhearted, and she wanted to make new friends. We don't have many outside of this family."

I knew he was right, but it did nothing to lessen my rage. But I couldn't yell at my family. Slowly my anger towards my family dissipated. This wasn't their fault. This was all still on Edward.

I growled. "When are they coming?" I managed to bite out.

"Soon. In a few hours." This time it was Aston that spoke up.

"I'm not going to be here for it," I said, shaking my head. "I refuse."

Micah broke in gently. "Bella you have to. If you leave now, you'll be running away. You've already done that once today. If you do it again, what kind of message will that send? I know you want to be brave. You've told me that enough times. I know if I ever saw Emily again, I'd want to leave too. But you are stronger than me. You always have been. You can do this. You have to."

"No, I whispered. "Please, don't make me." I couldn't see them. Not in my home, my one safe place. I didn't want that memory. I wasn't ready for this. Today had started like any other day but it had all fell apart the moment I saw Edward.

"No one is going to make you do anything, Bella," Abraham said gently. "But I do think you need to see them. You've been hurting for so long. Maybe this will bring you closure."

I felt like the room was closing in on me. "I have to…I have to leave. I'm going to hunt."

Lucian spoke up for the first time. "I'll come with you." He said standing up.

I shook my head. "No, I want to go alone. I need to think. Besides, you need to be here for when they come. You need to meet them."

He sat back down, looking disappointed and concerned.

Abraham nodded. "Of course, Bella, we understand. I hope you will be here when they visit, but we will not hold it against you if you are not."

I nodded without looking at him, blindly heading for the door. I tore out of the house desperately trying to escape my thoughts.

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EPOV

When I finally arrived home, no one asked where I had been, but they still seemed as if they had been waiting for me. They were all huddled in the kitchen as I entered.

"That look in her eyes," Alice was murmuring. "She hates us. She hates me. I don't understand. This is not the same Bella." Her voice cracked on the last word.

Esme's thoughts were tortured. _Oh my poor Bella. This is awful. We never should have left her. My daughter hates me. _I winced. Her pain was palpable. I had done this to her.I had done this to all of them.

Carlisle's thoughts were equally pained. _Oh Bella, how could we let this happen? _

Jasper was still stunned by the feelings of hate that had come from Bella and was visibly shaken. Rosalie was irritated, not understanding why Bella would be so hateful. If she only knew...

Emmett was surprised and hurt, but being Emmett he was still optimistic. _You know, Edward, _he thought to me_. Things could still work out. You just need to talk to her._

I sighed. I had already tried to talk to her. She hadn't wanted to hear it. I don't know how that was going to change.

Only Mira seemed confused by the proceedings. Her thoughts were a little unsympathetic_. So Bella hates us. What's the big deal? Everyone can't like you_. Her thoughts followed a familiar strain of hers that I was beginning to find a little exhausting, and I wondered at her ability to truly care about anything. She said she lived in the moment but was she able to do so because she didn't feel things very deeply? I felt a little sick at the thought, wondering how I could ever have thought she was similar to Bella. Mira was a nice girl, but now she just seemed…heartless, the same way she had been when I asked if she missed her family. I had been with her for years, but I still didn't really understand her.

Alice began speaking again. "Edward, after you left, we met her family. We talked for a few minutes, but it was difficult with so many humans around. The little red haired girl suggested we come over tonight."

I sat up straight. "Why didn't you tell me about this earlier?"

Alice shrugged and glared at me. "in case you didn't notice, Edward," she spat. ":But this is hard for me too. I have a lot on my mind."

I just glared back. A lot on her mind? I wished she could for once see into my head. Then she would know what having a lot on the mind meant.

"Can you at least see anything?" I begged, hoping for at least some glimmer of hope. "How will this end?"

Alice shook her head, seeming frustrated. "I can't see anything. I see meeting the O'Shannons, but that's it. When it comes to Bella, all it all goes black. I don't understand this."

I growled in frustration. The most important thing I needed to know was the one thing I wasn't able to. I felt completely helpless.

"When are we going?" I asked, turning to Carlisle.

"In a few hours," he answered. I growled. I wanted to go now. I wanted to see Bella.

"Why are we waiting? We should be there now. Is it so horrible, the idea of seeing her?"

Carlisle frowned in disapproval of my words. "Edward, stop it. You know it's not like that. We're all desperate to see Bella."

Then why are we not over there?" I shouted. I had an excuse to see her. I didn't want to take my time.

"Edward we will go over there at the time we were asked. If we arrive early, it could set the whole relationship off on a bad note. Bella isn't the only person in that coven. We have to build connections with the whole family. We will be living with them, and can't afford animosity."

I sighed, knowing he was right. "Fine. Tell me when we can leave. I'll be upstairs."  
Without a glance back I left the kitchen, heading to my room. I entered my bedroom, turned on Debussy as loud as my sensitive ears could handle, and flung myself onto my bed. Bella's scent still lingered in the room. Now I knew I hadn't been losing my mind when I thought I had smelled it. For some reason, she had been here. I wondered if it had been because it seemed like my old room in Forks. The thought gave me hope.

I gave myself up to memories of Bella. Not of those today, that would have been too painful. Instead, I remembered the good times. The first time she told me she loved me. The way it had felt to kiss her, fighting the bloodlust yet completely exhilarated to be touching her. The way she had looked at prom. I concentrated on the happy memories. If I remembered the bad, I wasn't sure I could have managed to get out of bed, even to see her. I wouldn't have the strength.

So I thought of Bella, allowing the classical strains of music so soothe me. Soon I would see her, and maybe have the chance to regain my lost love.

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BPOV

I gave my mind over to the hunt. I wasn't yet ready to make a decision as to whether or not I had the strength to see my old family. I hated them. They had left me. If they hadn't wanted me they shouldn't have pretended. I would have blamed it on the fact that they couldn't stay interested long in any human because they were vampires, but I knew that wasn't the case. Just look at Katie. She was human, and yet I, a vampire, genuinely cared about her and would miss her terribly when I left. I had said Edward had developed the skill of pretending to care, but where had he learned it? Was it possible that his family had taught him that art? It was possible. None of them had loved me and yet seemed so genuine. Who knows? Maybe they had cared a little, but after the episodes with James and Jasper they had gotten tired of trying to protect me. The thought hurt. I had thought they loved me. If they had, they would have suffered through my inconvenience. That's what love was about. You put up with the good times and the bad. You don't just stop loving someone.

After my fourth kill, I sat against a tree, lost in thought. I needed to make a decision. What did I want? Honestly, what I wanted most was to go back in time and never have met any of them. I could have grown old and died, oblivious to the pain that I had barely escaped. Life would have been easier. But with the situation as it was, I knew no matter how badly I wanted to run away and not see them, my pride was stronger. I wanted to look them in the eye and show them that they didn't affect me. I sighed. I guess my mind was made up then.

I made my way back to the house quickly, proud that I only shattered one tree in the process. As I walked in, I was relieved to see that the Cullens still hadn't arrived. I hadn't wanted to walk in on them.

Everyone was still in the living room, and the air of tension hadn't disappeared. I realized they must be nervous. Meeting another large coven was certainly a dangerous situation, even if they shared our eating habits. And given their knowledge of my history with this coven, it was understandable that they were wary.

Lucian was the first to speak to me. He came to me and took my hand in his. "Are you ok?" He whispered softly. His eyes were concerned. "If you're not up to this, it's ok. No one will think any less of you."

I shook my head. "No, I have to do this. Abraham is right. If I ever want to move on, I need to confront my demons."

With that Lucian smiled, his eyes smoldering. "Well in that case, I can't wait to get this over with."

I looked away, feeling uncomfortable. Suddenly a small had was tugging at my arm, wrenching me away from Lucian.

Macy was tugging me up the stairs. "If you're going to have to see them," she stated as she dragged me along, "you are going to at least look nice."

"Macy, it doesn't matter how I look. They don't want me. If they didn't want me when I was human, I don't want them when I'm a vampire."

She stopped on the stairs. "Bella don't you get it? The look is part of the whole staying strong thing. If you look like hell, they're going to see what them being around does to you. You want to make a statement? Well I'm going to make sure you do."

I sighed, shaking my head, but I allowed the tiny girl to pull me to my room. If it made her happy…At least it took my mind off my nervousness and dread.

Macy was right in a way. As she played Bella Barbie, I felt stronger. When I gazed in the mirror, I gasped. I had never looked more beautiful. Everything was perfect; the makeup, the hair the outfit, everything. I had never been so perfect. This was not the reflection of someone who was worth leaving. Looking at myself in the mirror I felt a confidence I had never had before. But the fire in my eyes gave it away. I didn't look like I was going to meet a new family. I looked like I was going into battle.

"thank you sweetie,: I told Macy. "I look wonderful."

She merely smiled smugly and motioned me out the door.

Lucian gasped when we made our way into the living room to rejoin the family.

"Bella, you look beautiful." His eyes looked me up and down and I was suddenly very away of how short my skirt was. He had a look in his eyes I wasn't ready to relate to, and the scent of his lust was overpowering to me. I prayed the rest of my family didn't notice. Somehow I think they did. Abraham looked uncomfortable and Macy seemed like she was trying not to laugh. I would have blushed if it were possible but managed to mutter "thanks."

Quickly I changed the subject. "So, how long do we have until they get here?"

Abraham opened his mouth to speak but a knock on the door interrupted him.

**(A/N: so I was really tempted to end the chapter like that, but I figured it was just too mean. I'm really tired again, and I can't promise quality from hereon in, but just bear with me please.)**

Macy grimaced. "Guess I better get that," she said. She left the room. I resisted the urge to sit down. No. I would take this standing up. I would show no sign of weakness. Aston and Lucian seemed to sense my nervousness and in a flash were flanking me. We stood in the farthest corner of the room, tense and ready (or in my case, trying to tell myself I was ready). I grabbed Lucian's hand in my fear. He merely squeezed it in support. Micah looked concerned and wary. Only Abraham seemed unfazed.

I heard Macy open the door. "Hello,"' I heard her say. "Won't you please come in?" In that moment I loved her more than ever. She was taking the very situation seriously, understanding that these people had left me and left the O'Shannons to pick up the pieces. She was not her usual chirpy self. Instead, she seemed almost cold and hostile, yet impeccably polite.

And then they were there all seven of them, plus one small girl I had never met. My dim human memories had not done them justice. They were so beautiful it made my heart ache, _Stay strong, Bella. Stay strong._

A voice interrupted my inner chant. "Carlisle!"

I watched in amazement as Abraham went to embrace Carlisle in surprised happiness. What the hell was going on?

"You…know him?" Micah asked incredulously. I couldn't believe it either. Suddenly I felt like I had lost someone on my side. I had thought this was them against us, but now Abraham was clasping Carlisle in a hug. Traitor.

Abraham turned to look at us. "I knew Carlisle many years ago. In fact, he's the reason you all, well most of you, have the feeding habits you do. He convinced me to turn to animals.

Son of a bitch, now they were all looking at the good doctor like he was some sort of savior. I felt like my own family was betraying me.

Aston, bless him, was the first to recover from the awe. He snorted. "Glad everyone knows each other then. Good to know we have something in common with the people that broke Bella's heart." With that, my family, excluding Abraham, shook themselves and returned to their hostility. An uncomfortable silence ensued.

Alice was the first to break it. "Hello Bella," she said softly. I refused to return the sentiment, just glaring at her across the 20 feet of space between us.

Carlisle coughed uncomfortably and then spoke. "Bella, I wish I could say it was good to see you but given your sentiments toward us, I think you would find me insincere." I smiled at him without humor. _You got that right. _

He continued. "I was hoping you could tell me one thing at least. What happened? How did you become like this?"

"It's none of your damn business!" I snapped at him. Out of the corner of my eye saw Edward look up sharply, but I couldn't understand his look without analyzing it. To do that I would have to actually look at him, something I had refused to do since he had entered my home.

Esme spoke then. "Please Bella, honey, talk to us. We love you. You're my daughter!" I couldn't help the wince of pain that came across my face. No matter how angry I was with the Cullens, I couldn't make myself hate Esme. She had always been like a mother to me, a closer connection than I had ever felt with Renee. I had loved my biological mother dearly, but I had always felt responsible for her. With Esme I had finally been able to allow myself to feel a mother's love and be able to be taken care of. Even when she lied to me outright, I couldn't hate her. I may not be her daughter, but she would always be my mother. Even so, I remained stubbornly silent, looking away from her and focusing my gaze on section of carpet.

It was then that Rosalie interjected angrily. "You know, Bella, I knew there was always a reason I didn't like you. With everything you have done to this family and to Edward you still have the nerve to treat us like this! We did everything for you, and how do you repay us? By ripping this family apart and hurting us all. I wish you had died in the forest! You deserve it!"

I looked at her, shocked. A snarl ripped through the air. With a start, I realized that it had not come from me, but Macy. Pretty, innocent, tiny little Macy was crouched in a defensive stance, a sneer marring her features. In this moment, she looked every bit the terrifying vampire, something I had never seen before.

"You bitch!" she growled. "How dare you? Do you have any idea what _he_ put her through? He left her in the forest, telling her he didn't love her, leaving her to die, and you still have the nerve to blame her? You should be blaming yourselves. She told me you were all heartless, but even then I couldn't imagine this level of insensitivity. You all left her, and we were the ones who were there to pick up the pieces. When you abandoned her, she was helpless and alone. Do you have any idea how lucky she was to find us? Do you have any idea how long it took for her to even leave her room to hunt? You left her as a shell, a lifeless thing, sobbing at night for her lost love and the family that had abandoned her! We saved her, when you all were too busy with yourselves to give a damn. We helped her survive. You all destroyed her. And now you can't understand why she isn't your biggest fan. You stupid, conceited, self-absorbed little bitch! I hope you burn in hell!"

A stunned silence fell upon us all after Macy's speech. I wanted to cry in gratitude. She had said all the things to them I had wished I had the courage to.

Alice's eyes were wide. "What?" she breathed. There was a long pause, and then she turned to Edward. "Is this true?"

Finally I looked at him, unsure of what was happening. He looked tortured. "I can explain," he said frantically.

Rosalie looked at me calmly and spoke, cutting Edward off. "Bella," she said steadily. "I am so sorry for what I just said. I had no idea that you didn't deserve it. Please forgive me." With that, she stalked towards Edward, and without a moment's hesitation, slapped him so hard he flew across the room, landing in heap. I still had no idea what was going on.

"You bastard," she ground out. "You fucking bastard. All this time you let us believe she left you. You let us think that she was this heartless bitch who didn't want you. And all this time you've been lying to us. You know something funny? I actually felt sorry for you, the poor sap who had his heart broken by a human! But all along it was you who destroyed our family. You broke her heart. She loved you, you asshole. And you left her. You ruined her life and you ruined our family! You selfish, arrogant prick! You don't deserve her, Edward. You don't deserve this family." She looked like she wanted to hit him again, but Emmett pulled her away, his eyes hard.

"Come on babe. You don't need to do this here."

Rosalie turned to me. "Bella, I am so sorry. I didn't know." Again she was apologizing to me.

I barely acknowledged her. I was in a daze. He told them…I left him. He wanted them to leave me. It wasn't enough that he was leaving me, he had to take my family too. I felt weak, like my knees were about to give out under me. I sank to the couch, fresh new wounds ripping my soul apart.

Alice's eyes were still wide. "The day we left...." she whispered, looking at Edward. "You told me Bella had left you the day before. You said you wanted to go for a walk and you wanted to be alone. You told me not to look into your future. You…you didn't want me to see you leaving Bella. Edward…how could you? She was my best friend."

"Alice, I…" Edward sounded strangled. I cut him off.

"Alice, I said softly. She whipped her head back to me. "I'm so sorry I growled at you before." I gulped, trying not to cry. "I didn't know, " I whispered.

Suddenly she was in my arms, kneeling in front of the couch. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. We sat there holding each other, our sobs wracking our bodies. I don't know how long we stayed like that, it could have been hours, it could have been minutes, it could have been hours, it could have been days. I didn't care. All that mattered was that I had my best friend back. A part of me that had felt so wretched inside was finally healing.

"So…you still love me?" I managed to choke.

That brought a fresh wrack of sobbing from both of us. "Of course, Bella, You're my best friend. I never stopped."

We began to cry again, both mourning the time we had lost and celebrating that we finally had each other back.

Eventually we became aware that there were still people around us. Alice pulled away, but only to sit next to me on the couch, holding my hand. I clutched it gratefully. Even if she had wanted to let go, I was refusing. I had spent so much time being angry with Alice, with the rest of this family. I wasn't losing any possible connection with them now.

Again the room was filled with silence. If possible, the tension had increased tenfold as one by one we all turned to Edward.

He began to sob, trying to come towards me. Jasper stopped him with a had on his arm and a glare in his eyes. I could tell they were holding some type of mental communication, and that Edward wanted to ignore it.

"Bella," he choked. "I'm so-"

"No!" Alice cut him off. "You betrayed her. You betrayed us. You have no right to speak!" Suddenly she crossed the room and slapped him across the face the way Rosalie had, just not as hard. This time he didn't fly across the room but was merely forced back a couple steps. I knew in the back of my mind she hadn't done it to hurt him physically. Even as furious as she was, she wouldn't inflict physical harm. That, however, did not mean she was averse to inflicting a mental blow that was well deserved.

"Alice!" Esme exclaimed.

"No!" Alice cried again. "Esme, I love you dearly, but don't try to defend him! Rosalie was right! He is the reason our family has been so unhappy for the last 70 years! It wasn't enough that he left her! He tricked the rest of us into leaving her too!" With that, she whirled around, heading towards me.

"Come on Bella," she said, grabbing my hand. "We're getting out of here. I can't stand to be in the same room as him. You probably have the same feeling.

Lucian spoke. "Bella, why don't you take her to our room? You guys can get away for a bit, but if we need you you'll be close."

At the words "our room," Edward had let out a growl. I glared, wanting to punch him. I knew what he thought of that phrase and it infuriated me. He didn't want me, so what did it matter if he thought I had a mate? Apparently even if the bastard didn't want me he still thought I belonged to him.

I nodded and headed to the stairs with Alice. Macy made a move to follow but I stopped her. I let go of Alice's hand and wrapped Macy in an embrace.

"Thank you," I whispered in her ear, too softy for anyone else to hear. "You are my true hero. Never forget that because I wont. I can never repay you for defending me the way you did. But now, you need to stay here. You need to listen to them and learn and talk. I need someone who will give me the honest story of what has happened when I leave. Please Macy, do this last thing for me."

She pulled away, looking as if she wanted to cry. But then she nodded and took a deep breath. "I understand. I love you Bella."

I love you too, sweetie." I managed. I needed to get out of here soon. "remember what I said. "

She gave me a slight smile that didn't quite reach her eyes but returned to her original spot against the wall.

Alice stood patiently waiting and I grabbed her hand again. As we made our way out of the room I stopped one last time when I reached the Cullens.

"I'm glad I got to see you again," I said with a shy smile. "I'm sorry I was so rude before. I didn't know the circumstances. I would love to see you all again if you don't mind. Well, I'd love to see the six of you at least."

"Hell yeah!" Emmett exploded with a grin. Rosalie rolled her eyes at him but then smiled at me. "Bella, we would love to see you again. I know I've hated you for so long, but it was only because this asshole over here," she gestured with a glare towards Edward, "lied to us. I want to start over. Whenever you want, just know that I'm there to talk." I was shocked. The Rosalie I had known had hated me. I guess what they say is true. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Huh.

I smiled back at her regardless. "Thanks Rose. I just might take you up on that." I turned to the rest of the family. "Well…good night" I said awkwardly."I'm sure I'll see you soon. Oh and Edward?"

He looked at me, a strange expression in his eyes. "Glad to see you've traded up," I said, looking meaningfully at the small brunette he stood next too.

With that I grabbed Alice's hand again and led her upstairs to my room, immeasurably grateful that I had had the strength to turn my back on him for the second time in one day.

**A/N: OK this is a very rough draft, but I promised you an update. Chances are I'll be fixing this chapter like the last one. But I don't think I caught up on sleep last night and its late and I am aching for my bed. So I will probably be posting this chapter again tomorrow along with my new one.**

**Remember. 6 or seven reviews and you get an update. I hope no one minds that. And livsmom and tink3rb311ar3b31, I will reply to your messages soon. Right now tomorrows legacy needs sleep. She's still recovering. And tink3rb311ar3b31, I promise I will review your story. Im not ignoring it. **

**But for now, sleep.**


	12. sisters and wouldbe lovers

**A/N: ok so im really sorry about not posting sooner. I've been with my parents the last few days and haven't been able to do much. Im with my boyfriend right now and he's playing guitar, which leaves me free to write. So here you guys go. Hope you enjoy**

**Disclaimer. In case anyone confuses this with Stephanie Meyer, let me say now that im not her and thus don't own twilight. Please don't sue. **

BPOV

I led Alice up to my/ Lucian's and my room and closed the door behind us. I was still reeling from the encounter downstairs and the emotional reconciliation with the small girl next to me and was a bit at a loss.. Alice, being the take charge little pixie she was, moved through my room and without hesitation turned my music on.

"There," she whispered. "If we keep our voices down they won't be able to hear us."

As I was about to smile at her gratefully and thank her, a resounding crash came from below. Instead of expressing my gratitude, I rolled my eyes.

"Even if they can't hear us I can still hear them. I don't want to be here. Can we just get out of here?"

Alice nodded, and as I expected, headed for the window. Oh good lord, the window. Not only did it bear the evidence of my loss of control, but it also had no tree outside it. Which meant the only way out of it was jumping. Yet another opportunity to humiliate myself in front of other vampires.

Alice stopped in front of the window seeing the glass and raised an eyebrow. "Now what did the poor window ever do to you?"

I grimaced but didn't say anything.

She grinned. "If I didn't already know the gist of what happened today, I'd be a little worried about your temper." Then she laughed and opened the window. With one small and stupidly graceful hop she disappeared outside.

I peered out the window, looking at her from two stories above . She waved for me to follow. I hesitated with a sigh. There was no way I would do this without looking like an idiot. Alice stamped her foot and motioned me again. With a sigh I finally let my legs dangle off the edge, first one, then the next. As I looked at the ground warily, I briefly contemplated telling her I had changed my mind and that I was fine staying in my room. But knowing Alice she wouldn't be fooled. So with yet another sigh I partly jumped, partly slithered, and partly fell from the windowsill.

The fall was everything I had expected. Unlike most vampires' descriptions that say everything seems to be in fall motion, the ground came too fast for me. I tried to straighten out in time to reach the ground, but as always, my timing was just a tiny bit off.

I slammed into the ground, landing in a heap with a loud thud and a mumbled string of curses. Alice's bell-like laughter peeled out from across the yard before she remembered the others could probably hear her.

She spoke softly but the mirth was still evident. "I'm glad to see at least some things haven't changed."

"Oh shut up, Alice," I muttered with a frown. She just laughed quietly again and gave me her hand to helped me up from the ground. I took it gratefully and she pulled me up.

We began to walk through the yard and into the surrounding forest without speaking, just taking comfort in each other's presence.

After we had been walking for maybe half an hour a thought occurred to me. "Wait, I said, slightly panicking. "Edward knows your thoughts. Can't he see us leaving?"

She just smirked. "I blocked him at the house. He's going to give me hell for it later but frankly I don't really care. I'm so angry with him I can barely see straight. He took you away from me. He's my brother and I love him and I would kill for him. I honestly would. But right now I just want to kill him." She hesitated. " So does this mean you want to talk about him? I will if you want to…"

I shook my head vehemently. "No. The last thing I want to talk about is Edward. " I want to hear about you and about the rest of the family."

Alice huffed, blowing hair out of her face. "Well.. lets see.. After we left you we travelled around for a bit. For a while there Jasper and I left. Jazz said there were too many emotions in the house." She stopped and looked at me quickly, which seemed to imply just where those emotions were coming from. I decided to ignore it.

"Where did you go, when you left?" I prompted.

"Well we began with southern America. Jasper said he wanted to confront his demons there. But we never found the girl he was looking for." She frowned a little, a tiny crease furrowing in her brows.

"Did it bother you?" I asked hesitantly.

She shook her head. "No, not really. The girl we were looking for was the one who turned Jasper and he has a very strong connection to her. But I was secretly grateful we never found her . You have know idea what she had done to him or what I would have done to her."

"So tell me then."

She just shook her head. "Maybe one day. This isn't the night for it. I want to tell you about our family and me, not what happened when we left."

I waited, eager to hear the story of the family of whom I had missed so much.

"When we got back, ten years had passed. I hardly recognized them anymore. It didn't even seem like a family. Carlisle was still working at the hospital, Esme was still renovating the house and painting, Emmett and Rosalie were still going to school, but everything felt so wrong, like they were just going through the motions. Bella I don't think you really realize the effect you had on us. After you were gone, everything was broken."

I bit my lip, the way I used to when I was human. "But you know it wasn't my choice. I never wanted to leave any of you. I loved all of you so much."

Alice halted suddenly and turned towards me. For the second time that night she threw her arms around my waist. "If I had known everything I would never would have left!"

I hugged her back. "I know. I'm just glad we finally have this time together."

She sniffled a bit and continued walking. "That reminds me," she said. " Bella…I can't see you. In my visions I mean. I don't understand it."

I nodded. "I've thought about that.. I didn't actually believe you'd be so cold hearted as to keep ignoring me when you didn't have to protect me anymore. I think it's the same thing as Edwar…his ability to read my mind. I have a defective brain. People's powers just don't work on me. I'm a freak even with vampires."

Alice shook her head. " Bella, you're not a freak. You're special. Do you know how special it makes you to be immune to other people's talents? You're invincible."

I smiled, knowing she was just trying to make me feel better. "Thanks Alice."

Again we continued in silence. Then suddenly Alice stopped and hesitated in a very un-Alice-like manner.

"Ok, I know that I'm really mad at Edward right now but you need to know something ." She said in a rush.

I looked at her incredulously. _Please no. She promised. _

But Alice was Alice and she continued in her straightforward manner. "He was the reason we were so miserable, Bella. He was the one who made Jasper leave. After you left he shut himself in his room and it tore our family apart. He still loves you, Bella. There's no other reason for the way he's acted for all this time."

I shook my head, begging her not to continue. "Alice, please don't," I croaked.

"No, I have to. You need to hear this. Since you left it hasn't been the same. _He_ hasn't been the same. He needs you just like the rest of us do. I don't know why he did what he did, but he still loves you."

"Alice, stop," I cried, turning to her. " He left me, don't you get it? If he loved me he never would have done that, let alone said what he said. Do you know what he told me? He said I was an amusement, a nothing, a _thing _he was tired of trying to protect. I don't know what made him so unhappy all these years but it certainly wasn't me. He never loved me, and it's not fair for you to tell me he does. Please Alice, if you ever cared for me, just stop it. I can't handle this kind of talk. My sanity can't take it!"

Alice looked like she wanted to continue, but stopped herself. "Alright," she said softly. "I won't push it. But just know that if and when you ever want to talk about it I will be ready for it. In fact, I look forward to it. I just wish I knew you were going to come to your senses." She growled in frustration but let it go.

I grabbed her hand. "I know you're irritated with me right now but I really appreciate how you're handling everything."

She just smiled at me. "Well, of course!" she scoffed. "I may want to beat the crap out of you at times, but I still love you."

I hugged her. "You really are my best friend," I whispered.

She pulled away enough to look in my eyes and smile. "Even better," she said. "You're my sister and we're family. You're stuck with me now."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-cx-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

EPOV

I had watched in horror as everyone realized my lie.

I had taken Rosalie's slap as a measure of course, knowing I full well deserved it.

I had tried to talk to Bella and fully accepted the way Alice had set me in my place.

I even managed not to rip the blond guys throat out when he used the term "our room" when it concerned Bella.

But the last straw came when Bella told me I had traded up and looked at Mira.

At first I was angry. She didn't know anything. How could she think I had any connection to someone who wasn't her? _Because you told her you didn't want her. If you remember correctly, you actually told her she was one of many. Of course that's what she thought. You stupid fool. _I clutched my head and closed my eyes, oblivious to the nine pairs of eyes on me.

I tried to pick up on Alice's thoughts. _There's a log in the hole in the bottom of the sea. There's a log, there's a log, there's a log in the hole in the bottom of the sea. There's a bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea…._

Alice was blocking me. I wanted to hate her for it but really couldn't blame her. I knew the last thing Bella wanted was for her conversation to be listened to. But even so, I glared upstairs to where my sister had left with the girl who used to love me.

A crash sounded and I noticed a case breaking near my feat. I heard murmurs from upstairs but couldn't focus on them now. There was a blonde, short, angry vampire in front of me who had just swept all the items off the nearby table in order to get to me quicker. "You….you…you," he stopped, unable to find an appropriate adjective for me. I didn't blame him. I had witnessed firsthand the damage I had done, and I myself could find no words to descried the low I had reached.

The man called Abraham laid a hand on the blond boy's shoulder. "Aston." he said quietly. "Stop. This wont help anything. And by the way, you owe me for that vase. 17th century. Nearly priceless. Hope you find a way to pay me back.."

Aston just glared. "it's a small price to pay if I can rip him to shreds." He snarled at me. I didn't react. I deserved to be torn apart by this boy.

"Wait," a voice said. I looked up to see Carlisle stepping forward. "Abraham, as much as I care for you, this is a family matter to be settled. We will handle it personally."

"Like hell you will," the redhead spoke up immediately. "The only reason I'm not trying to kill you with Aston is because Bella asked me not to. She wants me to know what has happened." She glared menacingly at me. I would never have thought such a tiny girl would be so intimidating, outside of Alice of course.

"Macy," Abraham glared disapprovingly, but this time it was Emmett that cut her off.

"No, I agree. This is Bella's new family. When it concerns her, it concerns all of us." I was a little surprised; Emmett was not usually so insightful. But I agreed with him and so I tried to explain myself.

"You have to understand," I whispered. "I never meant for any of this to happen. I loved Bella. I always have, I always will. I left her to keep her safe. I thought if I was gone, she could move on and have the life I always wanted for her. I love her so much," I ended with a sob. "All I wanted for her was to be happy. There was no way she could ever love me the way I loved her so I let her go. I thought it was for the best"

"You love her…"another boy murmured, almost to himself. "that would explain the connection…" From what I gathered from the thoughts around me this boy was named Micah. I wanted to pursue his line of thought but then another voice broke through, harsh and unrelenting.

"So you did this for her?" she asked incredulously. "You didn't once stop to think about what this would mean to our family?"

"Rose think about it," I pleaded. "If you thought you could save Emmett, would you give even a thought to the rest of us?"

She opened her mouth to speak, then shut it. She paused a moment and her eyes grew hard again. "At least I would have taken Emmett's opinion into consideration! I know that I am vain, I know that I am self-centered, I even know that I can be a complete bitch at times. But I would never, ever think that the love of my life didn't have a say in what happened to him! Even I wouldn't be that arrogant."

I began to be angry. "What do you even care, Rosalie? You never liked Bella. Why do you care that I left her? Why are you suddenly on her side?"

Her eyes looked into mine for a second and I saw everything that she wanted to express. Hate. Betrayal, Sadness. Love. Even Hope.

"You of all people should know why, Edward," she whispered before she began shouting again. "Because I know exactly what it feels like to be told they're loved and then be betrayed. I know exactly what it feels like to have the world promised to you then have it ripped away! No one deserves that feeling! I wouldn't wish that on anyone!" She broke off with a sob and Emmett held her closely, whispering words of comfort in her ear.

The boy who had talked about Bella and my connection finally broke the silence.

"Edward, Bella is very important to us. We will not see her harmed. Why exactly should we trust you.?"

I groaned and ran my hair though my hair. It was a very legitimate question. These people loved her. They didn't want to see her heart broken a second time.

"You know why I left," I began. "But you have to understand. The only reason I didn't come back was because I believed her to be dead. If I had known she was still alive, I'm not sure I would have been able to keep away. I might never have talked to her, but at least I could know she was happy. I love her enough that I just want her to be happy, whether or not it includes me. But Alice had no visions of her. The newspapers said she was dead. I didn't know she was around. I left her to save her from this. I wanted her to have a soul"

Carlisle broke in, raising a hand. "I'm not sure we gathered here to discuss philosophic theories."

"Damn right!" Emmett piped up. Even as happy go lucky he was he still seemed angry.

"First and foremost," he began, holding onto his hostility. "How the hell did Bella become like this?"

I saw several mouths open to reply, but my mind was suddenly flooded with memories. Visions of Bella. Her crying as she ran though the forest, falling to the ground and picking herself up, only to continue deeper in between the trees. Her soft cries begging it to be a dream. The words _my darling my light and my love_ repeatedly being mumbled. Someone's arms wrapping around her and a voice whispering _I've been waiting for you_. Bella's eyes widening in horror and closing in despair. The sensation of sucking her dry until a feeling of horror and self-preservation kicked in, forcing an end to the bloodlust.

I could hear the mental voice of the person who's thoughts were focused on Bella's change. I looked at the male that had only recently told Bella to take Alice up to "their" room. Everything went red.

"You bastard," I managed to snarl. "You did this to her! I'll kill you!"

And with that, I launched myself at him.

**A/N: Dun dun dun! So the plot thickens!**

**Ok so I know this is a really short chapter but I'm feeling pressured, my boyfriend is calling me to bed**

**But yeah I know there are a lot of typos. But mike wants me to go to bed and honestly im exhausted. You'll prolly have an update of this chapter tomorrow to fix everything.**

**Love you guys!**

**Kisses!**


	13. this heart in my breast revised

**A/N: so my future in-laws are completely loaded and they have an apartment with a kitchen and bedroom in their house which is where I am currently residing (my boyfriend is 24 and im only 22 so sleeping in the same room still kinda weirds his parents out) but ive managed to escape for a few hours to write. Lucky for you guys right? Anywho, here you go. Like most chapters this one will prolly be edited in the future**

**I really didn't like this chapter so im reworking it which is why you're seeing it again. Sorry guys**

**Disclaimer: I do not, will not, and never have owned twilight. Im a little confused as to why I keep having to put this disclaimer but for the moment I will follow the crowd and play it safe.**

EPOV

When I launched myself at the blond haired vampire I gave no thought to the people around me. But as I grabbed him the thoughts of my family and Bella's could be heard in the distant part of my brain.

_Edward no!_

_Asshole is attacking the family! I'll kill him!_

_The hell is going on?_

The blond's words lingered in my mind though, as he put up no resistance. _I'm sorry._

I ignored him and grabbed his shoulders, throwing him to the ground. We rolled over twice, knocking into chairs and disarraying the furniture. I snarled at him and his instincts seemed to kick in. he growled at me and snapped at my neck. I moved away from his teeth and launched myself to another angle taking him with me. Suddenly I was pinned but I arched my back and pushed my legs up thrusting against the floor, my anger lending me additional strength. In an instant I had him pinned against the wall, leaving a remarkable sized dent in the wall to which I paid no heed. I bared my teeth and lowered my head, ready to rip his throat out, but then I felt strong arms pulling me back.

Emmett was dragging me back, away from the monster that had done the unthinkable; taken away Bella's life. I struggled but it was no use. No one could compete with Emmett's strength.

I was oblivious to this fact, and continued to snarl and kick and struggle while I watched two other males (Aston and Micah, my mind dimly registered) struggle to keep the blond away. He looked as ready as I was for battle, struggling and fighting the same way I was.

"Enough!" Carlisle and Abraham's voices rang out at the same time.

I noticed each family was on opposite sides of the room, in crouched, defensive positions, ready to strike at a moments notice. Only Jasper and Micah didn't seem to be taking part, both with thoughtful looks on their faces.

Micah spoke first, breaking the hostile tension. "Lucian cares greatly for Bella. Don't judge what you don't understand. This is none of your concern. We will deal with this."

"None of our concern? NONE OF OUR CONCERN? So what? Bella asked for this?" Rosalie screeched. "She asked to be changed after the love of her life left her? You don't think we're that stupid do you?"

Micah shook his head. "No, that's not what I meant. What I'm trying to say is that while he made the mistake of attacking her, he truly cares for her."

Macy snorted and muttered under her breath. "This time I think I'm with her. Led the guy rip him apart."

Jasper spoke up then. "No, he's right. Lucian regrets what he did, more than I think you would understand."

I turned round to glare at Jasper, feeling betrayed.

He glared right back. _Don't you look at me like that, Edward. You made your choice. Now deal with the consequences. This is what you left Bella to. Another vampire changed her and then became enamored. Get over it. This is still all your fault. I know you regret it but she still deserves to have all her options. You take him out and you're deciding for her all over again_

"Dammit it's not the same," I growled.

_Yes it is,_ Jasper argued calmly. _You took one choice away from her. How do you think she's take it if you took away another? She deserves to decide what she wants._

"She deserves to know," I ground out.

Aston's thoughts agreed with mine. _Damn right she does. If this kid doesn't take him out I will. I knew there was a reason I never liked him._

"Absolutely," Abraham said. "But this is not your concern. We will deal with this. I care for Carlisle and will naturally respect his family, but I will not tolerate other people interfering with my family!"

Abraham's response was intense and passionate, but it seemed awkward as if he weren't used to having to make a stand. My mind toyed with the idea of attacking Lucian again. It would only be three against one, Lucian, Micah, and Abraham Macy and Aston would not stand in my way. And my family would at least defend me. But no. If I wanted Bella's forgiveness, ripping her family apart and attacking them wouldn't be the way. From what I had seen, this family was as important to her as the Cullens had been. And I knew telling her would be a lost cause. If I tried to reveal any new secrets to Bella, they would take me out, both literally and figuratively and in the end I would have gained nothing. All I would do was hurt her again, that's if she believed me after all the years she had spent thinking of me as a liar.

So with no other option, I settled for a grudging and resentful compromise. "You have one week," I growled at Lucian first and then turned to glare at the rest of the family. "If you haven't done so by then, I don't give a damn if she doesn't want to talk to me. I will tell her and let her make of it what she will. I may have hurt her, but at least I'm trying to do everything I can to make it right!" With a last scornful glance I turned to make my way back to my family's side of the room. Surprisingly, no one 's thoughts seemed to resent my actions. Some were ashamed, some were thoughtful, and even more surprisingly Micah's thoughts seemed optimistic. I would love to have had better circumstances with him. I felt we could have been friends.

Abraham nodded. "While I think it's a bit presumptuous for you to be issuing ultimatums, I will agree. Lucian," he said, Turing away from me. "You have a week. While I am angry at the way you have deceived Bella, this is none of my business. This is between you and her, and it falls onto you to tell her the truth. But I have a feeling that this young man here will not hesitate to make good on his threat here." He glared at me for a second, obviously resenting the intrusion into private matters, but his thoughts told me I was right in issuing this choice. If I didn't, he suspected Lucian would never have stopped lying.

Abraham looked at the rest of the family. "None of you will tell her, is that understood?" His voice had an authoritative ring to it, the father telling his children that no disobedience would be tolerated.

In that moment Alice bounded into the room without so much as a knock. "Hello!" she almost sang. Apparently her time with Bella had done her worlds of good. She seemed livelier than I had seen her in decades. Another pang of guilt hit me before she continued. "I do hate to be a bother but this situation is a little too intense. If we don't leave now there will be problems." She looked at Jasper meaningfully and he nodded in agreement. He was eager to get away from all the rampant emotions. I saw in her mind myself launching at Lucian after some taunting remark.

Carlisle saw the look and nodded. "I'm sure Alice is right," he said to Abraham. "My wife and I apologize for the problems and drama our children might have caused. We will, of course, pay for the damages to your home." With this Esme nodded, shooting a quick but meaningful glance at me.

Abraham nodded and gave a small smile. "It's understandable. Most of my family consists of people forever trapped in teenage bodies as well. It makes for interesting times. And Bella spent many years here destroying our home on accident. Payment won't be necessary. But don't worry. I know you came to address the problem of two large families living in the same area, but it shouldn't be an." At this point he gave a warning glance to the people on his side of the room before continuing. "And rest assured hunting will not be a problem. Should we ever come across you during the activity, we will not consider it an invasion of territory. You will hunt alongside us."

Aston made a scoffing noise but Abraham quelled him with a look.

Carlisle smiled. "Abraham, my good friend, it was a pleasure to see you. I wish it had been under more pleasant circumstances but I'm sure as the situation between the families improve it will become easier. I hope we will meet again soon. It has been far too long."

Abraham smiled and, to my surprise, gave a slight bow. "Of course, Carlisle. Just because our children haven't learned to cooperate doesn't mean we should suffer. I will make sure that we will meet again. We have much to catch up on."

Alice was fidgeting, and in her mind I again saw the image of myself launching myself at Lucian again after some provocation and cleared my throat. Carlisle looked at me, hesitated, and then nodded. "Yes, well," he began. "We should be of then." He looked at the other family and smiled in the kind way that only Carlisle could get away with. "I hope to see you all soon. Abraham." With that he nodded and led the way out of the room.

The run back was surprisingly quiet, and I suspected my family was blocking their thoughts. This was only in the beginning however. As we headed farther into the forest I pushed myself on faster, trying to escape from them if only for a moment.

But eventually and all too soon we came to the house the rest of the family was calling home. I entered first and settled at the kitchen table, knowing there would be a family conference to follow soon. And as always, the people I had known my entire vampire life did not disappoint. The moment the came into the room they confronted me. Rosalie was the first to speak.

"So, _brother_," she seemed to almost spat the word, "I believe you owe us an explanation."

I looked at her, and in the mingle of her mind and the emotion in her eyes, I found I could give no adequate reason as to why I had betrayed them all so thoroughly.

"I'm sorry," was all I managed to whisper.

Rosalie started to speak again but Esme cut her off with a look. She took the seat nearest me and lifted a hand to my hair. _I understand, _she thought._ Even if no one else does, I understand. You only wanted what was best. Don't be ashamed my son. Not everyone has that kind of fortitude. I forgive you, and they will too in time. _

I looked into my mother's eyes and saw all the love and compassion I was searching for. I took her hand from my hair and squeezed it in silent thanks.

Rosalie saw the exchange and her angry thoughts became screams. _How can she just forgive him? He destroyed our family! I never even liked Bella much but she never deserved what he did. How can she act like it was nothing? She saw how Bella was! He destroyed Bella and he destroyed this family! We have spent seventy fucking years dealing with his morose, emo ass and now with an I'm sorry all is forgiven?_

I wanted to look over and glare but I found I couldn't. All I could manage was a slight flinch, but Rosalie saw it. She huffed and spun on her heel, heading to her room. Emmett made a move to go after her but Carlisle spoke.

"No, let her go. She can still hear everything and I think she needs to figure out her feelings for herself."

Emmett grimaced but obeyed, still looking to where Rosalie had retreated.

I changed the subject, albeit bleakly. " Please," I murmured. "Someone tell me how to fix this."

Alice shook her head. "Edward, as angry as I am with you right now, I don't like seeing you hurting and I want as badly as you to make this right. But you know I can't see Bella."

I began to plead with her. "But you talked to her, Alice. Tell me what I need to do to make things right."

Alice's eyes were wide with anxiety and pain. "After seeing the look in her eyes tonight I'm not sure you can," she whispered.

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BPOV

Alice and I had walked for along time in the forest, talking about inconsequential things, weather, what-ifs, memories of the times we had had together, etcetera until she had turned to me suddenly.

"You know, Bella," she said with a small smile, "You really have changed. The person you once were would have run into our arms, no questions asked. She certainly wouldn't have stood up to my brother that way."

I merely shrugged. "Well after 70 years or so I guess you learn a few things. One of them being that you don't touch a fire after it's burned you."

Her smile faltered a bit at that, but then she brightened. "That's not really the point. I just want to say how proud I am of you. You've become so strong. I don't feel the need to take care of you anymore, and it's not because you're not human. You seem like you can stand up for yourself."

I was about to respond with a sharp retort about how she didn't need to be proud and how I had always managed by myself when she stiffened and her eyes glazed over.

When her eyes became clear again I questioned her. " Are you ok?" I asked, a little worried. I knew Alice had had these visions from before I was even born but to see them again after so long it was a little unnerving.

"I'm fine," she answered with a smile, but her eyes were a little tight and the smile didn't seem to fit well on her pretty features. "It was just a hunting trip Emmett and Jasper were going to plan to take. Actually, I should probably get back to the house if I want to make my own plans to join. You probably don't want to come with me, do you?"

Still a little taken off guard at the sudden change of subject, I could only shake my head.

"No, I figured you wouldn't. I don't blame you, Edward's still at the house. He'll be gone in a bit. Why don't you just take a walk for a few hours and give him time to leave? Then you can go home and have the night to yourself." Without waiting for a reply she gave me a quick hug and bounded off.

I looked after her and sighed, not for the first time wishing I had Edward's power of mind reading. But she was right. If he were at the house that was the last place I wanted to be.

I stared wandering deeper into the forest again, unmindful of where I was going. Eventually I came to the river, but it only registered in the back of my mind that I had crossed into Cullen territory. As long as I couldn't see their house among the trees my mind wouldn't let me become unduly alarmed.

I came to the bank of the river and sank down again a tree, ignoring the wet sand that pressed into my jeans. This area was surprisingly clear, as was the sky. With no trees or clouds to block my vision I stared at the night sky, my chin resting on my arms, which were cradled by my knees. I allowed my thoughts to wander, not giving them a purpose in any way.

They flowed from a range of topics, like how long it takes chickens to lay an egg to whatever happened to the blue shirt I hadn't been able to find the last few months in Charlie's house, but eventually my thoughts came to rest on more serious matters.

I thought of my family first. I remembered how frightened I had been when I had been changed and how they had taken me in without hesitation. I had blocked them all out and yet they had only responded with love. When I had needed friends, they offered me a family. I had never told them just how grateful I was for all of them but eventually I would need to. I was sure they already knew, but it was the kind of thing that needed to be verbalized. I loved each and every one of them, and I hated to think of the problems my past was bringing them.

I thought of Lucian. A part of me had hoped before Edward had appeared that he would be the one to help me heal. A part of me had wondered if he would be the one I could fall in love with. I cared for him with an intensity I couldn't even feel for my family. Well except for Macy, but that was in a different way. He made me laugh with abandon and with him I had for the first time in 70 years felt a glimmer of happiness. In a way I did love him. I had deluded myself into thinking the love I could feel for him might possible equal what I felt for Edward. But that was before Edward had come back into my life. With that glaring in my face, I realized just how foolish I had been. No one would ever make me feel the way Edward did. _Maybe that's not such a bad thing though,_ a voice in my head argued. _ If you don't feel as strongly you wont be as hurt if he leaves you._ The voice had a point. No, maybe I wouldn't feel such an intense passion as with my first love, but I could be happy. Happy would be nice.

And as for Edward…. I didn't know what to think. I had shied from serious thought of him for so many years it felt almost awkward to be thinking of him a present person and not a memory. What was it that I felt for him? Mostly all I felt was anger. I knew in the back of my head I was in denial and would eventually have to confront my feelings for him, but I wasn't yet ready to analyze them. For the moment I was happy to know I was angry and wanted to smack him across the face the way his sisters had done. Anything farther than that I hadn't really planned on. I had spent so many years planning the confrontation I hadn't really given a thought to the aftermath. Would I ever be able to forgive him? I wasn't sure. Whenever I had a weak moment I thought it might be possible but then I remembered him leaving me that night, and the wound reopened in my heart and I began to hate all over again. I wasn't sure if I could recover from that. Silently I cursed myself. I was 88 years old and still felt like such a child. A part of me needed my hate. Its what had kept me going for so long. If I let it go, who would I become?

An excerpt from an old poem came to mind as I thought of him.

_And I will never stop waiting _

_and never stop hating _

_This man and his quest_

_Or this heart in my breast_

_That bleeds for all to see._

The poem had always hurt me in a vague sort of way. When I first read it I had been filled with such an empty and hollow ache I would have suffocated from it were that possible. I identified with the author. She was like me, grieving over an ancient love that she would never fully recover from.

As I stared up into the sky a shooting star darted across the darkness. "Make a wish, Bella," I muttered to myself as I watched it disappear into oblivion. And I did wish, even though as I did so I was still unsure of what I was asking for.

**A/N: ok first I want to say I hate hate hate HATE this chapter and will prolly delete the whole damn thing cuz im so unhappy with it. I know I need to reply to things and im really sorry I haven't but I always get on here late at night and Im always too tired by the end of things. I really am sorry. I love you all.**

**Anyways. Im sorry. No flames please, I know the writing is awkward and stilted. Let me fix it later. But please still review, I need your input. Other than that, gnight. **

**Love you guys!**

**K fixed it so hopefully it flows better now and answers a few of your questions**


	14. now or never

**A/N: hello all! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Ive had a bit of writers block and im sure this new chapter will reflect it but bear with me please**

**Disclaimer. Don't own twilight. Nope. Not one little bit.**

BPOV

I stayed in the forest, my back against a tree and watching the river for hours. Sometimes I would actively think, other times I merely let my mind wander. I didn't have a mission that night; in truth I wasn't sure I could handle any more serious thought. I merely let my thoughts glide.

Hours passed, and night turned into morning. This was my favorite time of the day. Dawn. Even the word was beautiful. It described a new beginning, a time of starting over. Everything was brightest this time of day. The colors were vivid yet not washed out by the sunlight and you could practically feel the energy of the world around you begin to rise up. Dawn was beautiful. If I could have ever had a daughter, I would have named her Dawn. To me it meant rebirth.

I didn't go to school that day. I don't think anyone really expected me to. Instead I merely sat by the river, looking into its depths and losing myself in the pools of water. I wanted to stay there forever. Looking at the river was safe. It gave me peace and didn't give me drama. I hated drama and these last few days had been the most dramatic since I had learned vampires existed, 70 long years ago.

My mind toyed with the idea of just leaving and never coming back. I didn't want to be in this town any longer. I didn't want to be here, not when that's where Edward was. For so many years I had longed for him, praying he would find me and we could just pick up where we left off. But life doesn't work that way. He couldn't just come back into my world and we would ride off into the sunset as if nothing had happened. The bastard had lied to me and used me, and over time I had come to realize this, my longing for him was replaced by the desire to stay as far away from his as possible.

I would never ask the family to come with me; I couldn't bring myself to ask them to rearrange their lives just because I had been introduced to an uncomfortable situation. But I wanted to go.

But even as I had the idea I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. At least not permanently. First, that would make me a coward. I was stronger than that and was tired of fighting the urge to run away. I'd been feeling it so much lately I wanted to slap myself. If I did though, I would probably at the very least dislocate my jaw.

Second, I didn't think I would be able to leave my family. I would miss them too much, especially Macy. They were my friends, they were my family, they were my everything. I could not do that to them. They had given me their everything and I refused to leave them, which would tell them that I did not appreciate their generosity. They deserved better.

Third, if I left, I would be running away from the other family I had longed for. Could I truly leave the Cullens after I had found them again?

I waited until several hours after I knew that everyone would be at school before I made my way back to the house. Even then I didn't hurry my pace. I was in no rush.

The house was still redolent with the Cullens' scents. I could smell them all: Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, the new girl, and…him. Mildly I resented it. I didn't want their reminders. Not now.

I retreated to my room. At least the only scents there would be those of people I cared about. I flung myself onto my bed, trying not to think. I was tired of thinking. But also, I was tired of trying to not think. Dammit I didn't want this! I was beginning to happy. Why did I have to be forced into this?

So I lay there on the bed as I had done so many times before, staring at the ceiling and mentally exhausted yet unable to do anything about it. Gradually I became more and more agitated.

I jumped off the bed and began pacing my room. When that didn't help I walked around the house at a frantic pace, running from the living room to the kitchen, to the library, to my room and back again. I wanted to _do_ something. I didn't want to go to school, and I didn't feel like hunting. I wanted to do something productive. But what is considered productive when time means nothing and every four years you're given another chance?

The house felt like it was closing in on me. As my pace began to transform into a mad dash my thoughts began to grow wilder in panic. The urge, the sheer need to do something was overwhelming.

Suddenly I had an idea and came to an abrupt halt, my heels making a slight dent in the wooden floors as I skidded to a stop. Sprinting to the computer in my room I felt more productive than I had in years. I was finally taking action and doing something worthwhile. Finally I wasn't just going through the motions. Finally, I was going home. There was only flight leaving that day and I had plenty of time to make it. I was going back to Forks.

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LPOV

_One week. One week. One week. _The two words kept repeating themselves in my head like a mantra. _One week. _How on earth was I going to figure out what to tell Bella in one week? _ I'm sorry Bella, but I was the one that attacked you 68 years ago and damned you to a life of the Undead but don't worry I really like you now and hope maybe one day you could like me too. _Stupid.

I had been planning on telling her, eventually, but this deadline made it so much harder. I wanted to gain her trust, her friendship, and possibly her love before I did so. I needed time, but I didn't have it. I needed trust, but I didn't have that either. I wanted love, but it didn't seem like that would ever happen for me.

How the hell was I going to tell her? I had spent so much time with her already but didn't feel like I knew her nearly well enough. I still didn't know what made her laugh or what her favorite color was. I didn't know what her favorite food had been as a human or who her favorite writer was. I had wanted to know everything about her, and now I might lose that chance.

I knew if Bella didn't forgive me I would lose not only her but my home. I already knew within a few hours that I wasn't truly welcome anymore. Macy and Aston were not subtle in their resentment. Micah was quiet but in his eyes I thought I saw a gentle pity that I hated more than the resentment. Abraham was the only one who seemed unaffected. He had left the decision up to Bella and me and he would not get involved. If the senior member of the family accepted my stay, he would put up no resistance.

Bella didn't join us for school. Perversely, I was grateful. I didn't think I could handle being around her. With the impending announcement that everyone was waiting for, I knew being around her would create a tension that I wasn't ready to break. I missed walking her to class and seeing her smile, but I would take that loss over the look of horror she would give me later.

I tuned out most of my classes, giving myself over to my thoughts which primarily concerned Bella. One_ week, how to tell her, losing her._ Over and over they repeated themselves; there was no respite.

Eventually lunch came, which I was dreading even more. Now there wasn't the useful excuse of avoidance through classrooms to stay away from the family. I would have to sit there with them and endure their looks of condemnation.

I walked towards the doors slower than usual. Most of the students had already made it in but I shuffled my feet in a desperate attempt to avoid the inevitable. I reached the doors, took a deep breath, and pushed through them.

I made my way to the food line, ready to gather my props and endure a grueling half hour (or 15 minutes by now) with the people I had once hoped would become my family. They weren't completely ostracizing me yet. Like Abraham, they were waiting for Bella's reaction before they made any big decisions.

"Lucian!" a girl's voice called. I turned to see Bella's friend, Katie walking towards me, or perhaps bouncing was a better word. From what I had seen of her Katie never walked. She bounced, bounded, or skipped.

Like with Bella, whenever I saw her I could never help but smile. Something about her energy was infectious.

I smiled at her welcomingly, grateful that my execution with the O'Shannons was postponed, if only for a few minutes.

"Hello, Katie. How are you?"

She flashed me a smile and shrugged, the sunlight catching her gold curls and making them sparkle. For a second I was distracted. She really was quite lovely.

"Where's Bella?" she asked looking around. "Normally you guys walk in together."

"Um, she's not feeling well today so her dad let her stay home." I winced internally at the lie. Normally it wasn't a problem for me to deceive humans; in fact my survival depended on it. But Katie's innocence and lightheartedness made the words turn to ash in my mouth.

Katie bought my lie, of course, and her brow furrowed in concern. "Oh, will she be ok?"

"Of course, it's just a stomach bug. She'll be back tomorrow or in a few days." More ashes.

"Good," Katie smiled again, then seemed to turn hesitant, which I already knew was unusual for her. "Well…then would you mind if I talked to you? I have a couple things I want to say."

I felt confused but overwhelmingly curious. "Ok," I said slowly. "Just let me grab some food."

Katie rolled her eyes. "Please," she said. "Don't even bother. You never eat it. I've seen your tray when the bell rings." I froze. Did she know something? Katie continued, oblivious to my tension. " Bella doesn't eat lunch either. I'd be worried you guys were closet anorexics or something but you obviously aren't too thin. Whatever," she shrugged again. "Some people just aren't hungry during lunch. Don't see why you want to hide it though," she grumbled.

I smiled again, relieved yet surprised. She obviously didn't suspect anything, but her observational skills both impressed and concerned me. I hadn't realized she was so aware of her surroundings. Most humans were oblivious to anything that didn't concern themselves.

Katie took my smile as agreement and motioned me towards the doors to the atrium. Normally people weren't out there this time of year; they preferred the heated rooms inside to the icy wind and snow-covered cement. I could only assume she had chosen this place for the privacy. No one would overhear us out here.

Katie brushed snow off one of the cement tables and sat down on the bench. I did the same across from her and settled my forearms on the table. I looked at her expectantly.

She chewed her lip the same way Bella did when she was nervous and stared down at the table. She was still hesitant so I prompted her. " You wanted to talk to me?"

Katie took a deep breath and plunged in, her words coming a hundred miles an hour. "Look, I know you like Bella," she began in a rush. "She's a really good friend of mine and I love her and I don't want to see her get hurt. She's a good person and she was screwed over before." Inside I snorted. _If only you knew. _"I don't want to see that happen again.

"It's not that I don't like you, because I do. I think you're a really nice guy and Bella could do a lot worse but I'm really protective of my friends. She's been hurt before and there's just something…" she broke off again and looked up, finally looking at me. Her blue eyes were dazzling and for the first time I understood the whole crap about eyes being the window to the soul. The ones before me pleaded.

"You have to promise that you won't tell Bella I talked to you, especially about what I'm about to say."

Silently I nodded.

"Bella is my friend and I love her, like I've told you, but there's just something in her that seems a little…. broken. When she smiles, I get the feeling like she's forcing it most of the time. I wish she would confide in me, but she's a private person so I have to respect that and just be happy with what she gives me. But I talked to her the other day and I think it might be because of some jerk she fell in love with. That's why I'm concerned now. I don't know if she could handle her heart being broken again."

She cut off abruptly with a short laugh. "This must sound so dramatic to you," she said self-deprecatingly. "I mean, we're only in high school and people tell us that we get over the things that happen to us now. Most of us do. But Bella is different. She's older than 18. I don't know how to describe it, but it's almost like she's been living a century longer than anyone else. And she seems tired. So that's why I think it would affect her more. Do you understand what I mean?"

I was stunned. This tiny, adorable young girl was so perceptive that I was taken aback. I felt like I had been taken unaware, and that put me on the defensive.

I gave a curt nod and snapped out, "She's stronger than you think."

Katie flinched away from my bared teeth, fear flashing across her face before she recovered herself. After her first reaction of fear, her eyes hardened a little and instead of running away like a smart person would, she leaned forward towards me intently.

"I know she's strong," she said softly. Her eyes were hard but behind that I think I saw certain gentleness. "But I think it took her a very long time to become that way. And while she might put up a brave front, I don't think she's as strong as you think. She has the potential to get there, but she's not there yet.

"She's changed in the week or so you've been here, don't think I haven't noticed. But she's not quite there yet. That's why I wanted to talk to you. I've seen this happen before. My parents are divorced, I don't think you know that."

I shook my head, wondering where she was going with this.

"My dad left my mom for his secretary, same song, different verse I know," she smiled sadly. "But after he left, it took my mom a long time to recover. She was shattered. Finally she began to come around, and started dating a new guy. I didn't like him much but I was just so happy that my mom was getting back her self-confidence I didn't think I could say anything. Then the jerk dumped her for a 20-something intern with an orange tan and a boob job. That was a couple of years ago but my mom didn't really recover from it. She doesn't date now, and spends her nights drinking red wine and watching crap TV. And that's how I think Bella will turn out."

She looked at me earnestly. "I don't want to see that happen to Bella. And if you really want to get involved with her, you need to be aware. Bella is beginning to bounce back but I'm not sure she can do it a second time. I've worried about what she'll do in college." She smiled sadly again. "There wont always be people like me to give potential lovers the third degree."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to think. All I knew was this girl had just bared her soul to me in the hopes that I would treat Bella the way she deserved. I wasn't even sure I could speak, but then Katie began talking again. Really this was turning into a lecture, but I couldn't find it in me to resent the blonde young girl in front of me.

"So what I need to know is what are your intentions with Bella."

I started laughing. Truly I couldn't help it. Intentions sounded so old fashioned. Katie looked at me confused but then started laughing herself. "Wow, that sounded so wrong. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out quite like that."

I shook my head, still laughing. "No," I chortled. "It just sounds like something from an 18th century movie." I calmed myself though, realizing that even had the phrasing been amusing, it was still a valid question.

I sighed, all remnants of laughter retreating from my body. "Katie, I can't promise you I won't hurt her," I said softly. My mind went back to my deadline. "But I can promise you if I do, it will never be intentional. I care about her, but there are some things going on that you don't know. Things that will either make or break my relationship with Bella, depending on how she handles them. But I'm certainly hoping that she will understand and let me help her heal."

Katie nodded thoughtfully. "OK," she said. "I guess that's the best I'm going to get. And honestly, I respect the candidness. You don't get that often from a guy." Her eyes were pained again and I felt the strange urge to comfort her.

"Well!" she said with a smile, obviously shaking herself from the seriousness of the conversation and trying to revert to her happy-go-lucky attitude that was her staple. "I'm sorry for going on such a rant. I didn't mean to. Actually I'm a little embarrassed now. You must think I'm an idiot or crazy or something."

"No, don't be sorry. I don't think anything of the sort." I impulsively grabbed her hand. She would attribute the coldness to the weather outside. She looked down at the hand holding hers but I couldn't see her expression so I continued on before she could make anything out of it.

"All you're doing is being a good friend. Really it's …commendable," my voice lowered on its own account.

Katie looked up at me and smiled. Slowly she withdrew her hand and stood up. Vaguely I wondered at the tingling sensation my hand felt. Most likely it was just the cold. "Lunch is almost over," she said (shyly?). " I have a couple things to do and you got here late so there isn't much time left. I'll get out of your hair now. Thanks for letting me lecture. I'm glad you didn't resent it." With one last (shy?) smile she turned away and headed inside. I didn't follow her, instead watching her retreat.

Normally I would consider such a blunt and upfront invasion of my privacy rude and obtrusive. But with Katie, that didn't seem to be the case. I couldn't help but like her. Her earnestness, the way she truly cared for Bella, even her upfront and direct manner made her endearing. She was beautiful, there was no doubt about it, but I had never been one to look for pretty faces; my species had so many of those it made it the norm. No, this girl had something more. Her lightheartedness and effervescent personality made her like a sunbeam on a rainy day. That's what it was. She sparkled like sunshine. Or maybe I merely liked her because I cared for Bella. If Bella cared for someone, then I couldn't help but do the dame.

_Bella…_my mind turned to the beautiful brunette vampire again. What was I going to tell her?

I would, like I had decided, wait until my deadline was over before I told her. But before then, I wanted to do something for her. If I were going to lose her, I wanted at least one more day of happiness to emblaze into my memory. I would take her on my bike one last time. Yes! That's what I would do! I would give her one last ride and we would go hunting. We would have a great time and then the next day I would tell her, and maybe she would remember it when she was decided how to feel.

Part of me wanted to give her something. If she decided she hated me, at least I could give her a memory of our times together. But what? Flowers? No, too cliché. Jewelry? Again, too cliché, and besides, Bella didn't normally wear jewelry. Then I had it, the perfect gift to remind her of the times we had. I would get her a motorcycle helmet of her own. A black one with an inside joke written on it. I knew exactly what. I would give her a black helmet with the words "bite me" emblazoned on the back.

Bella would love it.

I walked back into the cafeteria when the bell rang, still thinking about my gift. If Bella didn't want me in her life, I hoped the bike helmet would at least remind her of better times. Maybe she'd always remember how those days on the bike had made her smile. I may not have been in love with her, but I was close and falling faster every day. And if I lost her, I wanted her to at least remember me and the things we had shared.

I didn't want her to forget me.

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EPOV

I was disappointed but not surprised to find that Bella wasn't in class the next day. As I made my way through the parking lot I couldn't help scanning the area for her, searching in the minds of the fellow students for a glimpse of her. But she wasn't there. I walked into my first class, Madame Schaile smiling at me warmly even as she frantically tried to remind herself that I was a student and thus untouchable. I couldn't help the small smile that came to my lips when I heard her thoughts shift to the students and teachers that had gotten caught, but only because I heard another part of her mind insist that she wouldn't get caught. But that voice was in vain. She wouldn't try anything. She valued her job too much.

"Bonjour, Monsieur Cullen," she smiled warmly. "Comment vas-tu?"

_Je suis dans la merde_ I thought sourly (**A/N: roughly translated it means "I am in the shit, but it's French slang for I'm fucked. Both work here)** but I merely smiled and gave a slight nod.

I settled into my seat and stared at the empty desk next to mine. I saw the mark in the corner of it that looked at if someone had systematically been rubbing his or her fingernail against it. But that couldn't be it; no human nail would be able to withstand the wear and tear. Unless perhaps…Bella had worn it down? I knew she had always been fidgety in class. She was probably even more so now that she had heard the same lecture umpteenth times. Was it possible that she left this mark?

Without meaning to and oblivious to anyone who might be watching, I reached out and with my own thumbnail traced the indent. _Bella, oh my Bella, my darling, my light and my love…_

Madame Schaile began class and I withdrew my hand from Bella's desk to form a face of polite interest in the teaching around me. But my thoughts continued to stray to Bella, not that I tried to shy away.

I missed her and was aching to talk to her again, or at least see her. I knew that given everything, had she been in class she would studiously ignore me but I would take it. Just to be able to look at her for a few minutes I would pay whatever price was asked. For so many years I had thought she was dead. And now…this revelation…I knew she hated me but a part of me couldn't help but rejoice. Even if she hated me, to be in her presence was the best kind of heaven. At least she wasn't dead.

I had loved her as a human. I had loved her when I thought she was dead. I still loved her now that she was a vampire. I had never stopped loving her and I would love her to end of my existence with every ounce of my dead heart. If vampires did have a soul, no level of hell could touch me or hurt me if I knew she was in heaven.

But she wasn't in heaven. She was here, on earth. My personal angel was here. It was a torment but at the same time it was soothing. It was agony and yet bliss. It was hell, but then again, it was heaven. I had spent so many nights alone in my room reliving that awful night, the night I had believed my Bella had died. To know that she was alive, my nonexistent heart surged with hope. I had a second chance.

She might refuse me, I was fully aware. But I didn't let myself linger on that for too long. If I did, I might not recover a second time, if I had ever recovered from the first. What mattered now is that I had the chance to talk to her again. I could make this right.

I had made a vow. Somehow I _would _make this right. If she didn't want me, then so be it. I would end my existence, family be damned. This time they would not stop me from going to the Volturi. If I had a second shot with Bella and again lost her, my mind and heart would not be able to handle it. But until I was absolutely sure and had exhausted all possibilities, I would try. No many how many times she ripped my dead heart to shred I would keep fighting. It would painful and agonizing gand I would no doubt question my mission, but I would not falter. And if she didn't want me after I had done every possible thing to make amends, I would at least stay until I knew she was happy. I would do anything in my power to make her smile. If I could see her smile and know she was truly content with life, I would die happily. I would end my life, yes, but only because I was unable to survive in a world without Bella again. She was my everything. She was my love, my life, and the very essence of what kept me going. I would die, but would do so knowing that she was happy.

I pretended to be interested in the lecture but occasionally I would steal glances to the indent in the desk beside me.

_Bella I love you…._

The rest of the classes went by in a blur. Jasper and Emmett were waiting for me outside my first one but I ignored them. Alice and Rosalie were in a few of the others but I blocked them out. All I wanted was to be alone with my thoughts.

In a way I welcomed lunch. Bella might not be there but at least I could get some insight into her family's thoughts.

Again I didn't bother with my props, instead sitting at my family's table focusing my thoughts on trying to eavesdrop.

The O'Shannons' thoughts were mostly what I expected, reliving last night's drama. Occasionally I caught a sympathetic or condemning thought, but for the most part they remained relatively quiet. They were all busy reliving the night before and worrying about what it would mean. The fact that they studiously ignored me did not escape my observations either.

And then I caught the thoughts of a young human girl. _Hey there's Lucian. Where's Bella? If she's not here then it's now or never._

My thoughts focused on hers. I was intrigued. What was now or never? I watched as she led him out to the atrium, which surprised me. Normally humans didn't dare face the enclosed outdoor space with the winds and snow that left them gasping in shock. Apparently this was something she didn't want overheard and was willing to endure the biting cold for it.

Casually I stood up and made my way around the large room until a wall hid me from the main cafeteria room and all that separated me from the atrium was the bricks lining the hallway. I ignored the strange glances from people passing me in there. What did a few more glances matter? In a few years we would be a distant memory.

I heard Lucian's voice. "You wanted to talk to me?"

The small blonde girl's thoughts were hesitant, warring between saying never mind and reading him the riot act. The riot act part won in the end.

I listened to her speech, stunned at what I was hearing. I knew very well why Bella was so damn fragile. It was all my fault. I felt sad for the young girl and her mother, and I could sense Lucian's thoughts echoing my sympathy. I heard when she left, and was bitterly amused by his subconscious attraction to her.

And then his thoughts shifted to Bella again and I couldn't help but growl and then laugh out loud, which earned me more strange glances. He wanted to buy her a gift. This was proof enough he didn't know my Bella the way I did. Bella didn't want gifts; she loathed them. Had we not been competing for the same girl's heart I would have enlightened him. But we were and I could not afford to give him any sort of advantage.

The bell finally rang and I made my way back to the main room of the cafeteria. Lucian was ahead of me, still lost in his thoughts. Try as I might I couldn't help the daggers that shot from my eyes into his back. He wanted to give her a motorcycle helmet with the ridiculous words "bite me" on it. Obscene and tacky wasn't Bella's style. He was a fool if he thought the words "bite me" would be a reminder of happy times. From what I understood, she resented having ever been bitten. And the fact that he had been the one to bite her seemed like a sick irony. He had attacked her in the forest and now wanted to give her the words "bite me" to wear like some belated bulls eye? This man was either completely oblivious or had a very sick sense of humor

The rest of the day passed sluggishly. With vampire senses watching the clock was an even more excruciating experience than it would be for normal students. Now I could sense the time between each second and every second felt like an hour.

I was impatient because was once school was over I could at least watch Bella from a distance. In a way I felt foolish, having to revert to my actions from another lifetime, and this time the chances of being caught were increased a hundredfold as were the consequences. But still I couldn't help myself. I hadn't lied: Bella truly was my personal brand of heroine and after a taste even 70 years later I couldn't stay away.

When the final bell rang I walked as fast as "humanly" possible out of the school and made a mad dash to Bella's house. When I arrived there I positioned myself behind the same tree as before. Thinking better of it, I climbed up and sat on a branch in the tree, my height eyelevel with Bella's window. The window was still curiously broken and I couldn't sense any movement behind it, though still I strained to sense some.

I watched the rest of her family arrive home, still not noticing me. Really, they were quite unobservant for vampires.

I heard Macy shout out Bella's name and her thoughts were mildly curious as to where Bella was.

Lucian made his way to her room (their room, my mind reminded me with a shot of pain) and then his thoughts became distressed. I focused in on them and looked though his mind. What I found upset me as well.

_My dear family, _Bella had left in a note.

_These last few days have been the most confusing of my existence. Being alone was what I truly needed but I found that I could not be in this house and escape my thoughts. I need to do some self-discovering, and that wont happen here. So I'm going back to Forks, where you found me. Please don't be angry. Know that I love you all and I don't intend to stay away forever. I just want a few days to go home and give myself to memories. I want to visit my old house and Charlie's gave. I want to remember who I am. Please try to understand. And please apologize to Abraham for me. I used his credit card to by my ticket._

_I love you all. I will be home in a few days. I hope you aren't upset with me. I just feel I need to do this._

_Your daughter, sister, and friend_

_Bella (originally Swan, now O'Shannon)_

"Macy!" I heard Lucian shout. In her mind I saw her barreling through the door and reading the letter. From there I saw her glance to the computer. The itinerary was still pulled up. The flight left in an hour and a half.

Suddenly I made a decision. Without waiting to hear Bella's family's' reactions I launched myself from the tree in the direction of my family's house. I sprinted at full speed there, and I didn't pause to explain things to anyone when I arrived; I knew Alice would have seen my plan and would inform everyone. Not bothering to meet with anyone, I entered the garage through a side door and quickly started my car. Only when I was on the road did I realize that I hadn't packed any clothes. Damn.

I sped to the airport, bought my ticket and boarded the plane with minutes to spare. As I entered I searched for Bella. I saw her quickly, sitting in a coach seat (so like Bella. she would never use her father's credit card to buy a first class seat regardless if he can afford it). She was sitting in her seat with eyes closed, headphones securely fastened in her ears.

For a moment I couldn't move. She had a slight smile on her face and looked relaxed. She looked like an angel. Then she caught my scent and her eyes flew open. They fixed on me and hardened.

_Now or never_. I made my way to her but instead of addressing her I looked at the man sitting next to her.

"Excuse me sir but would you mind if we traded seats? I know this young woman here."

The man made a face. "I'm already settled in."

"I understand that sir, but I assure you I would make it worth your while." With that I slid a hundred dollar bill out of my wallet and the man's eyes lighted up.

"Sure," he said grabbing the money and standing up.

Bella was staring at me incredulously. "Wha..who…why…" she was spluttering in her anger. I merely settled into the newly vacant seat and waited, knowing I was about to be raked through the coals.

Finally she regained her equilibrium. "What the hell are you doing here?" she hissed angrily.

I shrugged, my face turning into a mask so as not to give away my anxiety at this very stalker-like behavior. "I heard you were making a visit to Forks. I've been meaning to visit myself so I figured I'd join you."

"Bullshit."

I merely shrugged.

"I wanted to go by myself."

Again I shrugged. I knew I was being horribly rude and very possibly arrogant, but I hadn't thought far enough ahead to come up with a decent excuse.

"And what do you mean _you heard_. My family wouldn't tell you! What did you do, spy on my house and listen to my family's thoughts?" I just looked at her and her face dawned with outraged disbelief.

"You did. You son of a…how could you….do you have any idea how creepy that is?"

I leaned forward. "Bella, I know I shouldn't be here right now. And when you need space in Forks, I will give it to you. But I just want a chance to be here with you."

She just glared.

I tried again. "Bella, you have every right to hate me, I don't deny that. But now that I know where you are, I'm not leaving."

"I don't want you here."

"I know."

"You know the only reason I am not ripping your arms off right now and beating the hell out of you is because of how strange that would seem to everyone here. We might be riding on this plane together but I assure you, I will need _my space_ the entire damn time I'm there. And you can be sure as hell I won't be telling you when I'm leaving."

She glared at me for a few more seconds then with a sigh she turned away. She plugged her ear buds in again and searched for a particular band on her music player. Strains of "Dancing Queen" reverberated from her headset. I hated Abba and silently cursed the day I had told Bella that. **(A/N: That's not my idea. I stole that from my favorite author, Oxymoronic8, you really need to check her out. Best writer I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing.)** I knew this was a subtle way to irritate me but I took it.

I continued to stare at her; aware that she knew I was doing it. I didn't care. Every chance I had to look upon her was ecstasy. I studied her. Her face was subtly different, as I had noticed before. Her cheeks were sharper, her lashes were fuller, and her limbs were just a little more defined. But she was still my Bella, my heart, my only love.

She hated me. I understood that and as much as it pained me, I accepted it. I deserved nothing less. But I would do everything I could to make things right again. I loved her more than life itself. As perverse as she would think it sounded, she deserved my efforts of persual

The captain's voice came over the speakers and a few seconds later the plane began to move. Bella remained stoic, ignoring the spiel about turning off electronic devices. The plane lifted into the air. For a second I removed my gaze from Bella's face to settle back into my chair.

No matter what happened, we were on our way.

**a/n: ok so this is the new chapter revamped (pun intended)**

**and I have an announcement. I'm going to go through all the early chapters and fix all the grammar crap that I've done wrong. So if you wanna see it, just reread them in the next few days. **

**I had majors writers block but I think I've broken it I have at least 4 dramatic twists and turns that will extend this story to (hopefully) at least 30 chapters. Im brimming with ideas. I just hope I remember them all. If you want to know my brainstorms, email me. I promise, some of them are downright crazy and angsty**

**Anywho, let me know what you guys think. Don't be too harsh though ;)**

**mwah**


	15. houses and little fools

**A/N:; Hello dears! Have you missed me? I've missed all of you. Sorry I haven't updated lately. I have literally been to every single well-known city in Texas in the last 2 weeks minus El Paso. So I have been very very busy and have basically spent the last few days trying to recover from my car. I don't want to ride in another car ever again in my life.**

**Ok so here is the new chapter with Edwards POV hope you like it**

**Anywho, here's the new chapter. And I feel bad begging for reviews but I'm doing it anyways. Please review guys. Remember, they motivate me to update.**

**Disclaimer: don't own anything, blah, blah, blah…**

BPOV

As I watched Edward casually saunter towards me on the plane and bribe the man sitting next to me my mind was in a tumult. The last thing I had expected was to see him there, when in my opinion it was quite obvious he was the very reason I was leaving.

His eyes were cool and calm as he looked me over, slightly smiling at some inner joke. Whatever it was, I wasn't interested. What I was interested in was that he would be completely and utterly aware that I didn't want him around. I wasn't lying when I told him the only reason I hadn't attacked him was because of the scene it would cause.

He told me he wouldn't bother me during my stay but somehow I doubted that. I wasn't an idiot. He came because of me, and thus he wanted to see me. Him seeing me bothered me.

I glared at him but it didn't seem to affect him at all so I stopped. Remembering something he had told me another lifetime ago, I plugged in my ear buds and began to blast music from Abba. I noticed how his hands clenched the armrests a little more tightly and felt a sense of satisfaction. It was petty and childish but knowing just how much Edward hated that band gave me a perverse pleasure in playing it in his presence.

But the satisfaction didn't last long and soon my anger was overcoming me again. I was literally seething in my anger, and highly aware of Edward sitting next to me. I wanted to hit him for his arrogant relaxation while I sat rigid in my seat.

It was the longest plane ride I had ever endured (or perhaps the word should be survived?). My mind began to play over different scenarios, some of which I killed him, some of which I took the high ground and was civil. There were more of the former than the latter.

I heaved a sigh of relief when the plane landed. I would have moved past Edward in my attempt to get off but that would have meant touching him, something I would have died before doing. Resentfully I allowed him to rise first and step back to make room for me. I made my way out without thanking him and headed to the baggage claim, where I grabbed my luggage and walked as fast as possible to where I could see a line of taxis outside. All the time I was aware of Edward's presence but I did not acknowledge him.

I halted on the pavement and took a deep breath. This was a typical Seattle winter day. The sky was grey and overcast, and the wind bit through my jacket. Had I been human I would have shivered.

Finally I turned to Edward, who I knew was standing just a few feet behind me and, and spoke to him for the first time.

"This is where you and I part ways, Edward. I don't want you to follow me, and don't get any ideas about contacting me. I don't know why you came here but if it was really because of me then you're in for a bit of a rude awakening. I don't want to see you while I'm here. I came to visit Charlie's grave and my old home, and that's it. If I see you there or smell you've been around, so help me, I will murder you. You will not know where I'm staying and I don't really feel the need to tell you when I'm leaving. I want you to leave me alone."

I didn't bother to watch his reaction or listen for a reply. I moved forward and flagged down a taxi. Without looking back I placed my bags in the trunk and got in the back seat. I told the driver I wanted to go to Port Angeles, which he agreed to do after I handed him more money than he probably made in a week, and we were off. I didn't look back to see if Edward was still standing on the street but I felt his eyes on me until the airport was just a speck in the distance.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I checked into a hotel in Port Angeles, a generic, run of the mill place with bland watercolor paintings and even blander furnishings. It was nothing special, a place that catered to the financially or time deprived.

I hated it.

I hated the color of the walls, the tasteless bedding and curtains, the water spots on the ceiling. I wasn't a snob, but suddenly I longed for my home in Westbrook, with clean carpets and the sweet smell of pine trees instead of stale smoke.

I sighed. Whatever. It wasn't great, but it was functional. That's really what I needed. I sat my bag down on the bed and moved to the window. Not the greatest view, but really, what was there to look at in Port Angeles anyway? I sighed again and sat on the bed next to my suitcase.

I didn't have much time here, especially now that Edward was here. Edward. The very name made my vision blur with anger. How dare he come here! I came to collect myself, to give myself strength before I managed to show myself at school again. And now….

I stood up angrily and began to pace the tiny room. If he thought this would help fix what he had done then he was sadly mistaken . If anything, I hated him more now. I hated him for being so arrogant for thinking he could just waltz back into my life and think we could fix things now that I wasn't a human. I hated him for stalking me all over again. I hated him for making me want to cry every time I looked in his eyes.

My mental rampage lasted only for a few minutes before I calmed myself. I had things to do. First, I went down to the front desk to figure out where I could rent a care. The man looked me over with a look that said I was way too young to be renting a car but gave me the address of a place.

It was a simple matter of getting the rental car. Even after 68 years I was still amazed at how well money relieved complications like age. All the rental company required was I handing my license over with several hundred-dollar bills. Classy.

I was tempted to go back to my room and start looking up information on my own death, but I didn't think I could handle it. I didn't want to read how there had been some accident and the police, Charlie included, had searched for my body. Or something along those lines.

Ignoring my temptation, I left the rental location and headed straight for Forks. The town had changed along with the advances in technology but other than that it looked mostly the same. There were a few more buildings and a few more people, but the same atmosphere of a sleepy quiet town.

I drove on autopilot to my old home. I didn't think about what I would find there, lest my imagination got the best of me and I lost my nerve. I parked a few blocks away, not wanting to alert people to my presence. What I saw when I came to the house made me gasp.

The quaint and charming house that had fit right in with the whole small town theme was no more. I barely recognized my old home. It wasn't quaint or charming anymore. Now it was old, decrepit, and falling apart. Vines had taken over in many places where the wood paneling used to be, the front door was barely holding onto its hinges, and several windows were broke. It used to be white, but now was mottled with mold and age, turning it brown and grey. Hesitantly I made my way through the overgrown grass towards the entrance. I braced myself and managed to open the door without removing it from the frame.

I stepped inside and was rewarded with smell of mold and rot. The furniture was gone and a film of dust coated the walls and floor. No one had lived here in a very long time.

I walked around the rooms downstairs first, not ready to see Charlie's room or mine yet. Memories assaulted me, each more painful than the last. Memories of cooking dinner for Charlie, of Charlie watching the latest sports game on the TV., of me and Edward sitting in the kitchen. One by one they flew through my mind until I blindly headed up the stairs to escape them.

It was, of course, a mistake. Now the memories no longer flew through my head, they sped past. I walked into Charlie's room first. This was a place I had not often ventured, so it seemed safest. I stood in the doorway, not allowing myself to enter. This room was pretty safe, to my surprise. I had spent so little time in here it was hard to be nostalgic about it. Slowly I turned away and headed to my room.

The door that had once been hanging there was mysteriously absent. It lay propped up against the wall next to it. Hmm. That was strange but I probably didn't want to know the reasoning behind it.

I forced myself to enter my old room but in no way was I prepared to what it did to me. In this room the furniture had not been removed. My bed was still in the same place it had always been, along with my old rocking chair. On my desk my old copy of _Wuthering Heights_ still sat, bookmark still in place. On the wall my calendar still hung. Though faded, I could still make out the marker color of the circle I had made around my birthday. With a shudder I focused my attention elsewhere. I moved to the window, looking out of it as I had many times in another life. A life when I had looked for Edward, had waited for Edward, had opened the window in the hopes that he would come to me. He always came to me, and we would lie on my bed and we would talk and I would kiss him and protest when he stopped me and he would hold me and I would tell him I loved him and –

Suddenly the pressure in my chest was too much and the idea of being in this room was too much and my pain was too much. I dashed out and down the stairs, only slowing when I came to the door. In no way would I ruin this house, my old home. I carefully let myself out and rushed as humanly possible through the grass.

"Um, excuse me?" I heard a voice call out as I was running. I stopped, not wanting to but also not wanting this person to think I had something to hide. He might mention to someone that he had seen me.

I turned around to see a young man in his 20s walking a dog. I blinked, unsure of what I was seeing. If I hadn't known better, I would have sworn it was Mike Newton.

"Oh," I stammered. "Hello."

The boy gave a slight smile in response, his eyes uncertain. "Can I help you? No one lives in that house and you seem to be a little old to be going in on a dare."

I gave him a confused look. "Dare?"

"It's stupid, but the kids around here dare each other to go in there. You're not from around here are you?"

I shook my head. "No, I, err, knew someone who used to live here. Why do kids dare each other?"

The boy gave me a strange look as if I were slow or something. "It's supposed to be haunted. A long time ago there was a girl who lived in that house. She disappeared suddenly and now people like to say the place is haunted. They say she wanders around at night looking for her lover, who disappeared at the same time."

"Oh," was all I could manage. People thought my old house was haunted because of me. If I weren't still feeling the aftermath of my experience in my room, I might have thought it was a little funny.

The boy didn't seem to notice my discomfiture. Instead he stuck his hand out. "My name is Geoffrey Newton."

I could only stare at his hand and eventually he dropped it, looking disappointed. Newton. Well, that explained the resemblance to Mike. Belatedly I realized I was supposed to give him my name.

I tried to smile but it came out more like a grimace. "Hi. I'm Macy," I said, deciding that Bella might scare him if he knew the name of the girl who had disappeared. "No, I'm not from around here. My fa…grandfather knew someone that used to live here. I thought I would stop by and check it out."

He smiled in return. "Well than it's strange that you never heard the story. No one has lived here since the girl's dad died."

'My grandfather and the man err.. lost touch. Do you know how the father died?"

Geoffrey shook his head. "No, sorry." He saw my face fall and hastened to continue. "I don't really no much more, but what I do know I'd be more than happy to tell you. Maybe over dinner?" Yeah, this kid was definitely related to Mike. Part of me couldn't help but be amused at the thought of what he would do if he knew his grandfather had hit on me just like him.

I shook my head. I wanted information, but not about myself. This kid didn't know about Charlie and I wasn't ready to sit with him for several hours, deflecting questions about why I wasn't eating. He was nice enough, but I didn't come here to pursue a relationship with a human. That was more of Edward's thing._ Edward…_

"Thank you but no, I need to be getting back to my family. We have plans for dinner."

His face visibly fell but he reached into his pocket anyways. "OK, well, if you change your mind, here's my number," he said as he pulled a scrap of paper and a pen out of his pocket. Mentally I rolled my eyes. Who keeps paper and a pen on them when walking the dog? Maybe I was a little prejudiced, given my history with his grandfather, but a part of me suspected the dog was a way to talk to girls.

But I mentioned none of these things. I merely smiled brilliantly and took the sheet of paper now marked with a phone number I would never call. I slipped it in my pocket and said thank you.

He nodded and blinked a bit. "OK, then," he stammered a bit. "Well…hope I hear from you." With that he pulled at the dog's leash and they continued down the street.

I watched until he turned corner and disappeared out of site. Only then did I allow myself to roll my eyes. I turned back to the house, resenting that every time I wanted to go down memory lane someone was always there to bother me.

He left my mind quickly though, as I took what was probably my last look at my old home. It should never have been left in this condition. Charlie should have grown old and left it to me, with the promise that I would never sell it. I should have grown up and brought my children to visit. They would have played on the lawn while Charlie and my husband sat in the living room and watched baseball, while I watched my children and tried be happy that Edward had left me and that I was given an opportunity to have a family.

But it hadn't worked out like that. Instead, I had died and then Charlie had died. His grandchildren had never had the chance to play on the lawn. My husband never watched baseball with his father-in-law.

The house seemed to mourn its loss as well. It seemed so sad. The last memories it had had were sad ones. It had witnessed my mother's leaving, Charlie's bachelor activities, my screaming at Charlie when I had left to protect him, and whatever had happened when I had disappeared.

_But it had happy memories too, _a defiant part of my mind whispered. _It remembers the nights Edward came to you, the afternoons you spent together, the mornings he would pick you up. _I silenced the voice.

_The house probably knows it was a lie too. _

I shook myself, feeling insane. Houses don't have memories and it was a testament to my screwed up thinking that I was imagining they did.

I took one last look at the house and went back to the car.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I knew the next place I should have headed was the cemetery but I still wasn't ready. I merely began to drive, not really paying attention as to where I was going. A few miles away from my subconscious destination, I recognized where I was heading. The Cullen's.

Strangely, I didn't change directions. I merely continued to the house, driving up the wooded driveway, brazenly intruding on my old family's territory.

I got out of my car to look at my second old home. Unlike Charlie's house, this one was still kept in pristine condition. I wondered if the Cullen's paid for someone to keep this place looking brand new or if my earlier fancies were correct. Maybe houses did have something inside them that was alive, and after having vampires living within its walls it had somehow absorbed their ability to live forever.

I snorted. God, being in this place was doing a number on my mind. I had never been a fanciful person so thinking about houses having memories and living forever was ridiculous.

_Stop it_, I thought angrily. _Houses are bricks and wood and paint. Nothing more._ Even so, I couldn't make myself go inside. I didn't feel welcome. So instead I leaned against the car and stared up at the house. This was where I had been the happiest in my life. But knowing what I did now the memories were slightly soured.

I don't know how long I stood there before a thought popped into my head. I was in Forks visiting Edward's old home. Edward was in Forks. It would be reasonable to think that he would come here. He could be here any minute.

Shit.

I looked around frantically, praying he wasn't there hiding somewhere. I couldn't smell him but the wind was blowing and if he weren't upwind then I would no idea of his presence.

I ran back to the car without hesitation and drove off at a dangerous speed my father would never have approved of. I had stalled long enough. I needed to see my father's grave and to stop resurrecting painful memories of Edward. This trip was supposed to be about my father, not my ex. I felt ashamed that I had even let myself think of other things.

I raced to the cemetery but as soon as I got out of my car my pace slowed again. This was something I had been dreading, and in no way was I going to hurry it.

I trudged slowly to where my father was buried. It didn't take me long to locate his plot. My vampire mind quickly analyzed the levels of wear on the stones and it wasn't hard for me to find those within the time period I was looking for. But I came across his grave sooner than I had expected and was yet again taken aback by my emotions. You would think that after such a day I would be ready for more pain but this was different. This wasn't a house with memories . this was my father, lying six feet below where I was standing.

With a small sob I sank to my knees and read the tombstone.

_Charlie Swan_

_Loving Father_

_Devoted Friend_

_Dedicated Officer_

_You will be missed_

"I'm so sorry daddy," I choked. "I love you. I wish you could have known how much I miss you and how this was the last thing I wanted to happen. I hope you're happy wherever you are. Please, for me, just be happy."

I cried, venom tears swimming in my eyes that would never fall. Poor Charlie. Poor, poor Charlie.

Eventually I calmed myself enough to regain awareness of my surroundings. It was dark now, but that didn't matter to me. What took me unaware was the tomb placed next to my father's.

_Bella Swan_

_Loving daughter and friend_

_May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest_

A chill ran through me. I was looking at my own grave. It was eerie.

Someone had left fresh flowers next to the grave as well. Now that I was paying more attention, I saw that an identical bouquet lay next to Charlie's as well. my mind felt like it was spinning. Someone was around to remember us. But who? Everyone we had known was dead or nearly there. Who would still be giving us flowers?

This wasn't something I could just let go. Someone remembered us and I wanted to know whom. But who? I wanted, no needed, to understand this. The only problem was that I wasn't sure where to start.

I sat back, away from my kneeling position until I was fully sitting on the hard ground. I thought hard. If there were any place to begin, it would have to be on the reservation. Billy would be dead and probably Jacob as well, but perhaps they told their children and grandchildren something.

It was a long shot, but it was the only option I could think of, unless I wanted to call that boy Geoffrey. I needed answers, and if it meant learning about my own disappearance, then so be it. I wanted to know.

I stood up, for a moment forgetting my sorrow in the pleasure of having a goal. I looked at the grave in front of me and whispered, "I'm sorry Charlie, I have to go now. I'll be back before I leave."

I raced back to the car and started driving. After leaving my father's grave I could not bring myself to speed but was nearly bouncing in my seat in my agitation. It wasn't too late; barely 8 o'clock, so I figured it was still acceptable to visit. Not that that would have hindered me. I would have banged on every door on the reservation if it meant getting some answers, not caring if it was rude.

I parked a few miles away from where I knew Jacob's old house was. I wanted to run the rest of the way there. Though I was clumsy, it still offered a feeling of release and I would get there much sooner.

I parked my car to the side of the road and ran. Suddenly out of nowhere a smell hit me that stopped me in my tracks. The scent burned my nostrils and halted my in its awfulness. I slowed to a halt, wondering what was going on.

To my left I heard a deep, guttural growl. I turned, and the biggest wolf I had ever seen was crouched low and defensive. This wasn't a normal wolf; it was the size of a bear. I glanced quickly to my right. I wasn't afraid, but I wanted an outlet so as to not hurt the animal. But to my right another wolf was there, snarling and baring its teeth. I looked ahead of me and was stunned. Eleven more wolves were stalking towards me, all looking vicious.

And then something strange happened. The wolves in front of me halted, and the one to my right gave a small yip. In an instant they all disappeared, barreling into the forest.

I stood still for a moment, unsure of what had just happened. As I made to move again, a rustle came from the bushes to my right. I tensed. If it was another wolf again I would be prepared. Something instinctual told me that these were no normal wolves and they were dangerous to me.

But then a man emerged, bare-chested and clad only in a pair of black sweat pants. He looked at me disbelievingly.

"Bella?" he asked, seeming stunned. I would have known that voice anywhere, though I didn't recognize the face.

"Jacob?"

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

EPOV

As I watched Bella leave me on the tarmac at the Seattle airport it took everything I had not to sob aloud in pain. Though I had dedicated myself to winning her back, each rejection was still a brand new knife in my heart every time.

I silently watched as Bella loaded her things and disappeared in the cab. From the looks of it she was bribing the man to take her to Port Angeles. I would need to remember that. Oh wait, I wasn't allowed to go to her.

I sighed. I had sworn that I would do my penance for my sins but it was hell. Not that I deserved any less, but every time she turned her back on me I had to resist the urge not to run to Volterra right then and there. Come to think of it, it would be easy, this far away from the family that would want to stop me…

My phone vibrated in my pocket with a text from Alice.

_Don't you dare, Edward, _it said. _I know what you're thinking and so help me…_

Damn psychic little pixie. I shoved the phone in my pocket but continued to stare at where Bella's cab had disappeared. Though I could no longer see her, I kept looking, imagining that I could see her though the taxi had long since turned the corner. The fact that my clothes still held her scent didn't help me much. Trying to be subtle I lifted the collar of my shirt up to my nose and inhaled deeply.

God her scent, how I had missed it. In the beginning I had hated the way it made my mouth water with venom but now I welcomed it. I had gone through so many years without her scent I welcomed each and every burn in my throat. And now it was even easier, without the human blood element to distract me. This was Bella, pure and simple, and god how I had missed her.

Someone bumped into me with a muffled "excuse me." It was enough to wake me from my self-induced stupor. With a sigh I let go of my shirt and went back inside to rent a car.

Bzzz. Another text, from Alice I assumed. And of course, it was.

_Your car is already reserved. And your hotel is in Port Angeles. Im not sure if it's the same as Bella's but given the fact that my sight went blank on one of them, I put you in the nearest one. Figured Bella didn't want you in the same place ;)_

Inwardly I groaned. I would have loved to be in the same place as her accidently on purpose but apparently Alice was going to have none of that. Sister ties were strong and she would know what Bella would want even without the gift of foresight.

I rented my car and checked into my hotel room without paying more attention than was necessary. I really didn't care about any of it. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered except Bella.

Bella….what did she think of me? Suddenly I realized that I had no clothes with me. I didn't want her to know that I had made a mad dash out of town to follow her (though in all truth I knew she was completely aware of the fact but the pretense helped me). I needed to buy some clothes.

I chose the closest clothing store, not really caring about brand names. I began to grab some jeans and shirts in my size and make my way towards the cashier's counter when my phone buzzed with a text message. It was Alice, of course.

_You jerk! I cant believe the one time you decide to go shopping you do it without me! By the way, don't just go pay for them. Some of the things you picked wont look quite right and I know you want to look nice for Bella __**wink wink**_

I mentally rolled my eyes before typing back _mind your own business pixie._

_Lol. You know better than to doubt me, and trust me, you wont help your case if your pants are riding up your crotch._

Wow. OK, now with that visual I moved to the changing rooms. And as much as I hated her for it, Alice was right. Some of the pants did ride up and I didn't look right in them.

Every time I tried on an outfit I couldn't help but think _Will Bella like this? _or _How will this look to Bella?_ I was truly whipped but I didn't care. I was acting like a stupid girl obsessed with a high school crush but I couldn't help it. Anything that would hurt my case with Bella wasn't worth risking, even if it was a stupid outfit.

By the time I had paid for my clothes and left the store I has talked myself into a paranoid what-if mode. I tried to ignore it but wasn't quite successful. What if Bella decided she didn't want me? What if I was forced to help her become happy with someone else? What if she broke my heart?

I clenched my jaw and merely sat in my car. The paranoia was infuriating. For a moment I hated everything. I hated how I felt around her. I hated how I was putting my heart in her hands. For a moment, I even wanted to hate her, but I didn't have it in me. I loved Bella, body, mind, and soul, and there was nothing I could do to make myself hate her.

I decided to drive to Forks to the old house. Bella was Bella, and she was sentimental. There was a chance she would visit but if she caught me there she couldn't accuse me of following her. After all, it was my home.

I arrived near the home but I didn't drive up the path. If Bella did come, I didn't want to alert her to my presence. I ran the rest of the way there. The house looked good, I noticed. Jenks had done well when he hired someone to take care of the hose. It was in pristine condition.

I didn't go inside. If Bella decided to visit I didn't want to spook her into leaving. Instead I positioned myself and lost myself in the memories.

Bella meeting my family.

Dancing with Bella in my room.

Promising Bella I would keep her safe after James decided he wanted her.

Bella cutting her finger and Jasper attacking her, which caused this entire catastrophe.

My hands clenched and I growled, forcefully pushing the memory away.

_Just push it away Edward, push it away._

I breathed hard and quickly. I didn't want to think of that. I wanted to remember the good times, when I had loved her and she had loved me.

A noise in the distance alerted me. Bella? I watched as an unknown car ascended the drive. It parked in front of the house and Bella got out. To my surprise, she didn't go inside. Instead she merely leaned against the hood of the car and looked up at my old home. I was completely fascinated watching the expressions flit across her face. Love, wistfulness, anger, hurt, confusion, and… desperation? Not for the first time I wished I could know what was going on in that mind of hers.

Suddenly Bella tensed and looked around, her eyes panicked and then she was in her car and speeding away. I let out a growl of frustration and followed her from a distance. Bella's rules be damned, I wanted to know she was ok. I didn't bother with the rental, instead choosing to jog at a pace that was in my opinion, abominably slow.

I followed her to the Forks cemetery. I didn't know what had alarmed her but I knew the reason for her visit here. Charlie.

I watched as she knelt in front of Charlie's grave, crying in great big sobs and gasps. How I wanted to comfort her! But the only way to do that would be to show myself and if I did that she would be even more upset. So instead I stood in the distance, downwind, helpless to hold the love of my existence as she mourned.

She stood up eventually and whispered, "I'm sorry Charlie, I have to go now. I'll be back before I leave." What? Where was she going?

Helpless to do otherwise, I followed her again. God this was awful. By any standard I was a stalker, and it disgusted me. I had always felt nothing but contempt but for those fools that had been obsessed with their women to the point they followed them around town, and now I was one of them. My only justification was that I wanted to make sure she wouldn't need me. Even though she was a vampire now, I could not help the overprotective emotions that always surged through me when Bella was concerned.

I followed her and watched, to my horror, as she parked a few miles away from the La Push reservation.

The beautiful, sweet, little fool! Hadn't her vampire life instilled a sense of self-preservation! What was she thinking? She would be ripped to shreds!

I raced after her, my speed nullifying her advantage of distance. But then a thought occurred to me and I slowed. If I tackled her now, she would hate me even more, both for breaking my promise and for telling her what to do. And it was still mildly possible the wolves wouldn't hurt her immediately. If they knew a Cullen hadn't changed her and if they knew her father and her ties to the reservation, it would be possible she would remain safe for at least a few minutes. It would be enough for her to get behind the border at least. If she was attacked it would be in the first few miles of the border and I would hear their minds before it happened. If they decided to attack, I could be there in moments to protect her. She could yell at me later.

I hated the what-ifs my mind was playing but I was doing all I could to respect her wishes. I knew it was a stupid idea, to let her cross the border, but I didn't have the heart to stop her. If she were in danger, I would know it and take action then. But for now, I would try to remain inconspicuous.

Anger coursed through me, both at Bella and myself. At Bella for being a little fool to put herself in more danger. At myself for being so infatuated with Bella that I would not stop her from putting herself in such a situation if there was a chance she could be happy. I was truly pathetic.

A text message buzzed through my phone.

_If she dies, Edward I will never forgive you._

The simplicity of Alice's message sent reality home for me. What was I doing, leaving her to face the wolves without me?

_You're giving her choice, _a voice whispered in my head. I sighed. Yes, I was, and paradoxically, my love for Bella was the only thing preventing me from going in after her. A third party would tell me I was an idiot, but they wouldn't understand just how precarious our relationship was. If I loved her, I had to allow her to do this. But I would still be waiting in the shadows, ready to swoop down and rescue her if need be.

Lovers are fools, I had heard once, and I heartily agreed. I was a fool.

I sighed again and started pacing outside the borderline. There was nothing to do now but wait

**A/N: ok so here is the last chapter with Edwards POV in it.**

**Not gonna lie, im in a really bad mood right now. I tried talking to my ex fiancé the other day and his new fiancée is really mad about it. Keep in mind, we were engaged right out of high school (4 years ago) and after we broke up we stayed friends and would talk every now and then. But this guy is whipped. He even told me "Look Shannon my fiancée is really not happy that I'm talking to you and we can be friends but that's all and blah blah blah." (part of me still thinks it was the girl texting on his phone) Thing is, I was only calling because we were friends and I wanted to say congrats. Today I got a text from his fiancée telling me that it was inappropriate that I was calling him (in her defense it was 3 in the morning when I called (his time not mine) but im an insomniac and so is he, so I dint think there would be a problem). That was me playing devil's advocate. What makes me mad is I got yelled at after calling a friend to say congratulations. I just want to scream, "I'm not after your guy you stupid paranoid bitch! I had him and decided I didn't want him so get over this idea that I'm out there to steal him! And besides, he lives 1000 miles away!"**

**Im not asking anyone to pick a side, im just mad.**

**Whew. So that's my rant for the day. I did my best to keep it as nonpartisan as possible.**

**But anyways, I'm in a really bad mood, and don't really care right now about the quality of this new addition. Sorry. Im sure ill feel bad tomorrow and apologize in my next post. But right now, im too mad too care.**

**I read something on a fanfic story and I really liked and agreed with it.**

**I write because I love you all, and you all review because you love me. I need reviews guys. Help me out.**


	16. reconciliations with death and memories

**A/N: Ok not much to say here except sorry its been a long time between updates. Im kind of rushing this chapter cuz I got invited out tonight and this is my last week of college (eeeek!) and I don't want to miss it. So yeah. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight and im getting tired of having to state the obvious.**

BPOV

"Jacob?" I repeated. Surely I was imagining things. Jake couldn't be alive, not after all this time. But I recognized the voice.

"Jake…is that really you?" I whispered, taking a hesitant step towards him.

Jacob seemed to be warring with himself, and there was a mixture of pain, anger, and happiness in his eyes. Then something in his face cleared and I could almost here the "ah hell screw it" that went through his mind. He ran towards me and enveloped me in a hug.

I hugged him tightly before I realized that he smelled.

"Yeesh, Jake, you stink," I said as I moved away from him.

He laughed and said, "Yeah you don't smell so great yourself you know. Nice to see you too."

I smiled but then turned serious. "Jacob, what's going on? You should be…I didn't think you'd…you look so young!" I finally finished lamely.

He grimaced. "Bella, I think we need to talk. But first, I need to get you off the rez. You can't be here."

My face furrowed in confusion. "What? Why?"

"We don't let vampires on the property. It's a long story. I'll explain later. Come one, the rest of the guys are really not happy right now and I'm gonna be in some deep shit later as it is."

I nodded and we ran back the way I came. I tried to keep my pace as slow as his but kept having to stop to wait for him. That was me, Bella the vampire with only two switches: fast and slow. Some things would never change.

We made it back to the area I had parked my car when Jacob halted and started sniffing the air. He growled.

"I can't believe you're still with that guy."

"What?" I was confused. What guy? And then the breeze blew by me and I recognized the scent. "That son of bitch!"

Jacob looked at me curiously. "And here I thought I was the only one who talked about the bloodsucker that way."

"I told him not to follow me," I fumed. " He's like the worst case of stalker ever."

Jacob laughed. "I'm glad we finally agree on that. He's gone now though. Do you mind if we sit here?" he asked, gesturing towards the hood of my car. "It'll make it easier for me to get back to my punishment."

I nodded and sat on the hood of the rental car. "Why are you going to be punished? And why the hell do you look 20 something instead of 80 something? And what were those wolves doing? And how the freaking hell did you know I was a vampire?"

Jacob stopped me with his hands, waving off my barrage of questions. "Jeez Bells one at a time! I'm going to be in trouble cuz I called the wolves off. Your kind isn't allowed on the reservation. I'm sorry but that's the way it has to be. In fact, I doubt we'll be meeting each other very often after this. Our kinds don't mix and it's kind of hard being around you with the smell and all." He looked at me and smiled sadly.

I was still as confused as ever. "What do you mean, our kind?"

Jacob sighed. "Bella, I'm a werewolf. Those wolves you saw were my pack. And we're, for lack of a better word, the mortal enemies of vampires." I wasn't looking at him at the time, but I could practically hear him rolling his eyes as if he were explaining something that should be fairly obvious.

I turned back, incredulous. "What?" I couldn't help the disbelief that colored my voice any more than I could help the laughter that caught in my throat.

"Bella, you know vampires exist. Why is it so hard to believe other creatures do too?"

Huh. Well he had a point. But still, I'd known about vampires most of my life. Anything else was still a bit to take in.

"So," I asked, trying to sound casual. "Do unicorns exist too? Because I have got to tell you, I was always convinced they did when I was little."

Jacob gave me a withering look. "Do you want to hear this or not?"

"Sorry," I said with a sheepish shrug. "It's just a bit of a revelation. Go on."

Jacob eyed me for a moment, obviously judging whether or not I was going to make any more jokes before he continued. Satisfied, he began to speak again.

"I found out about the whole werewolf thing a couple weeks before you disappeared. I had known something was up with some of the other guys on the rez, like they were in a secret club or something that I wasn't allowed into. And then one day, it just….came over me. I don't want to go into it, but it was a really awful time. And the timing wasn't perfect either. I wasn't allowed off the reservation, and when you disappeared, I wasn't allowed to go help find you."

He stopped for a moment and his eyes were pained. "At least, that's what everyone around the reservation was told. If it got out, they wanted people to think that I was sick and that's why I wasn't able to join the search parties. But actually, I already knew what had happened to you. I was there, Bella."

My eyes widened.

"I was with the pack. Actually, it was my first time out, and they were letting me go through the ropes, so to speak. And then we smelled vampire. We headed in the direction of the scent, but the bloodsu- er, vampire was gone. And you were there, screaming your head off. "

A memory ran through my head.

_Macy with wide eyes the day I met her._

"_We brought you back here. Someone had attacked you and left. We don't know why. And then we discovered the wolves. Did you know they saved you? They were there when we arrived. It was incredible, watching them transform. By the way, did you know they can't morph with their clothes on?" She looked back up at me, an excited little girl who knew a secret. "They were naked! And not bad looking if you ask me. If you could handle the smell. But anyways," she said, obviously embarrassed again, "that's not important. The wolves apparently drove your attacker off, and that's when we came. They asked us to take care of you. They knew what was happening, but for some reason they stressed that they would never hurt you. You must be some kind of lucky._

It made sense now. Strangely, I had never asked her to explain. But now things seemed to fall in to place. I nodded for Jacob to continue.

"Vampires came into the clearing while we were trying to figure out what to do with you. I think the only reason Sam didn't order the attack immediately is that they didn't have the same smell as the one that attacked you. Sam seemed to think it was best if you went with them. After all, it was the only vegetarian group of vampires we knew outside the Cullens, and none of had the heart to kill you. And if we killed them, we didn't know you wouldn't become the vampires we were sworn to protect against."

It was strangely painful, hearing about my death this way. I could tell Jake was trying to be as nonpartisan as possible, but the edge had crept into his voice. Surprisingly myself, I took the opportunity to defend the man I loathed.

"Jake…the person who attacked me…it wasn't Edward."

He was still peering into the darkness when he answered a few moments later. "WE knew that. To be honest, it's the only reason we didn't hunt the Cullens down. I would have taken any excuse. I know he had something to do with it in some way, but as they didn't violate the treaty, Sam wouldn't start the war."

"What treaty?" I asked. This experience was almost surreal and I berated myself for not looking more closely into the origins of my attack. I snorted silently to myself. Guess I was too wrapped up in Edward to really care.

"Our ancestors met the Cullens a long time ago when they were caught hunting on our lands. The deal was made as long as they didn't kill a human or turned them, they would have their territory and we would have ours. WE would keep the peace until they violated it."

Again I was confused and wished Edward would have explained things to me when were dating. At least then I wouldn't be sitting here feeling like an idiot. "So when you said your pack…you're not the leader? I guess I assumed you were."

Jacob shook his head. "No, I am. My grandfather was Alpha, and when he died, I inherited the title. I didn't want it, so I gave it to Sam. But when he stopped shifting, I took over. He died a few years ago."

"Wait. He died? But you're only a few years younger than him. You're still so…" I floundered.

Jacob looked at me and smiled. "Young? Virile? Attractive?"

I shrugged and gave him a small smile. "Well, yeah except for that last one."

He made a point of pointedly ignoring my joke. "You see, when a person stops shifting, they begin to age. Everyone else stopped a few years after they found their imprint. I didn't find mine until –"

"Slow down. What's an imprint?"

""Oh yeah. Right. There's this thing about werewolves. When you meet the person you're supposed to be with for the rest of you life, it's your imprint. It's like your world is suddenly rearranged the moment you see the person. The instant you look at here, invisible steel cable attach between you two. It's no longer about you and your life. Every breath, every thought, every second you're alive is focused on her. It's kind of like gravity disappears. You're no longer held to the world because of it. You're held there because of her. She is your reason for living."

To me it sounded ridiculous, but I didn't want to tell Jacob that. I didn't have much time with him, and I didn't want to spend it insulting him.

So instead I shrugged. "So did you meet your…imprint?"

The smile that lit up his face would have been radiant if he didn't look so goofy. "I did," he said. " Her name is Renesmee and she's wonderful. You should see her Bells. She's beautiful with curly red hair and these deep green eyes and ooof!"

I had elbowed him in the gut. "Stop!" I said laughing. "I don't think you want me to fall in love with her too."

He grinned. "Right. Well, I was the only one that didn't meet their imprint within a few years of the beginning. So I just kept shifting and keeping up the youthful appearance. I only met her a few years ago, and by the time I did, there was a whole new batch of young werewolves to keep in place. We're not sure why. Maybe it's my fault for continuing to live in both bodies, maybe there were more vampires in the area, we don't know. Anyways, I took over training them. It was one of their first times out when we met you. You have no idea how hard it was to get them to leave. I had to give them orders. I've never had to do that before and I hated it." I saw him shudder a little.

"I'm sorry," I said, at a loss for something else. He shrugged.

"So, there you have it. The whole werewolf thing. I probably wouldn't have told you but you were my friend and I missed you every day."

My eyes watered with venom tears. "Jake, I missed you too." There was so much more I wanted to say but I couldn't find the words.

We sat for a few minutes in silence before I began again. "Jacob, about my death…"

He sighed and looked to the side of the forest I wasn't in front of. "We took care of it," he said quietly. We staged it to look like a bear attack. Shredded clothing, the blood you had spilled from the attack, a big mess in the clearing. The lack of a body was the only thing that had people searching. Which, of course, they never found."

"Oh," I said softly. It hurt. It probably shouldn't have, but it did. I probably should have been grateful to the wolves, but all I could feel was a numbing sadness. It was like I had learned how a friend had died, not how my death was faked. The place where my heart had beaten now ached.

"And Charlie?" I whispered.

It took him a few seconds before he turned to look me strait in the eye and answered. I saw a flash of anger on his face. Not directed at me, but at the situation itself.

"I'm not gonna lie, Bells," he said softly. "It was bad. He nearly went insane. He didn't sleep, he had panic attacks, and he started talking to himself. Or maybe he was talking to you, I don't know. But a few months afterwards he had a heart attack. I think it was because of everything that happened. But this woman named Sue Clearwater nursed him though it. They got married a few years later. He died about thirty years ago, a year after Sue. I don't think he was really good at taking care of himself, and after you left, Sue was there to pick up the pieces. When she went, he kind of gave up."

"Was he…" I licked my lips. "Was he happy?" I didn't know if I could bear it if Charlie had been miserable because of my death.

Jacob looked at me sharply. "Happy? Bells, I don't know. He was never the same after you left." I couldn't stifle the sob that came from my chest, but Jacob hurried to continue. "He wasn't unhappy, though. Sue was a godsend. She made sure he kept on living, and I think he was at least content. But he did change after you."

I looked away, trying to control my face. "He was never a talkative guy, but he got quieter after you left. Sometimes when Billy and I would go visit, we would find him in your room just sitting there. He was the most withdrawn after times like that."

"Jake…I went to my old house. My old furniture was still there. Everything else had been removed, but all my old things were exactly where I left them."

He nodded. "After Charlie died, he left the house to me in his will, on the condition I never sell it. He said I could get rid of all the furniture in there, but I was not to touch your room. He said if you ever came back you wouldn't want to see it sold to someone else and you wouldn't want anyone to change your room. I don't think he ever really believed the bear attack. He saw me and how I never aged, but when I tried to talk to him about it, he said he didn't want to know. SO I think he was hoping something like that had happened to you."

I managed a smile at that. "Charlie was always more perceptive than he let on."

Jacob shrugged. "To be honest, I think it's what kept his insanity intact. He had to believe you weren't really gone."

I sighed. Poor Charlie. Poor me. If I had known Charlie believed I had been alive in some way, I would have gone to him. Just once, to say goodbye. Oh what a cruel world we all lived in!

Jacob echoed my sigh and then hopped off the car hood. "Look, Bella, as much as I love catching up with you, I really need to go. Renesmee will be waiting and I don't know how much longer I can handle the smell."

I nodded and got up as well. "Can I…can I see you again before I go? It just doesn't feel right, talking to you to figure things out and then leave you again. Besides, I've really missed you."

Jacob hesitated for a moment before nodding. "Ok," he said. "I'd like to see you too. But this time, call first. I wont be able to hold the wolves back a second time."

I nodded and he scribbled down his number on a piece of paper from my car.

"So," he said awkwardly. "I guess that's it."

I nodded, unsure what I was supposed to do at this point. Did I shake his hand? Hug him? Kiss his cheek? And just like he had done before, I decided to go with my emotions and hurled myself at him. I wrapped him in a tight hug and after a moment, he squeezed me even tighter.

"Bye Jake," I whispered.

"Bye Bells," he whispered back.

And then he disentangled himself and walked away. I watched until my eyes could no longer penetrate the darkness and the trees obliterated his figure.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

After Jake left I stood next to my car for god knows how long. I needed to get back to the hotel. There was nothing more I could do here and I should take a shower.

But I didn't want to leave Forks just yet. I had come here to get closure and I had done that, mostly. I would visit Charlie's grave and see Jacob one last time, but that was for tomorrow. And now….the hotel was waiting. There was nothing else to do.

I was trying hard to convince myself of this. So desperate was I not to go to the last place that I would use any reasoning to avoid it. Then I sighed. No, if I left without going there…I would have gone here for nothing. The main place I needed to say goodbye to was waiting.

I got into my car and took the one-ten to the other side of town. I parked and steadied myself, taking a deep breath.

_Now or never, Bella._

With a mental nod I squared my shoulders and again headed into the woods.

I took my time getting there and so slowly I moved that I managed not to trip over any tree roots or broken trunks. I was dreading this. This was one of the main reasons I had flown here and yet it was the one thing I was forcing myself to go through with. My steps fell heavy and they seemed loud amidst the quietness of the trees.

_One step at a time, Bella. Just put one foot in front of the other and try not to think about what lies ahead._

I listened to the voice as it coaxed me onward. Just one step at a time. Maybe then I wouldn't notice when I arrived. If I just kept looking at my feet I wouldn't see the destination.

But I did. The moment my feet encountered grass instead of twigs and leaves I couldn't help but look up. And the pain that ricocheted through my body was staggering.

Time could go by and people could grow old and die. Technology could change and new buildings would be built and old ones would be torn down. There would be scandals and love stories and headlines. But I should have known better than to think that anything could have happened here.

The meadow. It was exactly as I had remembered it. Even in the darkness I knew it hadn't changed. This was where I had fallen in love. This place had been a metaphor of that love, Unending and refusing to bend to time. Wait. No, it wasn't. It used to be. But now, it was a memory, one that I had to let go.

I moved farther in, and sat down, wrapping my arms around knees. This place had given me so many significant turning points in my life. The first time I had been here, I had plunged headlong into a world that had never allowed me to escape.

With that thought, I began to cry again. I cried for myself, for my lost life as a human, for the pain I had been through and the memories that would never stop torturing me. I even cried for Edward. I cried until it felt like every piece of my soul had been wrung dry and I was empty.

I began looking around, imprinting every view into my mind before I let it go. This was it. This was the last time I would mourn. I had said it before, but this time was doing what needed to be done in order to close this chapter of my life. Maybe in a few years, now that I was saying goodbye, I could just let it go.

But then a sound was made behind me, a sound no human would be able to hear, a sound no human would make. Without turning around I answered as calmly as I could.

"Hello, Edward."

**A/N: Ok im sorry it's really short but like I said, I gotta go. It's a bit of a boring chapter so I don't blame you if you skimmed it. But like the rest of them, chances are I'll be reposting it. But for now, gotta go. Meeting some friends and im not even dressed. **

**Love ya!**


	17. no lies, just love

**A/N: Hello everyone! Missed me? I missed you.**

**OK look, i've been thinking about something I feel the need to say something. I began writing this fan fiction because personally I didn't like how Bella handled the New Moon Edward-comes-back-and-is-instantly-forgiven thing. But that is the one thing I decided to change. I want to say right now that I don't approve of Edward's intention to kill himself. In retrospect, I probably should have changed that too. But I was trying to stick as closely to the story as possible, minus my OOC Bella. But I want to say now that I do not, and never have approved of suicide. I've had people close to me kill themselves, and it is a very selfish act and I don't like that Edward wants to do away with himself if Bella doesn't want him. But that's the way the story goes, and I was just trying to stick to the script. I just want to say now that Edward's intentions in no way reflect my personal views and personally if someone wanted to kill himself or herself if I didn't want them it would just make me mad. **

**Ok. Rant over. So…here's the new chapter. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own crap.**

BPOV

When I was human, it always intrigued me that the Cullens never celebrated their birthdays. Personally, I would have liked to tally up the years I had survived. But as a vampire, I understood.

I've come to think of candles on a birthday cake as a metaphor for life. When you are young, you blow out five or ten candles and make a wish that only comes true if you blow them all out in one breath, and its easy. But as you get older, more and more candles are added to the cake and it becomes harder and harder to blow them all out. Just like your wishes. As you grow older, you realize with each candle how it becomes more difficult to achieve your goals and how the next year will only make it more so. Wishes are no longer the magical fix-all solution and with every year you're reminded of everything you haven't accomplished in life. Eventually, you stop bothering with the candles. It's too hard to blow them all out, or for people like me, you don't want the reminder of how much harder life has become.

When I became a vampire, I stopped blowing out my candles. I didn't want the reminder that every goal I wanted to accomplish became nullified when we had to move over and over again. My life was filled with unaccomplished goals, beginning with my goal of falling in love and spending eternity with Edward.

Which was why now that he was behind me in our, or rather, his meadow, I couldn't stop the shakes running through my body and was barely able to contain my impulse to either A) run away or B) turn around and beat the living daylights out of him or C) turn around and kiss him senseless. In fact, I believe that it was my indecision that kept me from doing any of the three.

I was quite proud of myself for how steady my voice was when I spoke. "Hello, Edward."

He remained silent behind me and yet I still refused to turn around. I allowed the silence to drag on uncomfortably. I wasn't worried that I had gotten the person wrong. Edward's sweet scent floated towards me on the winter wind and brought back so many memories, some so beautiful I wanted to cry, some so painful I wanted to scream in rage.

Finally he spoke. "Hello, Bella." I closed my eyes hearing him say my name. It had been 68 years for god sakes. It shouldn't bother me so much to hear my name on his lips. It's just a word.

This time it was my turn to remain silent. But I would not be the first to speak this time. A fierce resentment boiled up within me. What was he doing here? I was here first. I told him that I didn't want to see him while I was in town but he didn't listen, and now here I was, alone and obviously vulnerable. He didn't deserve to see that side of me anymore.

And so I sat there, waiting for him to speak. He was so close I could almost feel him, could almost feel the sensation of his once cold body caressing mine. I didn't have the courage to turn around for fear that he might be reaching out to me, debating on whether or not to touch me.

The silence continued to drag on and my resentment increased. What was he doing? Did he just follow me to distract me when I was trying to let him and our memories go? But if that were the case, why would he do that? Surely he wouldn't be cruel enough to force me to hang onto the memory of a one sided love. He wasn't that heartless, right?

When I was just about to break and speak, which would have destroyed all my self-worth and respect, Edward finally spoke again.

"What are you doing?" His voice was quiet and in my angry yet wistful state, I thought it sounded rough and pained.

But I didn't acknowledge my imagination's personification of his voice. Instead I merely shrugged and said quietly, "I'm saying goodbye."

"Goodbye?" His voice was puzzled. "Goodbye to what?"

"To Forks," I said with another shrug. "To my old home, to Charlie, to all the memories I had that used to mean to something to me."

"Used to? You mean they no longer mean something to you?"

"I mean that I'm letting them go. After this, they can't mean anything to me. I can't handle them plaguing me anymore. What are you doing here?" The question was pointless. I already knew the answer. He came after me. But I was looking for an opening for inevitable fight.

"I came after you." His voice was quiet but he sounded sincere.

I snorted. "Yeah, I figured. By the way, Jake and I smelled you at the border. I told you I didn't want to see you. This is stalking, Edward. You're stalking me and I don't like it. It's inconsiderate, creepy, and just plain messed up."

"I know," was all he said.

"You know? Is that it? You're not going to apologize? Because I feel I deserve an apology for having some crazy ex-boyfriend following me."

"I'm not crazy. And I can't apologize. Because I have something I need to say to you."

"I don't want to hear it, Edward!" I was silently begging him to leave me alone. "Please, just leave me alone. I jut want to forget."

"Bella," his voice was earnest this time. "You don't mean that. You can't do that. You're not the kind of person who can just let go of a life. I know you can't, because I know you."

Wait. What? Did he just say he knows me? After 68 years he thinks he can walk back into my life and say, "I know you?" In that moment all the anger and rage and resentment overflowed and coursed through my veins.

I whipped around to face him, still seated on the grass. The movement probably caused grass stains on the backs of my jeans, but in my anger I was completely oblivious to it. I stood up in the next instant, towering over him.

"You know me?" I whispered angrily, loudly. "You know me?" I was aware I was repeating myself but I couldn't stop, no matter how ridiculous it sounded. I was so stunned over how arrogant those few simple words were that for a moment my mind struggled for coherent thought.

In my haze of rage and despair, I fell silent, desperately trying to string together a simple sentence. In that pause, he spoke.

"Yes, Bella, I know you."

I reverted back to the words I spoke to him when he left me. "How fucking dare you," I growled.

His eyes widened, just like they had that day so many years ago. I still took a perverse pleasure that I could shock him with my language. Seeing his discomfiture, I regained my head and a shred of my confidence. Suddenly the haze lifted, and I knew exactly what I wanted to say to him, the things that had been simmering in me for almost a century. I had always known this day would come, because with eternity in our horizon it was inevitable that we would meet someday. And finally, thankfully, I was ready.

I glared into his eyes. By now he was standing as well, and though I mildly resented the fact that I had to tilt my chin up, my fury propelled me onward.

"How dare you tell me you know me, you arrogant son of a bitch?" I stabbed my finger into his chest to emphasize my point. He winced a little but remained in his place." It's been 68 years, Cullen. 68 long fucking years and now you think you can just waltz back into my life and tell me you know who I am? In what sort of world does that work? Does it work for other girls? Ditch them and then later tell them you understand them and then they magically fall into your arms? Hell, maybe that might have worked 67 years ago with me, but not anymore. I've changed, sweetheart. I'm stronger now, and you can't bullshit me anymore."

I let my finger fall away from my chest and took a step back, breathing hard. I was nowhere near finished but it felt good to release a little steam so I didn't lose all control.

But Edward was having none of that.

Instead of walking away, which I half hope for, half dreaded, he continued to stare at me for a moment. A human wouldn't have noticed the slight hesitation, it happened so quickly, but I did. But then he began to speak again.

"Yes Bella, I know you, even after all these years." He took a step towards me. Instinctively I took a step back. He took another step and again I retreated. The dance continued until my back was pressed up against a tree and the realization hit me. He had been _herding_ me. He wanted me with my back against the wall, so I would have no choice but to listen to him.

He stood close to me, maybe an inch between us. I could feel the tension rolling off him and my own confusion of having him so near. I continued to glare at him resolutely, my eyes never betraying how uncomfortable I was.

Edward continued. "Even after 68 years I know the person you are. You're Bella. You're the girl who never knew how to keep herself out of trouble. When you were human you would blush incessantly. You cried every time I would play your lullaby. When we kissed, you always tried to push it farther than what was safe. When you told me you loved me, your eyes shone and your voice grew softer."

By now his face was mere millimeters from mine, and I saw his eyes move from mine to my lips. Oh god, if he were to kiss me now…I wanted him to. God how I wanted it.

Without a second thought I pushed him away, hard. I moved away from the tree and moved forward, towards Edward but at a lightly different angle so that we were still facing each other but I wasn't so close to him.

I shook my head stubbornly. "I've changed. I'm not the pathetic human you used to know."

Edward just smiled. I hated him for the smug arrogance in that smile. "You're different, yes, but I still know you." His eyes smoldered and I had to look away for fear of falling into them.

In an attempt to steel myself, I sought desperately to summon again the rage from before. And it was still there, ready and waiting. With less than a moment's thought, it came back to me full force.

"You don't know shit about me, Edward," I hissed and looked at him with ice in my gaze. "Those were facts. Facts about a life that doesn't even exist anymore. You don't know who I am. If you did, you never would have done what you did. You would have known better than to fuck with my emotions. You would have known just how badly I would take it, and how it would absolutely destroy me. Destroy me, Edward! You played with me head but apparently didn't know me well enough to know just how goddamn fragile I was! You don't know me, the person I was or the person I am now." I closed my eyes and turned away slightly, trying to leash the rage that threatened to consume me and make this argument irrational. I still had things I wanted to say.

Again, it was silent for a long time before Edward started again. "Bella, if you only knew how sorry I am for what happened…"

I lifted my eyes back again to his, not in eagerness to hear his explanation but in incredulousness to the fact that he thought he could just apologize this away.

So stunned was I, I couldn't make a sound. Edward took advantage of my silence and moved towards me again. I warned him against getting too close with my eyes. He stopped a few feet away before he tried again.

"Bella, I am so sorry. I love you. I never stopped. You have to understand, I did it for you. I loved you so much that I couldn't bear to put you in more danger. I knew there was no way you could love me as intensely as I loved you, so I thought I would be the only one who would permanently suffer." His eyes pleaded with me.

He meant to placate me but his words only further enraged me in so many levels. I took the first reason, of how he had no right to make my decisions for me. I knew the most important fact, the one where I didn't believe a word that was coming out of his mouth, could wait for later. Right now all wanted to do was shoot holes in his lies before I told him what a shit he was for lying to me.

"You bastard," I half whispered, half screamed at him. "Who are you to say I don't have a voice in the decisions? Do you think I'm that stupid, that unaware of life that I couldn't decide for myself? Or what, is it because you grew up in a time when women were supposed to be seen and not heard? Was I supposed to sit there and think what you told me to think? It was my life too, Edward. I have a right to decide what happens in it! And you, being the most arrogant, selfish, oblivious man with a god complex that has ever walked the earth, thought that you could just take that away from me! You make me sick! I hate you!"

He visibly flinched at the last words I spoke, and my heart broke to see the pain in his eyes. But I told myself he would get over it. Most likely the only problem was that Edward couldn't stand the idea that one of his former conquests didn't want him anymore. Maybe I would leave an impression on him after all. I would go down in history as Bella, the only girl that never let Edward Cullen take advantage of her for a second time. On the plus side, at least he would never forget me. Not that vampires ever forgot anything, but still. One of his candles that he couldn't blow out would the fact that he couldn't win me over again.

Edward closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. When he opened them again, they shone fierce with determination. He looked so intense I caught my breath.

"Bella, you have every right to hate me. I can't blame you for it. But please, just listen to me." His eyes, his voice, even his body was entreating me to listen. Grudgingly, I remained silent, allowing to him to continue.

"I swear to you, on everything that is holy, that I never stopped loving you. What I did to you was wrong. You're right. It was arrogant and self-centered and it really does indicate that I have a bit of a god complex. But I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. And I have spent every day for the last 68 years regretting the worst mistake of my life. "

It was too much. If I kept looking at him I would give in. With a grimace that I'm not sure I completely hid, I turned away. But Edward ignored my movements and kept on going.

"You have been in my mind for every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every long year since I left you. Bella, my darling, my light and my love, I miss you so much. If you could just tell me something, anything, to give me hope, I would be happy."

I shook my head, my back still to him. "I can't," I whispered.

"Bella, please. I love you so much."

"Shut up!" I screamed, spinning around to face him again. "Just shut up! I don't want to hear your lies!" I closed my eyes tightly and childishly clasped my hands to my ears as if to block out his words.

Suddenly I felt cool fingers encircling my wrists. I opened my eyes and Edward was mere inches away again, his eyes soft and pleading. Gently he pulled my hands away from my head.

"No lies, Bella," he whispered. "Just love." And then, as my breathing hitched and my resolutions began to fade and all I was aware of was the sensation of having him so close, Edward kissed me.

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EPOV

Kissing Bella again in the meadow was the most existential, exhilarating, glorious, joyous moment of my life. In fact, I wasn't even sure there was a word to describe just how I felt at that moment.

One second I was gripping her wrists, with every intention to plead my case, but in the next moment I was looking into her topaz eyes so soft and vulnerable, and my lesser nature overcame me. But in this case, I couldn't resent it. I didn't care what had overcome me because it had led me to this.

I poured everything I had been feeling for the last 68 years into that kiss. I poured my anger, wretchedness, pain, desire, longing, love, and a million other emotions into that moment, desperate to make her understand just how much I had missed her, suffered for her, ached for her.

Looking back, I know I could have handled it differently. When I kissed her, she became stiff and unresponsive. But I didn't stop. Instead I growled in frustration and pressed my lips against her harder. And for just one moment, I knew she loved me.

For just that moment, I felt her body relax and press into mine, and she sighed into my mouth. I tangled my hands in her hair and pulled her lips closer to mine, if that were possible. She returned the gesture, wrapping her hands around my head and trying to bring me closer. This was the moment I had been longing for, praying for death so that I had a chance of experiencing it again. I loved this woman and would follow her to the ends of the earth, even if it meant my death. I loved her. This was my darling my light and my love, and she was kissing me back.

I used her sigh as an opportunity to slip my tongue into her mouth and I heard her begin to whimper.

And then it was over.

Suddenly something hit me hard and I went flying into the air. I slammed into a tree, breaking it in half and looked up, stunned and dazed.

Bella was breathing hard, an agonized look on her face. "No," she said, almost to herself. "No no no no no no no no no no no!" She clutched her head in her hands and bent slightly over, her eyes shut in pain.

I stood; ready to go to her, when she looked back up at me, horrified.

"No," she whispered. And then, in that instant, she whirled around and ran.

This time, I didn't go after her.

**A/N: ****pokes head up from behind the couch in the hopes that no one will start to yell*******

**Sigh. So thus ends the angstiest chapter yet of My Darling, My Light, and My Love.**

**Please, no flames. This chapter needed to happen for my story. I welcome criticism but please guys don't yell at me. All will be explained later.**

**Ok, not gonna lie, but I've really been looking forward to this chapter. I know I say this a lot, but I promise you I will be revising this one. I want this chapter to be perfect, and I promise you, eventually it will be. **

**But because this is my favorite chapter, I'm asking more from you guys. I haven't set a minimum number of reviews in a long time, but I'm doing it now. 15 reviews and I will post another update, not counting the revised version of this on. **

**OK guys, my boyfriend is about to get home and I need to make dinner. So….yeah. Love you all!**

**P.S. Please, again, no flames**


	18. waiting and hating

**A/N: So I know in my last chapter I said I wasn't going to update unless I got 15 but lets face it, I have no willpower and 13 is good enough. And I still plan on fixing the last chapter but I plan to save that for a time when im not feeling all hyped up and productive.**

**Disclaimer: My boyfriend just bought me a glasses case with a baby elephant on it because I am just that dorky. I now own said glasses case. But I don't own twilight. As usual.**

LPOV

_Shit shit shit!_

I closed my eyes in frustration as I slammed my laptop closed. I'd been trying all night to find out where Bella was and now as the sun was coming up I still had no idea where she was. Her letter said she had gone to Forks. But no hotel had a listing for a Bella or Isabella O'Shannon and it was driving me insane.

I wasn't trying to check up on her; I was worried. I wanted to talk to her, find out when she was coming home, and most importantly, see if anyone was with her in her hotel room.

Maybe worried wasn't the best word. Panicked and jealous were probably closer, but I didn't want to think I had stooped so low into such human emotions.

But cards on the table, I was panicked and jealous. Panicked because I had thought I was important enough to her to warrant a goodbye before she left. If she left in a panic herself, did that mean she didn't give a thought to me? Did it mean I didn't have a chance with her? It also scared me as to what she was doing back in Forks. What might she discover there?

And god help me but yes, I was jealous. I saw the way that other vampire had looked at her, and how violent her reactions to him had been. She had told me her story and had told me how much she hated him but I was beginning to think that he didn't repulse her as much as she claimed. I had never seen her that animated before, and she had barely talked to him. But then again, maybe I was being paranoid. Maybe it was just seeing her old family that had brought forth such a reaction.

But I couldn't stop this green monster from gnawing at my heart. What did _he _think of her leaving? Did he even know? If he did, did he follow her? He was from the town, I'm sure he was a good enough liar to give a plausible reason.

And there it was. The main reason for both my panic and my jealousy. Edward Cullen.

I hated him. I hated him with such intensity it was a little surprising. But then again, I totally understood it. HE had used and destroyed the girl I was fast falling for, and then left her in the middle of the woods. Where she was left alone unprotected from…. Unprotected from what wasn't important. What was important was that he had hurt her. And just when she was starting to pick up her life, he came back.

Frustration over swept me again. Why did he have to come back now? I had just met this girl, was learning her. I was falling for her, almost ready to put everything on line and tell her my secret and hope that she cared about me enough to still give me a chance. But now _he was_ back, and it made things so stupidly complicated.

I sighed and leaned back in my chair, rubbing my eyes more out of habit than anything else. . I had spent a long time relearning human habits, and it had gotten to the point I did them unconsciously.

"Luciaaaaaan!" Macy's voice called from downstairs. "C'mon. School!"

Was it just my imagination or was Macy a little shorter this morning than usual? Maybe she didn't like Bella's sudden departure either.

"Hey, are you taking the bike today?" Macy asked as I walked reluctantly down the stairs.

"Um, yeah, why?" I was confused. I always took the bike. I didn't see why today would be different.

"I thought…well…you know…Bella isn't here now. I thought you might want the company." Macy shrugged and looked away, seeming embarrassed. This instantly made me feel a little embarrassed, though I wasn't sure why.

Even with the embarrassment, I couldn't make myself say yes to a car ride with the rest of them. Macy was sweet, but the other two…Micah was too quiet and Aston was, frankly, a bit of an ass.

I shook my head. "Thanks but no. I like riding the bike. Gives me a chance to go fast in public. You know how it is."

Macy nodded, obviously not knowing but letting it go.

I brushed past her, feeling a little bad for being so short but leaving just the same.

I kicked the bike into gear and drove off, for just that moment thinking about nothing more than the speed and the wind.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

School was, as it always was, boring. Not just boring, but drop dead kill me now so I don't have to listen to the same information for the god knows how many time kind of boring. There was one time the teacher was about to call on me but I glared in such a manner that he hastily redirected his question. Being a scary vampire did have its perks.

Things got interesting at lunch though.

Since the episode with the Cullens a few days ago, things had been a little tense, to put it lightly. At school we were aware of each other, stared at each other in the halls, glared across the cafeteria at one another, but we all hadn't talked. It was like some unspoken truce, leave me alone and I wont bother you kind of thing.

But today was different.

I had just said goodbye to Katie, and settled into my seat with the O'Shannons. I was just beginning to start my part in the new tradition of watching the Cullens and glaring when Macy slammed down her tray and muttered, "Screw it. This is stupid."

Micah, Aston, and I watched in amazement as she bounded over to the Cullen's table. To all of our utter disbelief, we heard her say cheerfully, " Hi! OK, so I know it's been kinda weird with all of us at the same school and all, but I was hoping we could put that aside. Do you want to join us for lunch? Vegetarians need to stick together you know."

They all looked at the girl named Alice, whose eyes were unfocused for a moment and then smiled.

"I think we would like that," she answered for all of them. The beautiful blonde seemed pissed but followed the others as they took their trays and headed towards the table we were sitting at.

One by one they all sat down. I knew my face betrayed my incredulousness, but the others stayed true to their natures. Micah's look of surprise was quickly covered and Aston just looked pissed. Macy had an irritatingly smug look on her pretty face and I would have kicked her under the table to wipe it off, were she sitting across from me. But she wasn't. She had happily sat herself between Alice and the big guy with curly hair.

"OK, so I decided since everyone here knows Bella and loves her we need to learn to be friends," Macy said with a friendly smile. She looked around the table (I managed to think it was lucky that humans were instinctively repelled by us, otherwise we might not have had an extra table for so many people before Macy continued)

"The last time we all met was a little drama filled, so I think this would be a good time to meet on neutral territory." The Cullens yet again looked at Alice, who just grinned and nodded.

The blond male on Alice's other side spoke up. "Alice apparently trusts this to go well, so I'll go first. I'm Jasper Whitlock, or Jasper Haler according to school records."

The others seemed to take their cue from him. Emmett was the burly guy on the other side of Macy, and he seemed friendly enough. The blonde girl was named Rosalie and seemed to fit into the Aston sort of personality, cold and bitchy. Mira was the pretty, quiet one. I had to do a double take on her. She looked so like Bella for a moment I almost thought it was she.

WE introduced ourselves in turn, finally giving them names to put to the faces they had seen. And then it became awkward. None of us seemed to know what to say to each other.

In the manner of Macy before me, I thought to myself, _screw it. Address the elephant in the room._

"There was one more," I said. "A male. Bella called him Edward."

Instantly all the Cullens stiffened except Alice. She waved breezily. "I'm sure you all know Bella and Edward's history," she said. "It's taking a toll on him too. He wanted a few days to collect himself. It's just as well." She looked pointedly at me. "We don't want another fight."

I clenched my fists, willing myself not to overreact. But then Micah spoke up, surprising me.

"We are willing to live in peace, but it is difficult when you lie to us. You of all people should know that it would make us resent and distrust your family."

"It's none of your business what our brother does," Rosalie snapped.

Micah remained calm. "If it concerns Bella, it is our business. She's not your family anymore, she's ours."

Without warning Emmett shot up and leaned forward until he was inches away from Micah's face. "Make no mistake," he growled softly. "Bella is as much a part of this family as she was seventy years ago. Don't act like our love meant nothing."

The air was tense, ready and waiting for the first blow to fly. Only Alice seemed to ignore it. With a sigh she grabbed Emmett's arm and pulled him back to his chair.

"Edward went after Bella," she stated bluntly. "He loves her. HE screwed up and wants to fix it and he figures the only way to do that is to get her alone."

White hot anger seared through me and when combined with the sinking feeling I had all day, it made for a confusing sensation of emotions. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jasper wince and shift in his seat, but my eyes stayed trained on Alice.

She met my gaze steadily.

"He. Went. After. Her?" I managed to bite out. She nodded.

I shoved my seat back and stood up. "I need to go," I said shortly. I looked at Macy. "I'll be back for class don't worry," I told her. And with that I turned and headed out the doors. I needed to run.

X-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I got back to the high school as the bell rang. That was a small plus in my favor. After I had cooled down, I was able to reflect on my behavior with the Cullens. I knew I had been rude, and I did feel a little guilty for it. At least I wouldn't have to add tardiness to the things Bella would disapprove of.

As I made my way to class I wondered if I could apologize to the Cullens. Bella cared about them; I didn't want to alienate the people she loved.

I just needed a way to get to them.

My next class was advanced history with Mr. Gurerro. He was nice enough but the shots of whiskey he put in his coffee were a little off-putting.

But when I walked in, all thoughts of my alcoholic teacher flew out of my mind. There, in the seat next to mine, was the quiet vampire that was so achingly like Bella. Mira, I remembered belatedly. Her name is Mira.

I sat down in my desk and without bothering with pretense said," hello. I didn't know we had this class together. You weren't here yesterday."

She shrugged. "I've done history already. I wanted the advanced level. I'm new enough at this it still seems interesting. Lucian, right?"

I nodded, not fooled by the politeness. She knew who I was, and our memories didn't allow us to forget.

"So," I said, trying to keep the conversation going, "I'm sorry I rushed out at lunch. I'm not really good at dealing with things like that."

She looked at me, her eyes curious and bare. "Like what?"

A woman bustling into the room, bringing with her a cloud of cheap perfume in order to hide the smell of smoke, saved me for a moment. I'm sure the other student just thought she over applied. Mira and I however, had to suffer both scents.

"Mr. Gurerro is sick," she announced in a nasally voice. "I'll be looking after the class today. Please stay in your seats so I can take roll, and after that, as long s you're quiet, feel free to talk amongst yourselves."

I turned back to Mira, whom was still looking at me, desperately trying to come up with a convincing lie and failing miserably. So I told her the truth.

"I'm not good at people discussing other people's love lives, especially not when it concerns someone I care about."

Her face faltered a little and she looked down. " I know what you mean," she said quietly. "If you hadn't made such a scene I would have left too. I didn't want to hear anymore."

"About Edward?" I tried to be gently in my questioning but my voice still came out rough.

She nodded. "When I became…. what I am…he took care of me. He taught me to handle the scent of human blood. He was my only friend." She smiled weakly at me. "This is the first time I've been in school since that night and I owe it to him."

"You love him," I said slowly.

She shrugged again and looked away. "I'm not sure I understand what love is. I was changed as a seventeen-year-old girl who never had her first kiss. I like him. I want to be near him. When he's around I don't feel so out of sorts. I want him to want me. But love?" She raised her gold eyes to mine. "I do think I love him. But how can I know I love him when I am still unsure of what love is?"

"I think you know it when it hits you," I said, thinking of Bella. "And when it does, there isn't any doubt."

She was quiet for a moment before continuing. I took the opportunity to study her. She did look like Bella with her long reddish brown hair and large doe eyes, but upon closer inspection there wasn't much more to identify with. Bella had a hardened look about her that this girl lacked, an air of a young woman who had once gone into the world with hope and had found it disillusioning. Mira didn't seem to have that yet.

She went on. "Edward was there when i changed. He took care of me and helped me. It's kind of hard not to feel a connection after that." She shrugged.

"I suppose it's natural enough," I ventured.

She nodded but stayed silent. And though there was at least 40 minutes left in class, we didn't speak again. We were both too lost in our thoughts.

**A/N: Yeah I'm ending it here, mostly because I'm bored with this chapter. It's really short but oh well. I don't like the chapter and can't make myself continue it. Maybe I'll feel different in the morning.**

**I know I don't like the chapter but please review anyways. This might be important for the story, I haven't decided yet.**


	19. apologies

Hi guys! Listen, im really sorry to be doing this to all of you, but this is only an authors note to apologize for not posting for so long. I promise I really want to, but ive been more busy than should be allowed, and now I'm in law school. I don't know when ill be posting again, but I beg you guys to stay faithful. Im not discontinuing the story, im just asking for a little understanding as I go through the most sstressfl time in my life. I miss the story just as much as you. Them moment I have the time, I promise this will be the first priority. Please don't hate me. I miss you all!


	20. a desperate shot of happiness

**Hello friends! Have you missed me? I've missed you all. I'm sorry it's been so long in posting but you know how it goes. Law school is intense. Hell, even this post is the result of finally getting a moment free and being too tired to go out with friends. I haven't really plotted it out and am kinda writing as it comes to me, so here's hoping it still works. If it doesn't, im sorry. I sort of feel like im cheating you guys, but it's better than nothing, right? Love you all!**

**Disclaimer: I own a beautiful little kitty that has no sense of personal space, but I don't own Twilight**

BPOV

After countless hours spent in a panicked haze, I finally calmed down enough to make my way back to my car and get back to my hotel room. I ignored the concierge's chipper greeting, looking up at her and then moving past, and headed straight to the elevators. I heard her mutter "bitch" under her breath. I clenched my fist in an effort to keep breathing and not respond. She had no idea what a bitch was. A bitch was the person who had dealt with a man that no longer belonged to her in a meadow that was no longer a special retreat. That person had been cruel and angry and very very bitchy.

I flung open my door, barely controlling myself enough not to rip it from its hinges. I sat down on the bed and held my head in my hands.

What if the hell had I just gone through?

He kissed me. That cold, unfeeling bastard had kissed me. How dare he? Why was it so important to him that I still be attached to him? I had known he was arrogant and selfish before, but this crossed all bounds. He didn't want me, but still needed me to want him. And for what? His ego? Or maybe he had noticed my friendship with Lucian. Was he the toddler that started fussing over a toy when someone else was playing with it?

Well, I wasn't his toy.

_Then why did you kiss him back?_ My mind asked me. I groaned and lowered my head farther into my hands. Now they no longer held my head, they clutched it.

_Damn him!_

How could I have kissed him? How? I thought I was smarter than that. I spent so many years despising him and then one seductive look I fucking melted. How could I let myself do that? I felt betrayed by my body, which was obviously on a different wavelength than my mind. I could spend years hating Edward, but the moment I was around him my body remembered his touch and feel, and responded.

What the fuck was wrong with me? I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to let go of this anger, this hateful vitriol, and just begin living a life without pain. And I had been so damn close…

Suddenly, it was hard to breathe, which was strange considering I didn't need the oxygen. My throat closed up and my chest began heaving, but pulled in littler air. As I sat there panting, one thought repeated itself in my mind. I have to get out of here, I have to go home. I have to get out of here, I have to go home.

But I couldn't go home. Not yet. I promised Jacob I would stick around to talk to him, and I was tired of not keeping my promises. And truth be told, I missed Jake. I missed him in the way an amputee misses his old leg. It's not there anymore, but you want it back so deeply that it aches inside you.

I looked out the window. The sun was rising and for once it was going to be a beautiful sunny day. I was stuck in here, in my crappy little hotel room. If I didn't do something I was going to go insane or do something really stupid, like trying to go home in the daylight.

I grabbed the scribbled number in my pocket and reached for the phone. As I dialed I wondered belatedly if it was too early to call Jacob. Shrugging the worry aside, I reasoned that if he wanted to hear from me again, he'd forgive the rudeness.

"Hello?" a soft, feminine voice answered. It must be Renesme. My courage waivered. What was I doing, calling a married man's house at the crack of dawn? Nevertheless, my desperation carried me on.

"Hi there, this is Bella O'Shannon. Is Jacob there?" I unconsciously licked my lips in nervousness.

"Oh Bella, hi! Jake's told me so much about you! This is Jake's wife, Renesme." Her voice was warm and relaxed, showing no hint of animosity. Either she the best morning person in the world, or she and Jake had a rock solid relationship. I betted on the latter. I felt myself relax.

"Hi Renesme. I've heard a lot of good things about you too. Hopefully I get to meet you at some point. But listen, I have a bit of a situation here. Is Jake there? I really need to talk to him."

"Oh? Yes, he's right here. Bye Bella." I heard her muffle the phone and try to wake Jacob up. I winced. I hadn't meant to keep him from sleeping.

"…'lo?" Jake answered, voice still heavy with sleep.

"Hey Jake, it's Bells. Sorry to wake you."

"Jeez Bells, don't you ever sleep?" I paused, letting his mind wake up enough to answer the question for himself. Eventually he huffed.

"Forget I asked that. Is something wrong?"

I hesitated, twisting the phone cord around my finger. Was I being stupid for calling him? It was just one little incident. I could hang out here, watch TV for the day, and then go home tonight. At least no one else would be drawn into my mess of a life.

"Bells?"

"I'm sorry Jacob," I said in a rush. "But something happened and I need to go home as soon as possible. Can you come visit? I want to at least say goodbye."

"Can't we meet somewhere? Seattle isn't exactly on the way to work."

"I know, but….have you checked the weather?"

There was another pause as his sleepy mind digested this. And then he answered. "Aw hell, you don't make it easy on a guy, do you?"

I sighed sadly. "I seem to have a knack for making it hard to be around," I said softly.

"Nah don't take it that way. It's ok I guess. Just give me a few hours. I need to get ready and call in sick and stuff. I'll leave in an hour or so."

I grinned in relief. " Thanks Jacob. I really appreciate it." I gave him the address of the hotel and my room number. Then I hung up.

I lay back onto the bed and turned the TV on, trying not to watch the clock as I waited.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

EPOV

It took everything I had not to run off after Bella. I finally had her back in my life, had held her in my arms, had actually tasted her again. Watching her turn away from me was like having a limb torn off.

But a part of me sensed that to follow her would only drive her away even more. If I ever wanted a future with Bella, I had to leave her alone. To win the war, I had to lose this battle.

I was still in the meadow, looking out at the direction Bella had run when my phone vibrated.

I answered with a curt "yeah?"

"Well, so far I would say that was the one smart thing you've done," Alice's voice sang through the phone.

I scowled. "Don't you have anything better than to bother me?"

"My, my, brother dear. Is that any way to speak to your family?"

I bit back a growl. "Alice, this really isn't the time."

I heard her sigh. "I know. I'm sorry. But I meant it. It was smart to let her go. If you'd gone after her….none of us would have ever seen her again. Good job Edward. You're learning."

"So tell me what I need to do now. How do I get her back Alice? She hates me."

"She doesn't hate you. She thinks she does, but you and I both know that she wouldn't have kissed you like that if she did." Her voice had a rise in it, a slightly defensive note that said she was completely unapologetic for knowing what had happened between Bella and me.

"I'm not sure you saw the same thing I did. I kissed her and she made it very clear that she didn't appreciate it."

"Yes, but Edward she doesn't –"

I cut her off. "I don't want to talk about it. Just tell me what I need to do."

Alice hesitated. "Edward, right now I think the best thing you can do is just come home. She's planning on leaving soon too. Right after she meets with another friend."

"Friend? What friend?" My mind instantly flashed to Lucian. Was he here now too? I'd kill him if he were.

"Well it's not Lucian, so don't bother going around looking for him. Her friend is a little more hairier than him."

"So she's going to see that mongrel? She can't spend five minutes alone with me but she is willing to see that animal again? Where are they meeting?"

Alice snorted. "Yeah, like I would tell you. Listen, brother. Come home. We just talked about this. You were doing so well about keeping your distance."

I sighed. "If I do, will it help me get her back?"

"Sweetie, I don't know. But if you go after her now, we all lose her. And if your stupidity costs me my best friend a second time, I will never forgive you."

I winced at that. There was no one better than Alice to play the guilt card. I couldn't hurt my family again. I'd already destroyed them enough.

"Alright Alice, you win. When's the next flight?"

"You can catch the redeye if you leave now. I'll take care of your hotel."

"OK." I was about to hang up before a thought struck me. "One last thing. When is she coming home?"

"Right now it looks like tomorrow night. Tomorrow is gonna be a sunny one, so she's staying until she can make a discrete getaway."

"Alright, then I'll see you in a bit. Thanks, Alice." I hung up and began to make my way out of the meadow.

I reached the edge and turned around. I took in the clearing, and every single memory of the times I had spent with Bella here flashed though my mind.

"We'll be back," I whispered. It was a promise to the meadow, to myself, and to Bella.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

BPOV

I settled myself into the plane seat and closed my eyes. I had given in and booked myself a first class seat, hoping that the extra luxury would comfort me. I should have known better.

Seeing Jake had been the one nice thing that had happened to me in the last few days. It was the only time that I hadn't felt bewildered and distraught. I would come back here, not to relive my past this time, but to see my friend.

We had spent hours talking, sitting on opposite sides of the cheap queen sized bed. He told me all about his life and Renesme, and showed me pictures. The woman was spectacularly beautiful, and even with the brief phone conversation I had had with her, I knew that she was a sweet and loving woman. Jake was lucky to have her, and I wished them both the best.

I told him about my life in Westbrook, and about my family. I had no pictures with me, but I described them to such an extent that I made him see them. He laughed at Macy's sweet natured bossiness, grimaced at Aston's territorial snide comments, and nodded in understanding at Micah's remoteness. But for some reason, I didn't mention Lucian. I didn't know why, but I couldn't bring him up. I tried several times, but the words always seemed to clog in my throat.

And the one conversation we were both careful not to bring up was Edward. Jake knew that something had happened, but I think he sensed my reluctance to bring it up. So instead we kept it light. Except for one, exceptionally disturbing and depressing tangent.

_I don't know Jake. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying too hard. Like I want to be happy but I don't know how so I do everything wrong."_

_Bella, its not rocket science. You don't need to try. You're just looking in the wrong places. You put yourself in positions that will make you unhappy. Find something, someone, that will just make you smile. _

_He looked at me and I felt uncomfortable. He didn't have to say it, but I knew what he wass referring to. Edward. Edward was what had been making me so unhappy. _

_I slowly nodded. "You're probably right. I'm going to try, Jake."_

Jake had left with a promise from me to come back, a promise that I fully intended to keep. In fact, I was already looking forward to it. I would meet Renesme and Jake and I would rebuild our friendship to where it was before.

But for now, I was going home. And I was going to try to do what Jake suggested. I was going to put myself in situations that would make me happy. I was turning to this solution as the answer to my prayers. If I was clutching a little desperately, so what? As long as it worked, that was all that mattered.

That meant no more Edward. No more thinking of him, no more talking to him, and definitely no more kissing him. I was going to put myself in positive situations.

It was with this frame of mind that I finally arrived home. I felt better. It didn't matter that I had betrayed myself with Edward. It didn't matter that I had nearly given in and let him seduce me. None of that mattered. All that mattered was that I had a new resolution to be happy and wouldn't put myself into situations that would hurt me.

I opened the door to my home and stepped in with a sigh of relief. Truth be told, I was exhausted. All I wanted was to go upstairs and lay down.

"Bella!" A tiny red-haired whirlwind hurled itself at me.

Macy grabbed me into a tight hug. "Bella I missed you so much! Don't ever leave me like that again!" Suddenly she punched me in the arm, an angry expression on her face. "I mean it. We're supposed to be friends! Friends don't just leave without notice or explanation."

I nodded with complete understanding. I felt horrible. Macy was right. I shouldn't have left like that, with no word or promise of when I'd be back. "I'm sorry, Macy. You're right. I don't know what happened. I guess I just sort of panicked."

Her angry expression instantly softened. "Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry too. I should have been more understanding." She hugged me again and then pulled away. "Look, everyone else is out hunting right now. I stayed behind in the hopes you'd come home. I wanted to be the first to see you. We have a lot to talk about."

She looked at me critically. "But right now you seem tired. Why don't you go upstairs and lay down."

I nodded and headed towards the stairs without responding. I felt Macy watching me but I didn't turn around. All I wanted was to lie down and rest my mind.

Finally I reached my room, opened the door, and collapsed on the bed. It had been a hard couple of days. I had relived my past and forcibly shoved into several epiphanies. But hopefully I would use it to my advantage. I would try to find someone to make me happy if it killed me. And Edward would never again factor into my life. I wouldn't let him.

I stayed on the bed for several hours, enjoying the sensation of not having to think of anything in particular. After a while, I heard the family return. I was toying with the idea of going downstairs to say hello when I heard someone rushing up the stairs. Without bothering to knock, Lucian burst into the room, startling me into a standing position.

"You're back!" Lucian's eyes shone with happiness. "God Bells, I missed you! Why did you leave like that?"

I tried a nonchalant shrug, but it came off more as a twitch. "I just had some things I needed to do. It wasn't something I could really talk about."

Lucian's brow furrowed in concern but he nodded in false understanding. I looked at him. His hair was blond and shining, hanging around his shoulders like some 15th century prince. His eyes were clear and intense, and focused intently on me. His body was lean and hard and tall. He was, I realized, absolutely beautiful.

Jacob's advice rang in my mind. _Find something, someone, that will just make you smile. _

Could Lucian be the one to make me smile?

I stared into his eyes. _If I told you everything, would you protect me? Would you make me forget?_

Lucian was still staring at me. He remained utterly still, as if he knew what I was thinking and didn't dare move for fear of breaking the connection. Mentally I took a deep breath. _Bella you have to try._

I walked slowly towards him until I was a hairsbreadth away. I looked up into his eyes, his beautiful, honest, loving eyes.

"I'm sorry I left," I whispered softly. "But I'm here now."

And with that, I grabbed him by the neck and brought his lips to mine.

**A/N: *****peaks out from behind the couch***** please don't hate me. Especially all you E/B lovers. The story isn't over. You have to understand. With everything Bella has gone through, she's really messed up and looking for something safe. I promise this isn't the end.**

**So I'm sorry if the chapter wasn't very good. I kind of winged it. **

**I promise I'll try to post soon, but with finals coming up, there's no guarantee until December. But I will try to update more frequently.**

**And please guys, no flames.**


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